


Give Me Love

by forbiddenquill



Category: Faking It (TV 2014)
Genre: Amy is one, Based on the movie Yes Or No, F/F, Karma and Amy as college roommates, Karma is not fond of lesbians or tomboys, Starts with mutual dislike but eventually feelings develop, You should watch it, unfortunately
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-29
Updated: 2014-09-21
Packaged: 2018-02-06 17:04:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 64,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1865631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forbiddenquill/pseuds/forbiddenquill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>College roommates AU where Karma is not entirely fond of lesbians and Amy is unfortunately her roommate. </p><p>“Oh, God,” she says, pressing her palms against her eyes. “This can’t be happening.”<br/>“What’s up?” the girl—or Blondie, as Karma is calling her in her head—asks, looking genuinely concerned.<br/>“You’re a butch,” Karma says, not daring to look her in the eye. “Fucking brilliant. I moved to get away from a lesbian only to meet a tomboy!”<br/>“I’m not a tomboy,” Blondie mumbles, sounding hurt.<br/>“Yeah, and I’m the president of the United States,” Karma snaps.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Can't Handle It

**Author's Note:**

> I got the idea from the movie Yes Or No. It's definitely worth watching! And while I was watching it for the possibly the third time, I was suddenly hit with the urge to write a Karmy AU about it. I hope that it's not too cliche or anything and I hope that you enjoy it. And for once, I'm planning on making this multi-chaptered instead of just a one shot.

“I moved out of the old room already, Mom,” Karma says, “There’s nothing to worry about.”

“Thank God,” her mother replies, “I can’t bear to think of you living with a dyke. It’s unforgivable.”

Rolling her eyes, Karma twists the doorknob to her new dorm room and heads inside. The sunlight is streaming through the glass windows, shining its rays on the suitcases Karma has moved. She sees that her new roommate still hasn’t arrived and that both beds are neatly and carefully arranged. She shuts the door behind her, listening as her mother rants about the disgusting concept of homosexuality and how society has seemed to accept it. She doesn’t mind but it can get a bit irritating when it’s all that she can talk about these days.

“And when girls pretend to be boys! It’s not natural, Karma, it’s an abomination and—”

“Oh, look at the time!” Karma exclaimed, feigning surprise, “I should take a bath first. I wouldn’t want my new roommate to walk in while I’m all stinky.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, dear,” her mother says, sounding concerned, “You should go now. I still have work to do.”

“Love ya,” Karma says, smiling.

“Love you more.”

She hangs up, places her phone on the nearest desk and proceeds to head to the bathroom to strip down. She likes the ceramic tiles and the large mirror and the even larger shower. Hmm. She looks at her reflection, frowning at her messy auburn curls. She needs to fix it fast. She wants to have a good impression on her roommate since she’s going to be living with her for the rest of the school year. An idea pops into her head and she pulls out her lipstick, grinning as she writes on the surface of the mirror:

NICE TO MEET YOU ROOMMATE.

“Genius, Karma,” she praises herself, giggling.

She strips off her clothes, leaving them on the floor and enters the shower, pulling the curtains in. She feels so exhausted but there’s still so much work to do, getting to know her roommate and arranging her stuff. She turns on the shower, letting the warm water run over her body. The tense muscles in her shoulders immediately relax and she’s running her fingers through her hair, sighing. She reaches out for the bar soap and thinks of her old roommate who was a lesbian and had too many girls snuggling in her bed all the time. It always disgusted Karma so she requested a room exchange. Her mother doesn’t like those type of things and she makes sure to drill it into Karma’s head.

She hears a door opening and shuffling footsteps. A smile grows against her lips. It’s her roommate. She quickly adds shampoo to her hair and lets the water rinse it all off. Her heart is pounding with excitement. She hopes that this girl will be different and will be nicer. Maybe they can watch movies together or sing songs. Karma loves watching movies and singing. They’re like her two most favorite things to do in her free time. She wraps a towel around her body, picks up her clothes from the floor and steps out of the bathroom.

“You must be my new—”

She stops short, her jaw dropping. She suddenly feels naked, exposed even and there’s this uncomfortable feeling in her stomach that freezes all her limbs together. She clutches at her towel, begging the universe that it won’t suddenly fall or something. Water drips from her still wet hair and creates a small pool on the floor.

 _My mother’s going to have a heart attack,_ she thinks blandly, her mouth suddenly dry.

“You must be Karma,” her roommate says.

 _She’s cute_ , Karma grudgingly thinks but it’s not her looks that puts Karma on the edge. Yeah, she’s pretty with her blonde curls tied in a ponytail, showing off the paleness of her neck. Her eyes are also green, just like hers, but brighter and more vibrant. But Karma is not looking at all of these things, no, she’s looking at what the other girl is wearing. A blue shirt that says MISFITS, a pair of dark torn jeans, showing off her knees and black converse shoes. Also, there’s a big black watch on her right wrist and a simple necklace around her neck. There’s something about her that makes Karma shudder. It’s the way she stands or slouches, to be more specific and the way she leans against the desk behind her. It’s the way she cocks her head to the side and shoves her hands to the back pockets of her pants. It’s the way she smiles, all sideways and cocky but still touched with a hint of sincerity.

It’s the way she acts like a boy.

“Oh, God,” she says, pressing her palms against her eyes. “This can’t be happening.”

“What’s up?” the girl—or Blondie, as Karma is calling her in her head—asks, looking genuinely concerned.

“You’re a butch,” Karma says, not daring to look her in the eye. “Fucking brilliant. I moved to get away from a lesbian only to meet a tomboy!”

“I’m not a tomboy,” the Blondie mumbles, sounding hurt.

“Yeah, and I’m president of the United States,” Karma snaps. She hurriedly grabs some clothes from her suitcase, shoots one last glare at her roommate and slams the door to the bathroom. Once the silence envelops her, she realizes that her heart is pounding, like an angry drum set and that she’s breathing hard, as if she’s been running fast. She runs her hands through her hair, sighing and when she looks up, she sees the message she’s scrawled on the mirror.

“Shit,” she whispers.

When she changes and leaves the dorm room without glancing at her roommate, the message is still there.

.

“I want to switch rooms again,” Karma says.

Principal Penelope sighs, sounding exasperated when she says, “I’m sorry, Ms. Ashcroft but we’ve already given you that privilege.”

“But I can’t handle it!” Karma nearly shouts. She doesn’t care that Principal Penelope flinches or that her voice is way too loud but she knows that if she can’t voice out her problem then it will be an ugly emotion inside her chest and it will burst and explode and leave too many casualties. “I moved so that I could be away from all those _things_ and I expected a girly roommate who doesn’t look like a boy or talk like one so I’m sorry if this hinders you of any patience but I expect that my complaints can actually be taken care of.”

Principal Penelope looks taken aback. Karma allows herself a small moment of pride but the feeling quickly dissipates when the principal leans back and shakes her head.

“I’m sorry but we can’t do that,” she says, “and frankly, Ms. Ashcroft, I’m disappointed. Your roommate may not meet your standards but let’s not be prejudiced to others because of the way they dress. It may take a while but you’re going to get used to her eventually.”

Karma’s shoulders drop and she wants to cry. It’s not fair. She didn’t ask to be roommates with somebody she likes. The anger turns to despair and misery and there’s a lump in her throat, an angry lump that makes it hard to breathe. She grabs her bag, stands up and walks away without saying another word.

.

“Never ever step off the red line or else I’ll punch you in your imaginary balls.”

Blondie snorts. Karma has taped a long red line, dividing the room in half and she’s currently in the process of making sure that the line gives her access to the bathroom. She has that itchy feeling of being stared at and it’s a good thing that she’s wearing sweatpants because there is no way she’d give that tomboy the satisfaction of a free view. She presses her hands against the tape and leans back on her arms, blowing out a strand of hair from her eyes.

“What if I want to go to the bathroom?” Blondie asks.

Karma thinks for a moment, staring hard at the ground.

“Then climb on it,” she answers, standing up and heading to her side of the room. She grabs her suitcase, which she has left on Blondie’s bed and moves it to her own. She can sense the other girl staring at her with those bright green eyes. When she turns around, Blondie hasn’t moved her gaze.

“What?” she asks irritably.

“Nothing,” Blondie says, shrugging. She flops down on her bed, reaching out to take her shoes off. “I just think you’re a dictator or something.”

“And I think you’re a homosexual.”

Blondie looks up at her, narrowing her eyes. “That was totally unnecessary.”

“It was _completely_ necessary,” Karma tells her, falling on her bed and looking around the room. She’s glad of the outcome. Her books are in neat order on the bookshelves and her clothes are all carefully arranged in the closet. Her favorite teddy bear—named Teddy, which is _so_ original—sits on the middle of the bed and Karma wants nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep the entire day off. So much for being excited for her new roommate. She feels nothing but disdain and anger for Blondie.

The other girl is quiet. She reaches into her suitcase and pulls out a mini guitar. Immediately, Karma’s head snaps up as Blondie plucks a few strings, creating an awry tune.

“You can play?” Karma asks, forgetting about the hostility of the situation.

Blondie smiles. “Nope but I want to. This was a birthday gift from my totally absent father. I didn’t have the guts to tell him that I actually don’t play but it was the first time he showed up in six years. We can’t always have what we want, right?”

There’s something heartbreaking about the way she smiles, that it even makes Karma forget about the roommate thing but before she can open her mouth and say something she'll surely regret later on, there's a knock on the door and the moment disappears. Blondie puts down her guitar, looking confused. She stands up, mumbles a "I'll get it" before walking softly on the carpet, heading towards the door. Karma frowns, wondering who it is when a familiar voice pierces the air and she groans, dropping her face into her hands. 

"Why, hello there, sexy lady!"

"Shane," she mumbles, swinging her legs from the bed and treading across the room towards him. Her fabulously gay best friend is standing before Blondie with the most wicked grin on his handsome face. He has dark hair with even dark eyes and a great complexion. His fashion is spot on, as well. 

"Hello, Karma," he says when he sees her.

"What are you doing here?" she asks.

"I was just coming by to check on you and apparently, you're doing great." Shane gives Blondie a wink. Karma rolls her eyes and tells Blondie to step back. The other girl does so begrudgingly but it's obvious that she's hiding back a smile. Karma steps outside, grabbing onto Shane's arm and pulling him with her. The door shuts behind them and there's a hushed silence. Karma doesn't realize she's waiting for something to happen until she hears Blondie plucking the strings of the guitar, feeling the air with a soft tune. 

"She's  _cute_ ," Shane acknowledges. 

Karma forces a laugh. "And I'm not interested." 

Shane gives her an exasperated look. Shane Harvey is the only gay friend she has. Her mother doesn't know that they're friends and she intends to keep it that way. He's the only one who can make her laugh until her stomach hurts and the only one who can say the right thing. She's not going to let that kind of friendship pass so that's why they're here, glaring at each other as if they've known the other for way too long. 

"You're so pretentious," Shane finally says, rubbing the back of his neck. "Besides, I think she seems pretty cool."

"Shane, you're talking to a homophobic person," Karma reminds him. 

"Karma, you're talking to a homosexual." He sounds mildly disgusted. He hasn't gotten over the fact that her mother has one of those _elder_ thoughts that make teenagers cringe. 

"Whatever." 

Shane purses his lips and places his hands on his hips. "I think this whole being roommates with a lesbian--"

"She's not a lesbian," Karma blurts out, surprised at her own words. Why does she have the need to clear things? She doesn't know Blondie. Hell, she doesn't even know her name. Maybe it's the sad sob story that makes Karma soft. "Well, she told me that she's not a tomboy but I don't know about the lesbian thing--"

"Who is she fooling?" Shane says, narrowing his eyes as he looks around. The tune from the guitar is still going on, still soft and sad. Karma wants to go back and teach Blondie how to _actually_ play but she's not going to push her luck. "I mean, from the way she dresses, you can assume that much already. She should've cut her hair though, that'd be amazing."  

Karma crosses her arms and leans against the wall, sighing. "Yeah, well I'm going to be stuck with her for the rest of the year." 

"Until you'll find someone who's willing to switch with you," Shane tells her, grinning. It lights up his dark eyes. 

Karma snaps her fingers, feeling as if a light bulb has switched on in her brain. She returns the grin Shane gives her and says, 

"Well then, I'm just going to have to find a lesbian."

 

 

 


	2. In A Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Those were some fine words,” she says, looking at Karma all smug like. “Makes me wonder why you’re such a bitch all the time.”
> 
> “Karma!” Shane says, slapping her arm not too lightly. Karma winces and then shoots Blondie another glare. “Are you bullying the gays again? Is this the 19th century or something?”
> 
> Karma says, “Tell that to my mother” the same time Blondie says; “I’m not gay.”
> 
> “You’re both idiots,” Shane says, rolling his eyes and leaning back.

Karma rolls over, waking up to the smell of something good cooking. She stirs, already opening her eyes and sniffing. It’s strange. A sleepy voice tells her that there are no cooking allowed inside the dorms and somebody could get in trouble but the smell is so good that her mouth starts to water. She raises her head, pushes the blanket off her and squints when she realizes that it’s Blondie who has woken up and is making breakfast in a rice cooker. She’s wearing a simple white shirt with a polo jacket wrapped around her shoulders and dark jeans. Her hair is down, framing her face with her blonde curls.

“Morning, roomie,” Blondie says, not looking up.

“You could get in trouble for that,” Karma mumbles, rubbing her eyes.

“So?”

“Then _I_ could get in trouble.”

Blondie snorts. Karma finds herself staring at her. She thinks that if the other girl dresses better then she’ll look really look attractive. Maybe Karma should lend her some clothes but the thought leaves a dry taste in her mouth. Her eyes trace the sharp angle of Blondie’s nose and the curve of her lips and the softness of the smile that comes when Blondie realizes what Karma is doing.

“You’re staring,” she says, as if it’s not obvious enough.

“No, I’m not,” Karma says quickly, “I was just zoning off.”

“Right and I’m the president of the United States,” Blondie murmurs.

Karma resists the urge to throw a pillow at her. She sits up, brushing the curls off her face and sliding off the bed. Blondie has returned to stirring her breakfast and to Karma’s dismay, is already tasting her food. She’s sipping the soup and Karma sees that it has bits and pieces of chicken in it. The smell is overwhelming and she’s suddenly worried that someone might walk in and see what Blondie has cooked up.

Before she succumbs to the emptiness of her stomach, Karma sees that the red line is still separating them and there is no way in hell she’s going to break her own rules. Blondie smirks at her, still tasting the masterpiece she’s created. Clenching her fist tight and willing herself not to give in, Karma storms into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

“The nerve of that girl,” she grumbles under her breath, looking up and freezing.

The message on the mirror hasn’t been erased. In fact, Blondie has somehow written a new one in:

NICE MEETING YOU TOO.

.

“I can’t believe he just dumped me like that!”

Karma frowns, running her hand against Naomi’s back in soothing circles. They’re sitting in the library and Naomi is painfully and unfortunately, failing at being discreet in her sobs. Shane looks pained, as if somebody’s just punched him in the parts that he doesn’t even want and Karma is desperately trying to understand Naomi’s words but it’s just a blubber of tears and crying that she gives up within a few minutes.

“We’ll get you a rebound,” Shane says, as if it’s going to help.

Naomi sobs harder. “I don’t want a rebound,” she chokes out, “I just want him.”

Karma meets Shane’s eyes and they both shrug. Naomi’s boyfriend cheated on her for quite a while and when she found out, she was a sobbing mess. It took a week for her to actually stop throwing things around and it only takes a name for the pain to be triggered again. So Karma has to be careful, knowing how much it just takes a little nudge for Naomi to fall off the edge.

Naomi has been Karma’s friend ever since they started college here and Naomi’s the type of roommate Karma wants, not Blondie who always gets on her nerve with her boyish clothes and her delicious cooking style. Blondie and Naomi are worlds apart. While Blondie is all golden hair and dark clothes, Naomi is dark haired, blue eyed and wears clothes modestly. She’s all girly and cute and sweet, so unlike Blondie who smirks and taunts and acts like a boy. Hmm. Karma frowns, her eyebrows drawing a thin line. It’s a bit strange that Blondie knows Karma’s name but Karma doesn’t know hers. To be honest, Karma feels as if she’s being a bit too hard on the other girl.

_It’s hard to shake off beliefs_ , she thinks. After all, her mother has been hard on her too when it comes to the subject of lesbians and dykes.

“You’ll meet someone new,” she hears Shane tell Naomi.

“But what if I just want him?” Naomi says, her tear soaked tone piercing an arrow through her heart.

“No, you won’t,” Karma says, squeezing her hand. “‘One day, you’ll meet somebody and you’ll fall madly in love.’ I read that once and even though it’s simple and short, I think it’s true.” She forces a smile at Naomi who is looking at her, drinking every word. “Don’t worry.”

Shane gives her a nod of approval as Naomi embraces her in a flash. Karma lets out a surprised laugh but stops sharply when she hears a snort from around the corner. _Fuck_ , she thinks. She knows that snort anywhere; she’s spent two days listening to it. She lets go of Naomi and twists around, glaring through bookshelves because her dyke radar is tingling.

“Blondie, you can come out now,” she says out loud.

She senses both Shane and Naomi glance at each other but she stubbornly sets her jaw and waits.

Finally, after what feels like an eternity, Blondie casually and lazily steps out from behind a bookshelf. She’s smirking, her green eyes alight with mischief that makes Karma want to backhand her. To her dismay, Blondie is wearing a light blue denim jacket with a white shirt underneath. Her slacks are dark black and her shoes are the same battered converse that Karma saw two days ago. She’s holding her bag the way a guy does, with the sling hanging from one shoulder and her other hand is shoved into her back pocket.

“Those were some fine words,” she says, looking at Karma all smug like. “Makes me wonder why you’re such a bitch all the time.”

“Karma!” Shane says, slapping her arm not too lightly. Karma winces and then shoots Blondie another glare. “Are you bullying the gays again? Is this the 19th century or something?”

Karma says, “Tell that to my mother” the same time Blondie says; “I’m not gay.”

“You’re both idiots,” Shane says, rolling his eyes and leaning back.

Karma turns away from Blondie, a scowl permanently etched on her face. She looks over at Naomi who to her surprise, is gazing at the newcomer fervently, as if she’s something her eyes can’t believe. Maybe she’s wondering why Blondie looks so boyish, with the way she stands and drawls and smirks. That’s the type of theory Karma wants to stick with.

Apparently, Blondie notices her as well because she gives her a friendly look.

“You look like you’re about to cry,” she says, fishing something out of her bag. Karma glances over at Shane who wriggles his eyebrows. “Here.”

Blondie gives her a handkerchief, one that Naomi graciously accepts.

“Thanks you,” Naomi stutters, looking overwhelmed.

“You can blow your nose on it, if you want,” Blondie says, sounding charming and gentle. Karma rolls her eyes at the table, wondering if she should leave so that the two can have a proper flirting session. It’s not that she doesn’t want Naomi to find someone else, she just wants her to find someone _better_. Not a tomboy who seriously needs tips on how to dress properly. She bites back these thoughts, however, knowing that if she says them out loud, Shane will never forgive her.

Naomi doesn’t say anything; just nods while looking at Blondie shyly. There’s something about her stare that makes Karma shudder. Blondie waves at her and then Shane, completely ignoring Karma but when she walks off with her head held high, she looks over her shoulder and throws Karma a grin that completely throws her off.

When she’s gone, Naomi immediately turns to Karma, her eyes wide.

“Who was _that_?” she says in a not so discreet whisper.

“ _That_ ,” Shane starts to say, smirking at Naomi, “is Karma’s incredibly sexy and charming roommate.”

“She’s not sexy,” Karma mumbles, throwing her best friend a dirty look. “Besides, she specifically told us that she wasn’t gay.”

“Well, she can turn me straight, if she wants to.”

Karma and Naomi roll their eyes at that witty comment. Shane stifles back a laugh and then they’re back to discussing Naomi’s asshole of an ex but there’s something different. Even though Shane is oblivious enough not to see it, Karma can. She can see the way Naomi’s smile is brighter than before and the way she holds onto the handkerchief as if it’s her lifeline.

Whatever’s going on, Karma is sure she doesn’t like it.

.

“Can you keep it down?” Karma asks, putting her pen down and angrily glaring at Blondie.

Blondie is currently in the process of playing Flappy Bird. The only problem is, she prefers to play with the sounds on so those annoying noises of that bird flapping its wings is getting on Karma’s nerves. And whenever she loses, Blondie always makes this moan that claws at Karma’s ears.

“Really?” Blondie says, sounding exasperated. “I can’t even play?”

“Use goddamn earphones,” Karma snaps.

“I don’t have one.”

Karma impatiently reaches into her bag and throws Blondie a pair. She then drags her gaze back to her homework, the words dancing in front of her eyes but she wills herself to understand. She taps her pen against the surface of the table, humming a song under her breath but her concentration suddenly snaps when there’s a knock on the door.

“Damn it,” she mutters darkly, standing up since she knows Blondie won’t.

Naomi is standing on the other side, smiling shyly. Karma is surprised to see her and then she remembers Blondie playing in the background and understands.

“Are you becoming a stalker?” Karma asks, narrowing her eyes.

“No,” Naomi says, laughing slightly but she holds out the handkerchief Blondie gave her the other day, “I was wondering if—”

“Oh, it’s you again!”

Suddenly, Blondie is right behind her shoulder, smelling of a strangely sweet perfume that makes Karma’s head swim. Naomi goes slightly pink and Karma has to sidestep so that she and Blondie aren’t touching.

“Did you blow your nose?” Blondie asks, grinning.

Naomi looks as if she can’t breathe. She’s so short that she has to look up at Blondie, her blue eyes wide.

“No, of course not,” she stutters.

“Well, thanks for bringing it in,” Blondie says, reaching out and taking the handkerchief. Naomi’s blush deepens when their fingers brush. Karma feels something in her gut twist.

Naomi looks at Karma and then back at Blondie. “Do you mind if I borrow Karma for a while?”

“No problem,” Blondie says, giving Karma a smug look, “Take her, if you want. Make sure she never comes back.”

Karma sticks her tongue out at her.

When they’re outside in the hallway, Naomi is a stammering mess. She’s clutching Karma’s arms tightly and a smile keeps breaking out every now and then, lighting up her face in such a way that Karma can’t even look at her properly.

“What’s her name?” she demands.

“I—” Karma draws a blank. How the hell can she not know her own roommate’s name? “I don’t know.”

Naomi’s face fall. “Are you serious? Come on, let’s go ask her then.”

Karma doesn’t want to. Hell, she doesn’t want to go back there. She’s afraid that her head will explode because of all the fucking noise Blondie makes but Naomi is tugging on her arm and she doesn’t have a choice. They walk back to the room to find that Blondie is lying on her bed and playing with her phone. It doesn’t help with the fact that her shirt is slightly pulled up, showing a bit of skin. Naomi swallows nervously and Karma has to look away.

“Hey, Blondie,” she says.

Blondie sits up, running her fingers through her hair. “Yes, Ashcroft?”

Karma pulls a face. “Naomi here was wondering what your name is,” she says.

But Blondie doesn’t look at Naomi. To Karma’s surprise, she looks directly at her, green eyes unreadable. It does something to Karma’s head, makes her feel as if her lungs are going to explode and she’s pretty sure that they’re staring at each other, waiting for something, _anything_ to happen but the moment passes and Blondie’s gaze flickers.

She clears her throat. “Well, at least _somebody_ had the grace to ask.” She stands up and stretches her hand towards Naomi, because it was her who asked in the first place. Karma feels something building up in her stomach, an emotion she can’t identify.

“I’m Amy Raudenfeld,” Blondie says, finally revealing a name that Karma has been wondering about, even if she won’t admit it. “It’s nice to meet you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was incredibly fun to write! Hope you enjoy!


	3. Only Fractionally Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karma puts down her pen and leans back on her arms, glaring at Amy. It’s such a relief to stop calling her ‘Blondie’ in her head.   
> “No,” she says.   
> “You’re as stubborn as an ox,” Amy remarks.   
> “An ox is better than you.”  
> “Oh, that’s witty. Let me laugh first.” She lets out a sarcastic laugh that makes Karma’s blood boil. “Come on, smartass, let’s see if you can really play. Maybe you’re just lying to make yourself feel better.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so freaking excited to write all the other scenes. Hope the rest of you will enjoy them!

“Have you actually taken guitar classes?” Karma asks, raising her head.

Amy shrugs. She’s squatting on her side of the room, her mini guitar lying across her lap. Her blonde hair is tied in a ponytail, showing off the paleness of her neck and the curve of her collarbone. Karma isn’t staring but it’s getting harder to concentrate on her homework when Amy insists on playing that guitar. She doesn’t even know how to do it, doesn’t even know how to pluck the strings right. It irks Karma because she’s trying to work and Amy is trying to distract her.

“I teach myself,” Amy says stubbornly.

“You don’t even know how to do it,” Karma says, scowling.

“Well, then Ashcroft, why don’t you try?” Amy picks up the guitar, stands up and stays on top of the red line, holding out the instrument. Karma doesn’t move and her mouth sets itself in a straight line. There’s no way in hell she’s going to play in front of Amy. She can barely play in front of her parents, much less in front of somebody who’ll surely tease her to the ends of the earth. But Amy is looking at her patiently, still holding out the guitar, her green eyes unreadable yet certain. She’s wearing a plain t-shirt with jersey shorts and yet again, she’s slouching. Sometimes, Karma wants to sticks a broom up her ass so that she can straighten her posture.

Karma puts down her pen and leans back on her arms, glaring at Amy. It’s such a relief to stop calling her ‘Blondie’ in her head.

“No,” she says.

“You’re as stubborn as an ox,” Amy remarks.

“An ox is better than you.”

“Oh, that’s _witty_. Let me laugh first.” She lets out a sarcastic laugh that makes Karma’s blood boil. “Come on, smartass, let’s see if you can really play. Maybe you’re just lying to make yourself feel better.”

The comment angers Karma and suddenly, she’s on her feet, storming towards Amy. The red line separates them both but Karma won’t hesitate to punch her in the face. There is no way a dyke like her is going to insult her on her guitar playing skills. She knows she’s good but what she needs is the self-confidence to actually go up to stage and play. But she’s not going to tell Amy that she’s terrified of what others might think of her, that she’s terrified that something will go wrong and it’ll mark the rest of her life. She’s not going to tell Amy any of the insecurities and fears that keep her up at night. The humiliation will ruin her.

So instead of saying anything, of defending her dignity, she grabs the guitar from Amy’s hands, quickly arranges her posture and fingers before strumming the strings, keeping her eyes on Amy’s face, gouging for her next reaction. The chords come to her quickly and the tune is out, filling the air with a music so sweet and so soft that Karma can’t help but pat herself on the back. She doesn’t have to look down at her hands because she knows what they’re doing. She feels as if she can breathe easier now and the urge to sing her heart out is so overwhelming that she has to physically bite her lower lip to stop.

The look on Amy’s face is priceless. She doesn’t step back so they’re standing pretty close and Karma can smell her perfume, that sweet smelling perfume that makes her head swim. She looks straight into Amy’s green eyes, silently challenging her but Amy doesn’t say anything, just looks at her and listens. Soon enough, a smile eventually breaks out and Karma stills her fingers.

They don’t say anything for a while. The tension is high and makes Karma hold her breath. She feels as if Amy is staring straight into her soul with those bright green eyes of hers and there’s just something about the other girl that makes Karma feel as if she’s stumbling into a dark abyss blindfolded. She just doesn’t know what to expect from her.

Finally, Amy purses her lips and steps back, taking the guitar from Karma’s hands.

“Sorry I underestimated you,” she says lightly.

Karma releases the breath she’s been holding in and realizes that her hands are shaking slightly. She sits back down on her bed, reaching out to grab her notes just as Amy goes back to strumming.

Needless to say, she sounds only fractionally better.

.

“I’m not saying that she’s an insufferable tomboy who just wants to get on my nerves,” Karma is ranting. Shane looks at her with disapproval darkening his features. “I’m just saying that we seem really different from each other. I mean, she knows how to cook and I destroy a kitchen. She doesn’t know how to fucking strum a guitar and I’ve already made up songs in my head. She makes a lot of noise while I prefer the silence. Can you ever picked a worst roommate?”

They’re walking in the grounds, heading towards the back building where Shane’s next class is. Karma doesn’t why the only thing she can talk about these days is Amy Raudenfeld. She’s almost as bad as Naomi who mentions her name every now and then, clearly in love with the idea of being in love with her. Karma tries to hide her disgust but it must be obvious in the way Shane is looking at her right now.

“I don’t understand why you hate—”

“I don’t hate her,” Karma interrupts.

“Fine, I don’t understand why you _dislike_ her so much.”

Karma opens her mouth to retaliate but then Shane steps on her foot hard and she bites her lower lip to stop her from saying anything else. They’ve just passed through the parking lot and Karma understands why Shane suddenly looks nervous. It’s because Amy is standing at a short distance away, talking to an older guy with curly hair and way too big glasses. They appear to be in friendly terms because Amy is laughing while the guy makes some witty comment.

Shane gives Karma a look, which Karma coolly returns.

“Do you want to—?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” They start walking again and Karma forces herself not to glance over at Amy but it’s kind of hard to. Maybe it’s because of the way the light catches the blonde of her hair and the green in her eyes. Maybe it’s because of the way she looks so comfortable and contented while talking to this _guy_ , a guy Karma has never seen before. So when they pass by each other, Karma finds herself glancing over at Amy, the one thing she specifically told herself not to. And apparently, Amy notices because she twists around, a smile playing on her lips.

“Hello,” she says.

The guy with the glasses looks up. He nods at Karma and Shane, offering a friendly smile. Karma squints at Amy, stepping back and crossing her arms.

“Boyfriend?” she asks testily.

“Nope,” Amy answers, with an ease that surprises even the guy with the glasses. He looks tortured, though but tries to hide it with a laugh. Karma can see right through it. _He loves her_ , she realizes, sneaking a glance over at Amy who is grinning and looking at her with a fond expression. _Either she doesn’t return his feelings or she just doesn’t know it_. Somehow the thought of Amy having a boyfriend and being in love with someone else seems like a foreign idea to her.

“Are you friends?” Shane asks, winking at the guy who retreats back with a bashful look.

Amy’s eyes doesn’t leave Karma’s though and Karma graciously avoids her gaze.

“We’re childhood friends,” the guy answers, bumping his shoulder with Amy’s. “I’m Oliver. I was her neighbor and now I work for her dad. Step-dad, I mean.”

“He’s a farmer,” Amy explains. “That’s the reason why I’m so good at cooking. Right, Karma?”

Karma scoffs. Of course she’s tasted Amy’s food. It’s hard not to when the blonde leaves portions of it for her to eat whenever she finishes taking a bath. Karma refused to do taste but one time, when she hadn’t eaten the night before and had woken up with an empty stomach, she succumbed to her hunger. So far, best decision she’s ever made. But she’s not going to admit that. Not now, when Shane is giving her this small smug look and Oliver is patiently waiting for the answer.

“Whatever,” she says, rolling her eyes. She still catches Amy’s smirk though.

“Anyway, are you studying here, Oliver?” Shane asks.

“Nah,” Oliver says, “I prefer to live in the rural part of town. I just came here to drop a package for Amy’s sister.”

“You have a _sister_?” Both Shane and Karma say, giving Amy a flabbergasted look. The blonde shrugs but suddenly looks uncomfortable, all the cockiness and confidence fading. _At last,_ Karma thinks, _the shell has cracked_. The sister is a touchy topic, one that Karma wants to breach into but she’s not _that_ insensitive. She stares at Amy, willing for her to give out the answers already.

“ _Step_ -sister,” Amy corrects and she sounds as if she’s repeated that phrase for a while now.

“Yeah, a step-sister who can be a total bitch at times,” Oliver supplies, reaching out and patting Amy’s blonde curls. The other girl frowns.

Karma nods. Yes. Definitely a no-no topic. Amy looks like the type of person who holds her anger inside and those type of persons are dangerous at times, especially when pushed to the breaking point. She looks over at Shane who seems interested.

“Does she study here?”

“Nah,” Amy says, sounding mildly uncomfortable now, “She works in a café around here somewhere. It’s called _Café Shops_ , I guess.” Karma knows where it is.

“Unoriginal name, if you ask me,” Oliver cuts in, looking at Amy for her reaction but the blonde is looking at Karma, her green eyes bright.

“I was wondering if you could take me there,” she says and her voice is soft, as if she’s afraid to ask.

Karma is reminded of the time Amy told her that she got the mini guitar as a gift from a father who didn’t know her too well. The sadness on the blonde’s face broke her heart and now she’s doing the same thing at this same moment. Karma finds herself staring at the green in Amy’s eyes and the curve of her lips and the hopeful glare in her face but then she remembers that Shane is standing next to her and promptly steps back.

“No thank you,” she says, forcing a smile, “Shane and I still have classes to go to. I’ll give you directions, if you want.”

It’s obviously not the answer Amy wants and it shows on her face. Karma tries to remember what her mother has drilled into her head. She’s not going to go with Amy. She doesn’t want to imagine the look on her mom’s face if she ever finds out she’s living with a dyke.

Shane’s face is a mask of disapproval when Karma points out directions and tells Amy to follow this building and that. It’s a bit complicated, if she has to be honest with herself but she’s in a hurry and she doesn’t want to stay much longer. Besides, Oliver looks as if he wants to say something to Amy and there is no way Karma’s going to stick around for that.

But there’s a nagging agony in her chest when she turns away from Amy. Shane gives her a hard look but Karma doesn’t notice. Whenever she closes her eyes, she winces. The blonde’s disappointed look is seared into the back of her eyelids.

She makes sure to never look back.


	4. Except For Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Come on, we don’t have time for this,” she says, pouting, “I still have homework to do.”
> 
> “Pull me up, then.”
> 
> “Raudenfeld!”
> 
> “Karma.” The smirk on Amy’s face slightly falters. “You should really learn to use my real name. We are, after all, roommates.”
> 
> “Don’t remind me.”
> 
> Karma tugs on her hand again but the blonde still doesn’t move.
> 
> “If you don’t get up on the count of three, I swear I’m going to leave you here. One—” The smirk never leaves Amy’s face—“Two—”Karma tightens her grip—“Three!” Karma pulls her up again and this time, nearly stumbles because Amy immediately gets up on her feet. But before Karma can fall on the ground and surely mess up her outfit, Amy reaches out and grab both of her arms, her grasp surprisingly gentle.

Amy still hasn’t come home yet.

Karma impatiently glances over at the clock. It’s already 9 pm. They met in the parking lot five hours ago and it’s not worry that’s gnawing at Karma in the inside. _It’s just guilt_ , she tells herself. After all, she was the one who gave the way too complicated directions that apparently, Amy couldn’t understand. _Damn it, Raudenfeld!_ She thinks darkly, pacing back and forth on her side of the room. Maybe she should’ve gone with her. All these conflicting emotions are starting to make Karma’s head hurt.

She looks over at Amy’s bed and sees that it’s carefully arranged. She remembers the moment she came home, expecting to see her sleeping place all messy and rumpled, the way she left it before she left for class but instead, she was met with a neatly made bed that made her stop. _Amy_ , she thinks. Apparently, Amy broke the rules. There is no way she fixed that bed without stepping over the red line. Because of this incident, Karma knows that she’s been a bitch.

And now she needs to fix it.

When the clock strikes 9:15 pm, she grabs her bag and hurries out the door, slamming it behind her with a resounding _thud_.

.

She finds Amy sitting on top of a crate near the university fountain. The scene is beautiful with spotlights of different colors directed at the cascading waters, illuminating it with a glow that takes Karma’s breath away. The grass is wet from the slight drizzle that has poured over the place and it crunches under Karma’s feet when she steps forward, heading to where Amy is sitting and admiring the view of the stars. She looks exhausted, her shoulders slumped and it twists Karma’s heart.

She’s spent half an hour walking around the university and asking people if they’ve seen a blonde girl wearing boyish clothes. Most of them said no but another pointed out that she saw Amy heading towards the fountain, holding a crate in her arms. And now Karma is here, suddenly feeling hesitant and scared. What if Amy snaps at her? What if she blames Karma? Karma has never been good with guilt; it always makes her say the wrong things.

But she doesn’t have to worry about that because Amy hears her approaching. She looks up and lock eyes with Karma. Her blonde hair is slightly drenched from the rain and her clothes are dripping wet. And yet, she still manages to crack a smile when she spots Karma.

“I’m lost,” she says, as if it’s not obvious enough.

Karma tries to put on scornful look. “Didn’t you listen to my directions?”

“I did,” Amy says, twisting around so that they’re facing each other, “but I got confused on the way. I guess I followed the red brick building first instead of the Computer Building. It’s my fault, really.”

Karma bites her lower lip. She looks over at the fountain, pondering but eventually makes up her mind. She walks over towards Amy and says,

“Come on then, let’s go find this café.”

Amy gives her a smug look. Karma holds out her hand, impatiently waiting for the blonde to take it which she does in half a second later. The auburn-haired girl tries to ignore the warmth of her fingers, instead focusing on the grass peeking out from beneath her sandals. But when Karma tries to pull Amy up to her feet, she doesn’t budge. She stays on top of her crate, smirking that once again infuriating smirk that makes Karma’s head pound and her blood boil.

“Come on, we don’t have time for this,” she says, pouting, “I still have homework to do.”

“Pull me up, then.”

“Raudenfeld!”

“Karma.” The smirk on Amy’s face slightly falters. “You should really learn to use my real name. We are, after all, roommates.”

“Don’t remind me.”

Karma tugs on her hand again but the blonde still doesn’t move.

“If you don’t get up on the count of three, I swear I’m going to leave you here. One—” The smirk never leaves Amy’s face—“Two—”Karma tightens her grip—“ _Three!”_ Karma pulls her up again and this time, nearly stumbles because Amy immediately gets up on her feet. But before Karma can fall on the ground and surely mess up her outfit, Amy reaches out and grab both of her arms, her grasp surprisingly gentle.

The two of them find themselves in an awkward position. Karma sucks in a gasp when she realizes that Amy’s face is barely inches from her own. Amy looks as shocked as she does but her hands are still firm against her sides as if letting go is not an agenda in her mind. Her green eyes are wide and full of something that Karma can’t even begin to describe and it’s as if her heart is a rapid drumbeat against her ribs and she has to tell herself to breathe. The air between them both is still and tense and finally, Karma says, with a voice that cracks,

“There. You can stand on your own.”

Amy gets the message. She lets go and steps back. Turning her face away, she bends over to grab the crate and nods at Karma. Already, she’s pretending that nothing has happened while Karma is still trying to breathe.

“Come on,” Karma says, swiftly turning around and already walking away, her face burning.

She knows that Amy is following. After all, where has Karma gone that the girl hasn’t followed?

.

They don’t talk on the way to _Café Shops_. Even though the name might seem a bit original, as Oliver stated, it seems to be a popular place. Karma has been here once and it has left a lasting impression on her. It’s beautiful and comfortable and modest. Whoever Amy’s step-sister is, she’s good at handling business. It’s the type of shop where you can hang out with your friends and enjoy the drinks and just be contented. The color is warm to the eyes and relaxes you, makes you feel as if you’ve just come home from a long trip. There’s a patio outside with a stage decked out to anybody who wants to perform. Karma was nearly tempted once, with Shane’s coaxing but she got cold feet and went home early. Maybe that’s the reason why she never got around to coming back.

When she pushes the door open to let Amy in, she breathes in the smell of coffee beans and tea. She glances over at Amy, waiting to see her reaction. Apparently, the blonde did not expect this place to be famous because her face is a look of awe.

“Where’s your sister?” Karma asks, bouncing on the balls of her feet. Her mouth is watery now. God, the food smells great.

Amy looks around, her eyes searching the counter. Karma searches along with her and her gaze drops to a petite young girl with straight blonde hair and blue eyes emerging from the patio outside, wearing an apron around her waist. _She’s pretty_ , Karma thinks to herself, tugging at Amy’s arm and pointing.

“Is that her?’ she asks.

Amy looks and her jaw clenches. There’s a guarded look in her eyes, as if she’s been cornered into an alleyway and apparently, the petite girl notices her as well because there’s the same look on her face when their gazes meet. The tension between them both is so thick that Karma is pretty that a chainsaw can’t cut through it.

The girl approaches warily, her hands clenched at her sides.

“Amy,” she says.

“Lauren,” Amy returns blankly.

Karma winces. Damn. That’s some messed up family business.

“Bruce sent this,” Amy continues, placing the crate on a nearby table. She rubs at her arms, as if they’re sore.

“Took you long enough,” Lauren says, glancing at it, “I’ve needed some fresh exotic coffee beans for a while now.”

“I got lost,” Amy explains and shoots Karma a look. Karma pretends not to notice.

But Lauren notices _her_. Their gazes meet and there’s just something about the other girl’s blue gaze that makes her skin crawl. It’s as if Lauren is scrutinizing her carefully, judging every imperfection and every mark and every little thing that makes Karma who she is. It makes her want to crawl into a corner and stay there, makes her want to hide until the sun burns out but then Lauren looks away, giving Amy a smug look.

“New girlfriend?” she says, her tone full of sarcasm.

“No!” Amy says a bit too defensively. Her cheeks redden and she grits her teeth. “No way. Never.”

Karma rolls her eyes at the ground even though the comment stings her heart a bit.

“Whatever, you can do better than that anyway,” Lauren remarks offhandedly and grabs the crate, as if it’s the easiest thing in the world even though Karma knows that Amy struggled with it for a bit. “You can choose whatever you want to eat. It’s on the house.”

As she walks away, Karma turns to Amy with a baffled look.

“What?” Amy says, shrugging, “Oliver said she was a bitch.”

“Yeah. Bit of an understatement, if you ask me.”

“Well, I’m not asking.” Amy shoves her hands into the pockets of her jeans and walks over to the counter. She looks over at Lauren who whispers something to her co-workers. When they all nod in understanding, Amy begins to pick off items from the menu, looking dubious. Karma realizes that they’re seriously going to have a midnight snack before heading back to the dorm and it’s not something that’s going to help with her eating habits.

Amy looks over at her and points to the patio outside, asking an unspoken question.

Karma shrugs and follows her.

The patio is a beautiful and marvelous thing. There are tables all decked around with simple cutlery placed according to proper arrangement on the surface. When Karma looks around, she sees that there are lights all beautifully decorated around, illuminating the scene with a comfortable and romantic atmosphere that takes her breath away. Amy chooses a table near the stage, pulling out a chair for Karma to sit on.

“Ever the gentleman,” Karma remarks, smirking. She accepts the gesture, though and Amy looks pleased with herself.

They stay there in comfortable silence. Karma is admiring the stage, trying to imagine herself sitting on that stool and playing the guitar, trying to imagine herself singing in front of an empty patio. Well, it’s not really empty. Amy is right there, biting her fingernails and patiently waiting for her order.

When the waiters arrive, Amy sits up straight, her gaze firmly locked on the chocolate cake that’s coming towards her. Karma looks and sees that the blonde has ordered two slices of cake, two glasses of Iced Tea and some cookies to nibble on. She is silently grateful that the other girl made sure that she has something to eat as well.

Amy passes her a slice. “It’s free,” she says, smiling.

“I heard.”

Karma’s gaze drift towards the stage again. She sees that there’s a guitar tucked near the back, reserved for any wannabe singers.

Apparently, Amy notices because she nudges her arm and says,

“You should play.”

“No.” Karma drops her gaze to her food. Cake. Whenever she’s upset, she always eats cake so that’s what she does right now. She digs in and avoids the persistent look that Amy is giving her.

“Karma.”

She doesn’t look up.

“Karma.”

She’s stubborn so she pretends that Amy isn’t there.

Amy sighs and does something that Karma totally doesn’t expect. She reaches out and holds Karma’s hand, squeezing her fingers tight. Something in Karma’s chest ignites and flares up, like fireworks on the fourth of July. And she looks over at Amy, who is smiling at her, all warm and fuzzy-like that makes Karma’s head spin. They don’t say anything but the physical contact between them both seems to be sending thousands and thousands of messages through the still air. Finally, Karma sucks in a deep breath and pulls away.

“I—I don’t know,” she says, “I’ve never played in front of—”

“Karma, I’m not trying to be a kill joy here but there’s _literally_ nobody around except for me and I’ve seen you play and I think you’re good and I want you to pick up that guitar and play again.” Karma knows that she’s staring but the way Amy speaks—she just sounds so honest and sincere that it gives Karma the confident boost she needs. So she stands up, nearly stumbles on the way to the stage and picks up the guitar.

She sits down on the stool and watches Amy lean forward, propping up her chin against her hand. Karma focuses on the strings of the guitar, allowing herself a moment to take a deep breath. _It’s just Amy_ , she tells herself. Besides, when has Karma ever cared about Amy’s opinion of her? She remembers the first time she played in front of Amy and how it left her shaking and breathless. Is this going to be a repeat from then? She inhales sharply, her gaze flickering towards the blonde who is still, marvelously, looking at her.

Then she starts to play. The song that comes to mind is the one she’s been working on for a while now, even though she doesn’t know who or what her muse is. The tune starts filling the empty air and Karma doesn’t look at Amy, for fear of looking into the other girl’s eyes. She opens her mouth and starts singing,

_I felt a spark of desire_

_And now the flames are growing higher_

_I really want this to work_

_I’m so tired of being burned_

She bites her lower lip and sneaks a glance at the blonde whose mouth is slightly open and who is looking at her in awe.

_I’ve got a secret inside_

_It gets so easy to be someone else_

_When I’m with you, I don’t have to hide_

_When I’m with you, I can be myself_

She is faintly aware that there are customers and waiters alike walking in. The urge to freeze intensifies but Amy waves at her, smiling an encouraging smile that makes Karma forget about the situation for a while and relax.

_Something changed the moment we kissed_

_I never knew it could feel like this_

_We’ll keep it hush, hush under cover_

_But it’s a rush, rush being your lover_

Her fingers have a mind of their own and she’s singing—actually _singing_ in front of a group of people who is nodding and smiling and listening intently—but she doesn’t look at them. No, the only person whom she is slightly comfortable and familiar with is Amy whose lips are curled into a smile. She shifts her weight and adjusts the guitar but the song never falters.

_And if it’s not too much_

_Because you have a crush on me_

_We keep it hush, hush and discover_

_Why it’s a rush running with each other_

Even though the song hasn’t ended yet, there are some clapping and some whistling and Karma feels as if she’s bungee jumping even though she’s fucking terrified of heights.

_Yeah I have a crush_

_And I just want you to see_

_That you were never a secret_

_To me_

She stops playing and the applause gets louder. She puts down the guitar and tries to breathe normally. Amy gets out of her seat but Karma waves her down, skipping from the stage and basically buzzing with excitement. Strangers are giving her thumbs-up and nodding at her and even Lauren, who has sneaked in to watch, seems pleased. Karma goes back to her chair and smiles down at her cake.

“See?” Amy says, bumping their shoulders together. Karma is too happy to even think of cringing away.

“Yeah?”

“You were amazing,” Amy tells her, in a tone that doesn’t leave any room for argument.

Karma scoops up her cake and smiles as she bites into it. “I believe you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used the song Hush Hush because I completely suck at trying to make songs.


	5. Keep On Staring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you want to switch?” Amy asks, as if she’s read Karma’s mind. From the hard look on her face, the possibility doesn’t seem far off.
> 
> “No,” Karma tells her quickly, shaking her head, “Not really. Unless—” She swallows—“unless, you want to, which is definitely okay. I’m okay with that. You can just say so, you know.”
> 
> Amy laughs and she, too, shakes her head with the faintest smile on her lips. “No, I don’t want to switch. First week with you was difficult but I’m used to you already. Having somebody else for a roommate—well, I don’t know—I just don’t want it anymore.”
> 
> The comment lightens up Karma in ways that she possibly cannot tell anyone else. She resolves herself to smiling down at her hands instead.

“What are you studying, by the way?” Amy asks, sipping her iced tea and giving Karma a fond look.

Karma toys with her drink, spinning the straw around and occasionally bumping the ice cubes together. It’s already midnight but the café is 24/7 and the stars look really beautiful outside. There is excitement running though Karma’s veins, so it’s kind of hard to stay still. She’s reeling from her performance, high from the emotions that are bubbling inside her stomach.

She has to physically strain herself to focus on Amy’s question.

“Journalism,” she answers, “I’d like to be on TV once.”

“You’d have the face for it,” Amy remarks.

“Thanks.”

A silence falls over them. Karma looks up at the sky, admiring the stars.

“So, you’re not being a bitch anymore,” Amy says blandly. It’s not a question but more of a statement. Karma turns to give Amy an exasperated look.

“Well, I realized that there’s more to you than being a dyke.” She squints.

“I’m not a dyke,” Amy tells her wearily.

“Yeah, whatever.”

Amy leans back on her chair, green eyes studying Karma warily. Karma finds herself fidgeting under her gaze; it’s not as if Amy makes her uncomfortable (which she does) but it’s just the way she talks and stares and smiles. Like she knows a secret that she knows Karma is dying to hear about.

“You’re not half as bad as—” Amy begins to say but Karma cuts off,

“Shit!”

The rain comes unexpectedly, spattering water drops against their clothes. Karma immediately moves to grab her remaining slice of cake but Amy laughs and shakes her head, grabbing her arm and dragging her away. She ignores Karma’s protests about the cake being wasted and pushes her into the café, shaking her blonde hair dry. Lauren frowns when she sees the weather and Karma shoots Amy a glare.

“That was good cake,” she says.

“Let Lauren handle it,” Amy drawls, giving her step-sister a look.

Lauren rolls her eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Anyway, you can borrow an umbrella, if you want. This might suck but I can only lend you one.” The smirks she sends Amy gives Karma the expression that she knows exactly what she has done. “Hope you get home in one piece and make sure to wear a condom.”

Amy stubbornly sets her jaw and glares at Lauren. Karma picks at her fingers, refusing to meet anybody’s eyes. She can relate to the anger Amy is surely feeling right now but she doesn’t understand why she suddenly feels nervous, why the cake she ate an hour ago suddenly wants to regurgitate. She tells herself that it’s probably because sharing an umbrella with Amy means spending more time with her, being forced into conversation that requires arm brushing and soft voices. It also probably means being close with her, getting to feel the warmth radiating from her skin like right now.

Karma shakes her head, pushing all these thoughts away.

Amy takes the umbrella Lauren hands her, her movements jerky and impatient. Karma winces.

“Tell your mom I said hi,” Lauren says sweetly, her blue eyes sparkling.

“Yeah, I’ll tell her that you’re still a bitch,” Amy taunts loudly, grabbing Karma by the arm and dragging her outside. The smell of coffee beans and sweet delicious chocolate cake quickly fades into that earthy smell the rain always seems to bring along. Karma hugs her arms, watching as Amy tries to pry open the umbrella but it’s not going so well. She seems angry and pissed off, which kind of hurts Karma’s feelings. Is she that bad of a company? Has she been acting like such a bitch that even Amy, who’s oh so kind to everybody and charming and sweet, doesn’t want to share an umbrella with her?

The cold stings her eyes and she huffs out a breath, her fingers freezing against the crook of her elbows. She’s slightly drenched from the rain but there’s not a doubt in her mind that by the time they get to their dorm, her clothes will be see-through. Hopefully nobody will be indecent enough to try to catch a glance. She doesn’t think about Amy’s reaction. That’d be too embarrassing.

Amy is still working on the umbrella. Karma frowns when she realizes that the blonde is mumbling under her breath. She catches the words ‘fucking step-sister’ and ‘always fucking shit up.’ Karma knows that Amy swears to an infinite level but she’s seriously furious right now. She can’t even open the goddamn umbrella. “Shit,” the blonde says, “she fucking gave us a broken one.”

Karma shakes her head. She knows it’s not broken. Amy is just too absorbed in her anger to see it.

“Here,” Karma says, putting her hand on Amy’s arm and gently taking the umbrella from her.

 Amy looks up at her, green eyes stone cold. Karma reaches down and opens the umbrella easily but she tries not to gloat all over the other girl’s face. After all, Amy looks shattered. Like she’s suddenly about to collapse on the ground and stay there. Against her own better judgment, Karma laces their fingers together. The surprise on Amy’s face throws her off but she nods anyway, trying to keep her teeth from chattering. Then they start walking, their feet treading softly on the wet pavement.

Amy’s hand is limp in hers but Karma likes it that way. To other people, they look like ordinary friends and Karma doesn’t need her subconscious saying that there’s definitely something else going on.

As they’re walking, Karma’s gaze slides over Amy. She realizes that the other girl might _look_ tall but she’s really not. She’s probably just a few inches taller than the other girl, higher if she learns to stand straight. Karma notices this because she’s surprised that she doesn’t have to stretch her arm up so that they can both share the umbrella properly.

“You’re staring,” Amy suddenly says, raising her eyebrows but not meeting her eyes.

“And you’re not really _that_ tall,” Karma finds herself saying.

Amy looks at her, surprised. The green in her eyes look darker and Karma has to turn away.

“Okay,” Amy exhales the word. They walk across the street and reach the parking lot of the university. Karma puts down the umbrella and shakes it dry. All they have to do is climb the steps leading to the dormitory and Karma might actually get some shut-eye. Her arms and legs are aching and her stomach is full. She just wants to collapse on her bed and stay there until next week.

Amy walks ahead first, her gait slow and lazy. Karma falls into step next to her. They pass by the first floor, the second and the third, finally huffing in exhaustion when they reach the fourth one. The doors are all closed and Karma sneaks a glance at Naomi’s place, which is the first door on the left. She doesn’t realize that she’s still holding Amy’s hand until the other girl tugs at hers, a bit impatiently, if Karma’s being honest. They head over towards the room and it’s Amy who lets go, not Karma. The fact makes Karma feel as if she’s swimming in a pool of lava.

Amy pulls out her dorm key and shoves it into the doorknob. Karma rubs the back of her neck, freezing when a cold draft passes through the hallway.

When Amy swings the door open and says, “Shit” Karma knows something has gone wrong.

She pushes past Amy and steps inside. She doesn’t know what’s wrong at first but then Amy turns the lights on and she finally sees. She drops her bag and the umbrella and starts swearing, loud and obscene words filling the air. She walks over to her bed, feels the surface of it and curses again. _Fuck,_ she thinks darkly, frowning at the leak on the ceiling. There’s a puddle of water under her bed and the mattress is soaked through. She grits her teeth and bites her tongue to stop from screaming.

“I’ll get the mop,” Amy says and Karma hears her walking away.

Karma rips the blanket away and throws the pillow into Amy’s side of the room. She can feel the water seeping through the spaces between her toes as she impatiently grabs the underside of the mattress, even though it’s way too heavy for her to lift. She exhales a deep breath and tries to lift it, ignoring the fact that she knows it’s useless. She’s no Superwoman but she wishes that she is right now. She’s aching to throw her bed out of the window and blow a hole into the sky. Stupid fucking rain.

She tries to lift the bed again, with little progress. She’s about to give up and sleep on the drenched bed when she hears a laugh from behind and footsteps approaching slowly.

“Here,” Amy says, appearing to her left. She’s stepped over the red line but by the look on her face, it’s obvious that she doesn’t care. She grips the underside of the mattress and easily flips it over on its side, with Karma’s help, of course. Karma steps back and assess the damage, frowning disapprovingly. Amy moves to stand next to her, their arms brushing.

“Where am I supposed to sleep now?” Karma mumbles under her breath.

“You can use my bed,” Amy says, offering her a friendly smile, “I can sleep on the floor. It’s totally fine.”

“I’m not going to ask that from you,” Karma tells her, miffed by the suggestion.

Amy rolls her eyes and punches her arm softly. Yep. Totally boyish. Karma twists around and walks over to her closet, ready to pull out some extra pillows and blankets. She’s not going to ask that much from Amy. She’s already gotten a free midnight snack. A free bed is just pushing her luck. But when she grabs a hold of her blue blanket, the lights suddenly go off and Amy immediately shrieks.

Karma jerks back, surprised by this reaction. Amy grabs onto her arm like it’s a handhold and for one moment, they’re both still. Karma is looking at Amy with wide eyes and in turn, the blonde is breathing hard, as if she’s just finished a marathon but she can’t catch her breath. Even in the dark, Karma can still the green gleam of her eyes. The moment passes and Karma gently steps back, expecting Amy to let go but instead, the other girl tightens her grip.

“Hold on,” Karma says, trying to hold back her laughter, “You’re _scared_ of the dark?”

“I’m not scared,” Amy shakily replies, “I’m just _anxious_.”

Karma snorts. “Right, and I’m the president of the United States.”

“That joke is way too old.”

“ _You’re_ way too old.”

Amy lets out a laugh that surprisingly pleases Karma.

“Okay, since you’re like twelve years old at the moment and the whole university seems to be suffering from a blackout, I was wondering if you had any candles in there. I—I can’t sleep in the dark.”

Karma frowns. She turns around and digs around her drawers. As she looks, she talks,

“You can’t sleep in the dark?” she says, “Why didn’t you say so? I’ve been like, _forcing_ you into shutting all the lights off whenever I decide to go to sleep.” She bites her lower lip when she realizes this. Amy is suddenly quiet and her grip on Karma’s arm slackens.

Karma turns around and has to narrow her eyes so that she can see the shape of Amy’s face.

“I’ve been sleeping with my nightlight under the blankets,” the blonde confesses.

Karma goes quiet. There is the unmistakable pain of guilt churning inside her stomach and she has to look away to avoid the scared expression on Amy’s face. _Why do I have to be such a bitch_? She thinks to herself as she pulls out a pack of white candles from underneath all her socks. She passes it over to Amy whose grip on her arm tightens considerably. She wants to say something but the words seem to have clogged in her throat. She has to swallow several times to choke out an apology.

“Amy, I—I’m sorry,” she says.

Amy goes still. She’s breathing softly and Karma sneaks a glance at her. The other girl is staring, green eyes practically glowing in the dark. Karma pulls a face when she realizes that Amy is probably not going to say anything else soon. She turns around and searches for a pack of matches.

“Anyway, this is going to be the last time you’re going to sleep in the dark,” Karma says, “I’m not going to be the one who’ll personally scar you during your college years.”

“Well, college sucks anyway,” Amy mumbles.

Karma finds the matches and twists around. Amy silently hands her the candles and Karma lights them up. After a while, the room is illuminated with an orange glow that highlights the angles and shapes of Amy’s face and the curve of her lips. Karma focuses on the flames for a while but then her gaze move towards Amy and she has to physically strain herself to look away.

“Just put the candles around,” Karma says, suddenly as if she’s inside an oven. Her clothes haven’t dried yet and she feels as if she’s burning in them. Sweat clings to her back and she rubs her neck awkwardly, wishing that the school can find a way to bring the power back on. She hates sleeping whenever it’s too hot or too cold. Also, she’s going to be sleeping on the floor so it’s going to be one hell of a night.

Amy is leaning over Karma’s nightstand when she suddenly swears out loud and shakes her hand blindly. She’s howling in pain and agony, her face twisted. Karma immediately rushes towards her, grabbing her hand and tenderly wiping the already drying wax from her palm. Amy suddenly tenses and Karma’s mouth silently drops open when she realizes what she has done. _Guess I’m not such a bitch, after all,_ she thinks to herself.

When she sees that Amy is already fine, she steps back and rubs her arms. She’s always had that insane urge to help anybody who cries out, especially when it’s a cat or a dog limping in their driveway. Maybe it’s just that, nothing more (but she’s not that sure).

“I’m going to take a bath first,” she says, pointing to the bathroom even though Amy already knows where it is. She gingerly grabs a candle and starts walking off, never looking back even though the wax is already burning her the skin of her fingers.

.

Amy is strumming her guitar when Karma emerges from the bathroom, feeling refreshed and new. The blonde doesn’t look up when she walks in but continues to stare intently at the strings. Karma is rubbing the water from her hair with a towel, frowning when she realizes that Amy’s fingers have stopped moving.

“Don’t stop,” Karma complains, “I’d rather have your horrible guitar skills than the deafening silence of the room.”

She hears Amy’s smirk rather than hears it. The room is still warm but it’s fractionally better. Karma moves towards the edge of Amy’s bed and sits down it, reaching out to grab the brush from the blonde’s desk. As she brushes her hair, she looks over at Amy who has dropped her guitar and is currently studying the walls, watching the candlelight flicker, making the shadows sway. She didn’t take a bath, just pulled off her clothes and threw it to the laundry basket. She’s now wearing a black shirt with khaki shorts and Karma has to admit that she looks good in black.

Karma’s gaze drops when she realizes that she’s staring. _Again_.

“You know, my father and I used to play shadows with our hands whenever a blackout came,” Amy says out of nowhere, her face soft and thoughtful, “and he’d always try to sing songs to keep me from getting bored.”

“I’m not your father,” Karma murmurs, putting the brush away.

Amy glances at her lazily. “I’m not asking you to do all of that,” she says, “I’m just saying, that’s all. You are, after all, the only person in here.”

Karma frowns. She remembers what Shane said when she was still repulsed by Amy. _Until you'll find someone who's willing to switch with you_. She forgot about that but now it’s all coming back. How she felt when she walked in to find Amy as her roommate, the words and painful things she snapped whenever Amy annoyed her, the phase where she didn’t know just how incredibly human Amy Raudenfeld was. She thinks of Naomi, whom she knows, will jump at the opportunity to be roommates with Amy but Naomi’s roommate is a girl named Soleil, who likes to bring her boyfriends into her bed. Suddenly, the thought of having another girl as a roommate besides Amy seems like an entirely strange idea to her.       

“Do you want to switch?” Amy asks, as if she’s read Karma’s mind. From the hard look on her face, the possibility doesn’t seem far off.

“No,” Karma tells her quickly, shaking her head, “Not really. Unless—” She swallows—“unless, you want to, which is definitely okay. I’m okay with that. You can just say so, you know.”

Amy laughs and she, too, shakes her head with the faintest smile on her lips.  “No, I don’t want to switch. First week with you was difficult but I’m used to you already. Having somebody else for a roommate—well, I don’t know—I just don’t want it anymore.”

The comment lightens up Karma in ways that she possibly cannot tell anyone else. She resolves herself to smiling down at her hands instead. Amy sighs audibly and then proceeds to play shadows. At first, Karma isn’t sure what she’s trying to create but it becomes evident that it’s a bird—or an eagle, to be precise. Amy’s fingers are long and nimble so the wings actually look like wings. Karma bites her lip, knowing that it’s childish but she can’t help it. She scoots closer to Amy and makes the same animal as well. Their arms brush together but Karma is too focused on making sure that her eagle is better than Amy’s. Her fingers are moving too much so her shadow doesn’t look like wings. She frowns, her eyebrows drawing a line together. She’s never been good at shadow play.

She doesn’t realize that Amy has stopped playing and is actually staring at her. When she does, it’s when she turns around to face her. Her mouth clamps shut when she sees that their faces are practically inches apart. The moment stills and Karma is reminded of the time in the fountain, when Amy grabbed her to keep her from falling but this time, it’s different. Karma already feels as if she’s plummeting to the ground at high speed.

Amy gazes at her, green eyes full of something that Karma can’t explain. Finally, the moment ends and Karma exhales a deep breath, looking away immediately.

But she knows that Amy is still staring.

“Pass me the guitar,” she says.

Amy looks surprised but obliges anyways. Once Karma feels the mini guitar in her hands, she starts to play, absentmindedly repeating the tune from the café. The song _Hush Hush_ comes to mind but she doesn’t sing. Because she knows that Amy knows. So instead, they sit there and listen as the music flows through the air.

.

The next day, Karma rolls over in Amy’s bed, her auburn curls a mess around her head. She rubs her eyes with the heel of her hand, yawning audibly. Sunlight is streaming through the glass windows and she sees that all of the candles have melted, the wax forming a puddle on the surface of their tables. She stretches her arms and looks over the edge.

Amy is sleeping on the floor, her face peaceful and serene. Karma is about to wake her up when she stops, her eyes tracing over the curve of Amy’s nose and the shape of her lips. She’s staring, she knows but she rarely gets to stare at Amy as openly as this. She doesn’t understand why she even begins staring but there’s just something about Amy that draws the eye, something about that drags all the attention towards her. Or maybe that’s just how Karma feels.

_Sorry, Naomi_ ,  she thinks to herself, reaching out and shaking Amy’s arm, _She’s_ my _roommate._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! I finally finished this incredibly long chapter! Proud of myself, to be honest. Anyway, thanks for reading! :)


	6. Make Me Lucky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yet she raises her head when she hears the question. Her green eyes are bright and she’s looking at Karma carefully, as if challenging her to say something more. But she doesn’t so the blonde says,
> 
> “She’s nice, pretty cool, if I have to say so myself.”
> 
> Karma ignores the knife in her heart. She crosses her arms and leans back against the wall.
> 
> “She likes you,” she says, waiting for Amy’s reaction.
> 
> The blonde shrugs but her gaze flickers towards Karma, as if she also waiting to see a reaction. Karma stubbornly sets her jaw and pointedly keeps the eye contact. She’s not going to back down. She doesn’t know what it means if she does but she knows that it’s something she doesn’t want to happen.

 

“Have you ever had a girlfriend before, Amy?” Naomi asks.

Karma makes a face at her tea. Shane barks out a laugh and Amy shifts uncomfortably in her seat. They’ve made _Café Shops_ their official hangout place after school. Even though Lauren doesn’t really look at all happy to see them coming back day by day, she seems pretty content with the amount of customers she’s getting. And besides, Amy likes to eat. Like a lot. She throws away all her money and buys with her heart’s content. Karma has to watch her weight but it’s not a problem for the other girl, which makes Karma insanely jealous.

Also, Lauren always reminds her that she’s free to eat whatever she wants (though she reminds the blonde begrudgingly) but Amy always shakes her head. Humble, Karma takes note. She finds herself smiling more and more nowadays and she’s taking a liking to Amy. She likes her laugh, likes her stupid fart jokes, likes the way her eyes light up whenever she talks about something she really loves (like Literature. She majors in American Lit; Karma wouldn’t have guessed.)

So when Naomi asks that question, Karma drops her gaze to the table, feeling her chest twist. In a state of complete denial, she tells herself that the idea of Amy having other friends besides her is the reason why she feels like she’s just been stabbed in the heart.

But Amy just shakes her head solemnly. She frowns and says,

“I’m not gay.”

“Oh, honey,” Shane says, patting her shoulder, “Are you going through an identity crisis?”

For once, Amy looks annoyed. Which is completely strange for Karma. Ever since they’ve gotten a hold of this uneasy friendship, Karma rarely gets to see Amy annoyed or angry or even remotely close to being pissed off. She’s always laughing, always smiling, and always wearing that insufferable smirk that makes Karma’s blood boil and her heart clench.

“I’m sorry,” Naomi says, sounding completely apologetic.

Amy’s face softens. Karma glances over at Naomi who looks pleased with herself.

“Why do you wear such boyish clothes anyway?” The words pop out of Karma’s mouth and she suddenly has this insane desire to ruin whatever progress Naomi has made with the other girl. She doesn’t understand why the sight of Amy looking at Naomi all soft and cute makes her stomach crumble. She pushes any thoughts of being jealous away, instead focusing on the probable fact that she’s just looking out for Naomi. Amy Raudenfeld can be a heartbreaker. With the way she looks, all girls and boys alike should be thundering across the hallway towards her, just to get a glimpse of those bright green eyes.

Amy glances at her, looking surprised but not angry. Damn. Karma feels annoyed. Why can’t Amy be angry with _her_? Out of all the people in this world, she’s the one who deserves the least kindness and honesty from Amy. After all, Karma’s been too much of a bitch.

“I like to be comfortable,” Amy answers, shrugging. “Ever since I was a kid, I preferred shirts and jersey shorts rather than dresses and blouses. My mom was upset but she eventually got used to the idea. And then _Lauren_ came in.” The blonde shoots a dirty look towards her step-sister, who dutifully ignores her. “Well, my mom found somebody else to fawn over.”

Karma can detect the hate and misery underneath all of Amy’s sarcasm, even if the other girl can’t. Shane and Naomi don’t seem to notice and she pats herself in the back for having an A+ on Amy Raudenfeld.

“Your mom doesn’t know what she’s missing,” Shane remarks. “You’re pretty awesome.”

Amy has the decency to actually blush. Karma wants to openly agree with Shane but something stops her and she doesn’t know what. Naomi nods her head way too fast, her cheeks pink.

“Thanks,” Amy says, smiling down at her food.

Karma stares at her and it doesn’t take long before Amy looks up and meets her gaze. Karma looks away. This always happens; the staring. It’s something she can no longer avoid. It’s as if there’s something magnetic about Amy that Karma’s eyes just have to drift towards her. But Amy doesn’t seem to mind though. She actually seems to enjoy it. It’s like a game to her; look before Karma can look away.

Amy smiles and doesn’t say anything.

.

“What do you think of Naomi?”

They’re back in the dorm, arranging the room. Karma has thrown the red tape away and is currently in the process of trying to gauge Amy from the book she’s reading. She thinks that Amy is hard working and enduring and all but if you pop a book in front of her face, she’ll drop everything. Right now, she’s reading _Every Day_ by David Levithan and is engrossed by it.

Yet she raises her head when she hears the question. Her green eyes are bright and she’s looking at Karma carefully, as if challenging her to say something more. But she doesn’t so the blonde says,

“She’s nice, pretty cool, if I have to say so myself.”

Karma ignores the knife in her heart. She crosses her arms and leans back against the wall.

“She likes you,” she says, waiting for Amy’s reaction.

The blonde shrugs but her gaze flickers towards Karma, as if she also waiting to see a reaction. Karma stubbornly sets her jaw and pointedly keeps the eye contact. She’s not going to back down. She doesn’t know what it means if she does but she knows that it’s something she doesn’t want to happen. Finally, after the staring contest, Amy drops her stare and lifts one shoulder, putting her book away.

“Yeah, I noticed,” she says lightly but Karma detects the shaking tone, “I don’t know what to do about it though.”

“Why don’t you just go and have a date with her?” Karma doesn’t know why she’s practically shoving Amy into Naomi’s direction but she can’t keep her mouth shut. She rubs her shoulders, as if the weight of her confusing feelings is getting heavier by the second. She thinks for a moment, trying to imagine Amy and Naomi holding hands and laughing. It’s not hard but she doesn’t understand the pain that stabs her in the chest whenever the images keep coming back.

Amy bites her lower lip. “She’s an amazing girl,” she says. “She’s beautiful but I just don’t know.” She scratches the back of her ears, frowning. “Why did you bring it up all of a sudden?”

But Karma is no longer listening. Her brain has immediately latched onto the words _She’s beautiful_. Shockingly enough, she starts to scrutinize Naomi Rosier in her mind, trying to understand what made Amy say that she’s beautiful. She always believes that she’s not a horrible friend but at this precise moment, she’s wondering why on earth Amy thinks that innocent and adorable Naomi is _beautiful_. Sure, Naomi has nice short dark hair, blue eyes that crinkle at the sides whenever she smiles, cute patches of freckles against her cheeks. She might be short and fair with the body of a swimmer but whenever she laughs, it always lights up a room. Okay, maybe Amy isn’t wrong but somehow Karma just can’t accept it. For her, Naomi is cute. So why does Amy think she’s beautiful?

“Karma?” Amy has stood up and is snapping her fingers in front of Karma’s face.

Karma jerks back, surprised at their close proximity. “Yeah? Were you saying something?” She tries to compose herself but based on the concerned look on Amy’s face, it’s not working.

“Yeah, I was wondering why you brought up the whole Naomi—”

“Oh, hey!” Karma says loudly, not wanting to talk about Naomi at all, “I just remembered that we’re supposed to rearrange the room. We should move the two beds together, don’t you think?”

Amy closes her mouth, looking disappointed. Karma mentally slaps herself. She turns away and throws the red tape into the trash can. She knows that Amy is looking at her (she can feel her spine tingling) but she forces herself not to look. She moves her bedside table to the left, just as Amy finally moves on and drags Karma’s bed to the middle of the room, adjoining it with her own.

Safe to say, they don’t talk about Naomi that night.

.

“Do you think she likes me back?” Naomi asks hopefully.

Karma has to force herself not to make a disgusted face. They’re sitting in _Café Shops_. Both Amy and Shane have classes so it’s just the two of them. It’s nice to spend time with her friend but whenever the other girl mentions Amy, Karma goes down into a spiral of jealously and hatred. The worst part about these feelings is that Karma is totally confused about them (and scared, if she has to be honest.)

“I honestly don’t know,” Karma says truthfully but she holds back a few crucial information that Naomi would definitely want to hear. And yet, she can’t bear to say them. It might burn Naomi’s hopes and she doesn’t want to see the other girl’s world crumble. “She’s so nice to everybody and besides, I’d notice if she’d treat you differently. I’m imagining flowers in your locker and holding your hand.” The words carve a hole into her heart. She looks up, expecting to see a light in Naomi’s eyes. She’s surprised to see that her friend is wearing a forlorn expression.

“She treats _you_ differently,” she says, her voice hard. Karma knows she’s not angry. Naomi can’t bear to ever be angry at anybody; that’s how completely naïve and innocent she is.

“Yeah, but that’s because I’m such a bitch to her,” Karma finds herself saying, even though she doesn’t believe her own words, “so she has to be extra nice to me. Besides, I like her as a friend and my mom would have a heart attack if I ever start thinking of her as something more.”

Naomi nods. She looks away and stirs her drink, thinking deeply. Finally, she says,

“Whatever happened to Liam?”

Karma nearly knocks over her tea. The name brings back both good and bad memories, memories of a boy looking at her with longing in his hazel eyes, memories of kisses too rough and too pushy, memories of laughter on a swing set and climbing trees. She clenches her fist tight and tries to ignore the pounding in her head. She told Naomi about Liam once and Naomi never forgets things. That’s what makes her such a good friend. Karma loves her for it.

“Nothing happened,” she says, knowing that she’s brooding slightly. “And besides, I don’t like him that way.”

Naomi nods again. She’s never met Liam and Karma isn’t planning a reunion any time soon.

Liam Booker is her childhood friend, her _best_ friend, in fact. Karma always counted on him and he always counted on her. They played together, ate together, and spent too much time together. He was there when she had her first boyfriend. He was there when Zen left for college. He’s there in all of her memories and maybe that’s why the thought of him is so painful. Just when they graduated high school, he confessed to her, saying that he’s been in love with her after all these years. He even kissed her, kissed her so hard and so rough that Karma felt as if she was suffocating. She rejected him. But he still hasn’t stopped trying, even when she left for this university.

“I don’t think much about him anymore,” Karma admits, sipping her tea, “I’ve been busy.”

“Yeah, adjusting to your new roommate.”

That’s true. Karma pouts. Amy has been overwhelming her thoughts so much that Karma can barely remember the last time she and Liam actually communicated.

“Maybe that’s good,” Naomi presses, “I mean, Liam could actually be falling for somebody else. There’s no way he’s still pining after you.”

“Yeah.” Karma chews her straw.

Naomi sighs and runs her fingers through her short dark hair. “You’re lucky, you know.”

Karma raises her eyebrows and chokes out a laugh. “And what makes me so lucky?” she asks.

“Well, you have somebody who loves you so much that they’re willing to wait for you, even though deep inside, they know that you’ll never love them back.” Naomi’s voice is soft. Karma is surprised to see tears brimming in her eyes.

“Love isn’t everything, Naomi,” Karma tells her, running her hand across her back soothingly. “And you’re going to find someone, okay? Better yet, that someone will be searching for you, dreaming about you, thinking about you and when the time comes, you’ll both fall in love.”

“I hope its Amy,” Naomi mumbles.

Karma stops moving. Naomi doesn’t seem to notice; she’s too engrossed in her own thoughts to see the conflicting emotions raging a war inside Karma’s eyes. The words have silenced her, taken her voice and left it underneath the bottom of the ocean. The words have carved an even bigger hole than before and the gaping pit of it makes Karma feel as if she’s slowly but surely dwindling into a chasm that will swallow her whole.

But instead of letting it get to her, she says, “I hope so too.”

It’s all worth it when she sees Naomi smile.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got asked to describe Naomi more so here she is! Dark haired and blue eyed. If you're still having trouble imagining her, just look at Kathryn Prescott in her new TV series Finding Carter. That's where I got the inspiration from since I really like the show. Anyway, I'm sorry if it's a relatively short chapter but I really wanted to post something so yeah. Thanks!


	7. Swim With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You want to take a bath?” Amy’s voice comes back.
> 
> “I want to swim,” Karma corrects profoundly.
> 
> Amy appears next to her. She’s wearing a red plaid shirt and torn jeans. Her blonde curls are all messy and tangled since Karma practically dragged her out of bed just to be here.
> 
> “Then swim,” Amy says, staring at her reflection on the water.
> 
> Karma holds out her hand. “Swim with me,” she says.
> 
> Amy looks up and meets her gaze. Since they’re sitting so close to each other, their faces are actually inches apart. Karma’s breath catches in her throat when she sees Amy’s eyelashes flutter shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I had the whole day off, I was actually able to write one more chapter! Which is awesome, in my case since I've been suffering from mental block for a while now. Anyway, I'm pretty proud of what I've done right now and expect a twist at the end ;)

 

“This isn’t as scary as I—HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!”

Karma quickly hides under the blanket, Amy’s laughter ringing in her ears. She squeezes her eyes shut and tries to block out that horrible music, wondering why on earth she decided to watch _Insidious_ with a certain blonde and knowing for a fact that she’s scared shitless of horror movies.

“Karma?” Amy is still laughing but it’s obvious that she’s trying to hide it.

“Don’t,” Karma says, still cowering under her blanket. Her heart is pounding.

Silence follows but Karma can feel the tension in the air. Amy has stiffened besides her and she knows that she’s resisting the urge to hide as well. Karma isn’t ashamed of being a scaredy-cat but she’s sort of embarrassed that she has to be one in front of the blonde. It’s not her fault; ever since she was a kid, her older brother Zen always made sure to scare her whenever she went to the bathroom in the middle of the night, emotionally scarring her for the rest of her life.

Somebody from the movie screams and Amy jerks upright, as if she’s been shocked. Karma doesn’t know what she’s thinking but she searches the darkness and the folds of blanket for Amy’s hand and when she does, she laces their fingers together and clutches it tight.

She can’t see much but she hears Amy inhale sharply. Somehow, the hand in hers makes everything better. She silently peeks out of her blanket and glances over at Amy, who is watching their intertwined fingers with a soft expression on her face. Karma feels the warmth in her cheeks and its spreading throughout her entire body, making her feel as if the temperature in the room has gone up a notch.

She returns her attention back on the laptop, trying to hide her smile.

“Have you watched this movie before?” she asks.

“Yeah,” Amy mumbles, after a moment’s pause. She pushes the blankets away and plays with Karma’s fingers, a gentle smile lighting up her face. Karma looks down at her, admiring the blonde locks, the green beneath her eyelashes and the pink lips curled into a smile. _She’s really beautiful_ , she thinks to herself and the words make her remember that Amy thinks that _Naomi_ is beautiful.

Karma pulls her hand away and pretends to rub the back of her neck. Amy looks surprised and equally disappointed but she doesn’t say anything. They turn their attention back to the movie but the silence is heavy instead of comfortable. Karma wants to say something but the words have died inside her. The fact that Naomi is in love (well, maybe _infatuated_ ) with Amy makes everything so much harder, especially with the conflicting emotions inside Karma’s chest. Sometimes, it gets so hard that Karma wakes up in the middle of the night with Amy’s name on her lips.

All her thoughts are cut off when that horrible song returns again, only this time higher and creepier. Karma flinches when she realizes that this part of the movie where everything just gets a lot messier and scarier. She knows that she shouldn’t do what she’s going to do next but she’ll be damned if she watches the next scenes without a hand to hold. So without saying anything, she laces her fingers with Amy’s once more and places her head on the blonde’s shoulder, praying to God that she won’t have a heart failure if something pops up on screen.

She hears Amy’s smile rather than sees it. The other girl tugs at her auburn curls and laughs when Karma pouts.

“Shut up,” she mumbles.

“Whatever,” Amy says, sighing audibly.

Karma’s heart speeds up. The way she sighs pulls at the strings in her chest. She looks down at their hands again, not thinking of Naomi and her love, not thinking of her mother and her beliefs, not thinking of Liam and his too harsh kisses but thinking of the way their hands seem to fit together perfectly.

.

“Karma, where are we going?” Amy complains loudly.

They pass the Agriculture building and Karma’s feet tread loudly against the pavement. Amy is lagging behind her, even though she has longer legs and therefore a faster pace. Its nighttime and way past curfew but they’re out in the campus, trying (and failing) to be ninjas, expertly dodging anybody who seems to be out as well. She doesn’t want anybody to know that she’s sneaked out of her dorm with Amy following her.

“Will you keep it _down_?” Karma says, whipping her head around and glaring at the blonde.

“Hey, _I’m_ not the one dragging you in the middle of the night to god-knows-where,” Amy snaps impatiently.

“I wanted to show you something.”

Amy’s face softens considerably. Karma knows that she has that effect on her. All she has to do is pout and flutter her eyelashes and Amy’s a goner. Having this kind of power over someone is strangely refreshing.

“Okay,” Amy mumbles, falling in step next to her. “But I need my beauty sleep here, Karma.”

“Don’t worry, Amy,” Karma says, turning around and smiling brightly, “You still look gorgeous to me.”

There’s a fine line between flirting and being generous in compliments and Karma is pretty sure that she’s just crossed it. Amy doesn’t seem to mind though. She smiles, reaches out and takes a hold of Karma’s hand. Karma smiles as well and then they’re walking across the grounds, heading towards the swimming pool. Amy gives her a questioning look when Karma pushes the doors open and heads over to the edge.

The water is still and clear and Karma just stares at it, captivated by its beauty. She’s a great swimmer, since her mother coaxed her out of the house and signed her up for a summer swim team that one time. Everybody was surprised when this newbie came in and blew the competition off the roof. And when she heard that there’s a pool in this university, she knew that she was going to sneak in one night and just take a swim.

And that night is tonight.

Karma dips her fingers into the surface, shivering when she feels the cold.

“You want to take a bath?” Amy’s voice comes back.

“I want to swim,” Karma corrects profoundly.

Amy appears next to her. She’s wearing a red plaid shirt and torn jeans. Her blonde curls are all messy and tangled since Karma practically dragged her out of bed just to be here.

“Then swim,” Amy says, staring at her reflection on the water.

Karma holds out her hand. “Swim with me,” she says.

Amy looks up and meets her gaze. Since they’re sitting so close to each other, their faces are actually inches apart. Karma’s breath catches in her throat when she sees Amy’s eyelashes flutter shut. The moment seems so precious and so gentle that Karma feels as if she’s treading between life and death. The urge to reach out and touch Amy is so overwhelming that she has to physically stop herself but when Amy starts to lean forward, Karma has no choice but to push her over the edge.

“KARMA!” Amy manages to scream before she submerges into the depths.

Karma lets out a laugh as Amy’s head pokes out from the surface. She seems put off but not really angry. Instead, she starts to laugh, that adorable laugh that makes Karma’s chest twist. Karma’s heart is still pounding from the close call. She has to wonder if she shouldn’t have pushed the blonde away.

“You’re going to pay for that,” Amy says loudly, her voice echoing against the walls.

Karma laughs louder and jumps in, splashing water everywhere. She hears Amy’s delighted shriek as she breaks from the surface and inhales the oxygen she needs greedily. Being in the pool feels like coming back home after a long day from work and the water embraces her as if she’s a long lost friend. She looks around for Amy, drops of water dripping from her eyelashes and spots the blonde near the edge, clinging to the floor.

“Don’t tell me,” Karma calls out, swimming towards her, kicking the water as she goes. “You can’t swim.”

“I can swim,” Amy says lightly and when Karma reaches her, she sees that the blonde is tracing patterns on the marble floor, “but I don’t do it often.”

Karma places her arms against the edge, pouting. Her clothes cling to her body and she inhales the sweet smell of the water all around her. Amy is humming under her breath and it takes a while for Karma to realize that she’s humming her _Hush, Hush_ song.

“You really like that song, huh?” Karma says playfully, nudging the other girl with her elbow.

“It reminds me of someone,” Amy says, not looking at her but at the patterns she’s tracing on the marble.

Karma drops her gaze. She seems to be doing a lot of that and it’s a miracle that Amy hasn’t noticed yet.

“Well, you need to sing it properly then,” she finds herself saying. The blonde turns and gives her a puzzled look but then Karma opens her mouth and starts singing again.

She doesn’t know why, but the song reminds her of someone too.

.

“Karma, you okay?”

Karma looks up from her notes. She and Shane are sitting in her usual spot at _Café Shops_. There is a cup of strong black coffee sitting in front of her and its nearly finished but she can’t seem to keep her eyes open. Maybe swimming in the middle of the night wasn’t such a good idea. She and Amy came back to their dorms at 3 am, dripping wet and giggling like a bunch of school girls and they fell asleep at 4. And now, Karma can barely read the words in front of her, let alone read them.

“Sorry,” she says, rubbing her eyes and sipping her coffee. It leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. “I’ve just had a late night out.”

“With Amy, I presume?” Shane says, giving her a knowing look.

The mention of Amy quickly snaps Karma awake. She nearly knocks over coffee, which has happened once or twice already and throws Shane a dirty look.

“Yeah, what about her?” she says.

“You two are spending _way_ too much time together,” he says, gesturing wildly. “I mean, Naomi’s getting jealous and I barely see you anymore. It’s getting to me.”

“Aw,” Karma says, laughing, “I didn’t know that our time together was special to you.”

“It is,” Shane insists, his dark eyes glinting, “and I have a feeling that Amy means something more to you than a friend.”

The abrupt change in topic throws Karma off and this time, she really does knock over her coffee. It’s not a major spill, since she’s drank most of it but the dark liquid makes a puddle on the surface and Lauren quickly hops over and cleans it.

“Thanks,” Karma mumbles, embarrassed.

“Do you have like, a radar if something like that happens?” Shane asks, smirking.

Lauren throws him a look. Her blue eyes narrow. “No, I just have a bullshit radar.”

“It must be off then,” Shane remarks, “since it hasn’t led you over to the table of douchebags over there.” He pointedly looks over to the next table where Tommy (a famous football scholar) is currently sitting with his friends. They’re laughing loudly and obviously harassing the cute waitresses who give out orders. Karma hates them with a burning passion.

“That’s my boyfriend you’re talking about,” Lauren spits.

“Oh, such a shame,” Shane says, voice dripping with sarcasm, “I thought you’d at least have an attractive boyfriend.”

“Well at least I have one, unlike some of us.”

The comment stuns Shane speechless. Lauren smirks and then gives Karma look.

“You have my step-sister so I guess you don’t need a boyfriend,” she says before storming off.

Karma is stunned as well. She wants to contradict her but it’s as if all her words have gone, leaving her breathless and in shock. She watches as Lauren pecks Tommy’s cheek lightly before heading off to serve another customer. Then it’s just silence between Shane and her.

Finally, Karma chokes out, “But she’s not my girlfriend.”

“Karma,” Shane starts to say. He sighs. “We all know that. Besides, you’re totally straight and you’re going to find that one guy who makes your no-no place say yes-yes.”

The words seem wrong and foreign to her ears but Karma doesn’t say anything. Instead, she broods in her silence and tries to forget about Amy, and the way she smiles and laughs and the way her green eyes glow even in the darkness and the way she looks at Karma, as if she’s a precious thing to be looking at.

Shane touches her arm and pointedly glances over at the front door.

“Hey, it could be _him_ ,” he says, smirking.

Karma looks up and freezes. _No_ , she thinks blandly. _It can’t be_. But it is because he’s walking towards her, with the same messy brown hair and the same bright hazel eyes and the same soft smile. Somehow, he’s gotten taller over the months and his chest is broader, his arms bigger but he still looks at her the same way, still looks at her the way Amy does.

And he’s here.

“Hey, Karma,” he greets, his tone full of love and familiarity.

Karma’s voice is small as she says,

“Hi, Liam.”

 


	8. Helps The Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What are you doing?” she asks slowly.
> 
> “I’m giving you a massage,” Karma says, pressing her fingers against the sides of the other girl’s temple. She starts to rub in soothing circles and Amy’s eyes flutter shut again. “It helps with the pain.”
> 
> As her hands move, her eyes travel down Amy’s soft and open face. Her gaze focuses on the small spattering of freckles against the cheeks and the small half-moon scar under the lower lip. She’s never been this close to Amy before. Well, maybe she has but the encounters only last for about two seconds before they move away. She remembers the morning after their first night together at Café Shops, how she woke up and stared at Amy for about ten seconds longer than necessary before waking her up. So, this is the first time she gets to stare at her with the other girl being fully conscious about it. Amy doesn’t react, doesn’t say ‘What are you doing?’ Instead, she just lies there and lets Karma do her work.
> 
> It doesn’t take long for Karma’s fingers to start aching so she stops and just stares. Amy frowns and slowly opens her eyes, wondering why the massage has stopped. Then she realizes what Karma is doing and her breath catches in her throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I must've been really inspired because I finished this in like, four hours. It usually takes a day or two so I'm freaking applauding myself over here. Anyway, I hope you liked it! This was such a joy to write!

 

 

“You _know_ him?” Shane says out loud, obviously shocked at this new turn of events.

Karma stands up just as Liam moves around the table and wraps his big arms around her shoulders. She inhales his aftershave and his intoxicating perfume, trying to keep herself from cringing when his hand nearly brushes her behind. He must’ve sensed her discomfort because he pulls away, hurt masking his handsome features. Karma tries to smile.

“What are you doing here?” she asks politely.

“I wanted to see you,” he says and he’s the blushing boy again, the same boy who held her when Zen left, the same boy who laughed from across the lunch table, and the same boy who confessed his feelings for her after they graduated. She looks at him now, with too much sadness and heartbreak written all over her face.

Liam’s smile fades.

“Karma,” he says, his voice cracking at the edges, “Look, I—it’s been like six months since I’ve last since you and I miss my best friend, okay? So, let’s forget about the whole high school graduation fiasco because I came here to see my friend, not the girl I’ve been pining for nearly fourteen years now.”

He speaks in a jokingly way, even though it’s obvious that the memory still pains him. He drops his gaze to the floor, biting his lower lip and waiting patiently for Karma’s reaction.

Karma feels as if all the air has been sucked out of her lungs. She can still remember Liam’s face when he said, “I’ve been in love with you for more than a decade” after all the young graduates left to celebrate either with their friends or family. She can still remember his lips on hers, hard and unyielding, rough and full of longing. She can still remember the way she pushed him away and how betrayed she felt. Liam was—and is _still_ —her best friend but Karma knows that something has changed. And she knows that Liam knows as well.

“Right,” she finds herself saying, forcing another smile, “Just friends.”

When Liam smiles again, it lights up his entire face. He reaches out and hugs her again and this time, Karma allows herself to wrap her arms around his neck, her fingers digging hard into his shoulder blades. She inhales his smell and buries her face into the crook of his neck, glancing over at Shane who has looked away pointedly. His face displays disappointment but what for?

Then he tenses visibly and Karma’s gaze follows his. She freezes in Liam’s arms and hurriedly pulls away, her face burning with embarrassment and her eyes stinging with disappointed tears. But she knows that it’s too late. She mentally scolds herself for letting that embrace last for more than three seconds.

The front door opens and Karma says,

“Hi, Amy.”

The blonde smiles at her. She’s wearing another one of her plaid shirts but this time it’s a combination of blue and green. Her cargo pants reach her knees and she’s standing the way Liam is standing, all laid back and comfortable but Karma can see right through it. She practically _memorizes_ everything about the way Amy smiles and this smile is something she hasn’t seen before. It’s cold and mechanical and the edges of it are razor sharp. Karma winces.

Amy notices Liam and stretches her hand out.

“Hi, I’m Amy,” she says politely.

Liam returns the smile and shakes her hand.

“I’m Liam,” he says.

Judging by the way they’re smiling at each other, all polite and nice, Karma knows that something is seriously wrong. Normally, Liam would be asking things and Amy would be offering to buy food or drinks but instead, they just step back and awkwardly wait for somebody to speak. The tension is so thick that even Shane seems uncomfortable by it.

“Okay,” he finally says, reaching out and grabbing Amy’s wrist. He pulls her to the seat next to his. “We’re going to do our homework while you two have your little reunion over there.”

Karma sends him a grateful look while Liam places his hand on the small of her back, gently leading her outside. She knows that they have to talk but do they have to do it _now_ , when Amy is surely watching from behind? She resists the urge to pull away, knowing that if she does exactly that, then she’s screwed. Liam is basically her mother’s eyes and ears. There is _nothing_ that he won’t say to her. That’s one of the things Karma dislikes about her best friend.

That, and his dislike for lesbians and dykes.

“Do you know _her_?” he says, jerking his head back to the café. His face is full of disgust. “Does your mom know? God, if she cut her hair, then she’d look _exactly_ like Dylan from our old high school.” He guffaws but cuts off sharply when he realizes that she isn’t laughing with her. “What’s wrong? Do you have a stomach ache? Are you going to puke? You make the same face every time.”

“She’s my friend,” Karma says icily, “and you just insulted her.”

Liam’s face morphs into disbelief. “Are you serious?” he asks. “Karma, this is a lesbian we’re talking—”

“She’s not a lesbian,” Karma snaps between gritted teeth.

They both stop under an oak tree. Karma remembers moments from their childhood where Liam used to climb trees and break every bone of his body. It doesn’t make her smile, though, because she’s so fucking pissed. _How dare him!_ She thinks darkly, glaring at the boy she’s known better than herself. She can’t even begin to comprehend the hatred she feels, the ugly emotion that starts to take root in her chest so instead of saying a lot of horrible things that are forming inside her head, she keeps her mouth shut and waits for Liam to speak, which he does a second later,

“You’ve changed.”

“Of course I’ve changed!” Karma yells, her hatred colliding with anger, “What am I supposed to say, Liam? Do you honestly expect me to pretend like _nothing_ happened between us? You told me that you loved me and I rejected you, remember? And then you’re here, acting exactly the same and I’m sorry but I can’t do that!”

“Karma!” Liam’s hazel eyes darken considerably. He looks around, nodding at people who are scurrying away. Karma is too absorbed in her anger to care much about them. When he turns back to her, his face softens. “Look, I came here because I missed you, okay? I missed talking to you. I missed hearing your laugh. I missed everything about you and I still do. And I know that it’s too much to ask but I want to spend one day with you, before everything else went to crap.”

“Everything went to crap,” she says but her voice is softening as well and damn it, she’s forgiving him, she’s already forgiven him. That’s the worst attribute that Karma has; she forgives and forgets too easily.

“I’m sorry,” he says, looking at her pleadingly.

She sighs, shaking her head. Then she grapples for his hand and intertwines their fingers together, the way she used to when they were still the best of friends. Liam’s face breaks out in a goofy smile and he swoops down to plant a kiss against her forehead. She shudders but tries not to let her discomfort show. Liam came all the way here just to visit her. She should be grateful.

But she isn’t.

As Liam takes her to his Mercedes, Karma glances back to the café. She can see Shane and Amy through the windows, talking as if nothing is bothering them. Her heart twists in her chest. She thinks of Amy’s smile, as sharp as a knife. Maybe she expects somebody to be cut by it.

And maybe she has.

Because Karma’s heart feels as if it’s bleeding.  

She turns around and follows Liam.

.

They end up watching a romantic movie, which Karma totally thinks is cliché and boring. Liam must think so too but he endures because it’s the kind of movies where couples get to cuddle. Karma blows a hole into his plan because she crosses her arms and leans forward, completely ignoring Liam’s advances. So much for being friends. She knows that it’s not fair for his part. Fourteen years is a long time after all. She wonders how he must’ve felt, when she pushed him away after the graduation ceremony.

_Devastated_ , she thinks, _Betrayed. Angry. Depressed_.

She looks back at the screen. The girl is a blonde. She looks like Amy, if she focuses well enough and the thought of Amy makes Karma think more about her, makes her wonder about how she’s doing and what she’s doing. There’s a longing inside her veins, a longing that intensifies when the blonde on the screen gets to kiss the guy. She thinks back to all those near—well, they weren’t near kisses since Karma has never really thought of kissing Amy— _close calls,_ then. She thinks back to all those close calls, where Amy’s face was just _inches_ from her own. She remembers the green of her eyes, the curve of her lips and the smell of her being so close. She remembers the warmth of her body, the soft texture of her hands against Karma’s arms and it makes her feel as if she’s not supposed to be here. It makes her feel like she’s supposed to be back at the dorm, watching scary movies with Amy Raudenfeld.

Liam suddenly clears his throat, his fingers brushing against the nape of her neck. Karma immediately straightens up, her skin crawling. All thoughts of Amy go out of the window when she remembers where she is. She’s in a friendly date with Liam Booker, her best friend—so why can’t she stop thinking about her roommate?

“Are you hungry?” Liam asks, concern coloring his tone.

Karma shakes her head, turning her attention back to the screen. But Liam is persistent.

“So, how’s college?” he says.

Reluctantly dragging her eyes away from the movie, Karma leans back and tries to give Liam a smile.

“It’s been good,” she says, “I like the teachers. I like the lessons. I like my roommate.” She doesn’t know what made her say the last one and she blushes fiercely. Liam doesn’t notice because it’s too dark in the theatre. Instead, he laughs and rubs his hands together.

“Well, that’s good. College is no fun if you don’t have any friends,” he says lightly.

“Yeah, she’s the best,” Karma finds herself saying and BAM! She’s being dragged back into Amy Land. She thinks of her golden hair, her green eyes and the smiles that can betray any emotion that she’s truly feeling. “We watch movies together and she cooks a lot. She makes the best chicken I’ve ever tasted. Maybe it’s because her stepfather’s a farmer. Anyway, she makes me laugh, like a lot and sometimes, I drag her out in the middle of the night just so that we can take a dip in the swimming pool. Do you remember the time my mom forced me to take swimming classes? Well, I just realized that I missed it. It also helps to have somebody with you. And my roommate’s always been there for me, it’s kind of annoying.”

Liam laughs again but it’s a laugh laced with discomfort.

“Wow,” he says, “You must really like her.” He pauses. “As a friend.”

Karma’s heart nearly stops beating. _Shit_ , she thinks, _he suspects. Fuck. Karma, do something!_

“Yeah, as a friend. Besides, she has a boyfriend.” She sounds ridiculous and redundant but then Liam’s shoulders relax and he grins.

“That’s good,” he says, “For a moment there, you sounded as if you were in love with her or something.”

Karma guffaws. Liam gives her a strange look but shrugs, apparently deciding that it’s probably normal behavior. Meanwhile, Karma is _this_ close to having a panic attack. Her heart is throbbing painfully and she has to pretend to drop her phone so that Liam can’t see the alarm in her eyes. God, does she really sound like she’s in love with Amy? She thinks back to all the words she’s blurted out. Well, maybe she gave Liam too much information but she can’t help that she knows too much about Amy.

She glances down at her phone. Somehow, the screen has displayed the blonde’s name and picture. They’ve had too many selfies already. One time, Amy challenged her to the Selfie Olympics, which Karma lost after Amy pictured herself standing in the highest building of the school and bravely leaning against the railing, nearly _this_ close to falling to the ground. Karma nearly got a heart attack when she first saw it.

Her thumb hovers over the Call button but then Liam clears his throat again. He seems to be doing a lot of that, which really irks Karma. She puts her phone away, but not before sending Amy a message that reads:

**Be back home soon xx**

.

Liam drives her back to the dorms while talking about his scholarship in this Arts school. He seems pretty proud of himself and is obviously trying to keep his excitement down. Karma is happy for him but she just can’t seem to get into the conversation. Sure, she nods and asks questions at the appropriate times. The problem is that, her heart’s not in it. She’s still thinking of Amy, which she seems to be doing a lot lately.

When Liam’s Mercedes pulls into the driveway, he stops and turns to look at her, his smile instantly slipping off.

“Okay,” he says, sounding deadly serious, “Spill. What’s up with you? You’re barely listening to me!”

Karma whirls around, raising her eyebrows in mock surprise. Liam gives her an exasperated look.

“What?” she says, since she’s basically dying to go home.

“You can tell me anything,” Liam murmurs.

“There’s nothing to tell.”

Liam sighs. He runs his hand through his hair and thinks for a moment. Karma crosses her arms and tries to look into her dorm room. For one moment, she thinks she sees someone watching them but she blinks and there’s nobody in the fourth floor. Disappointment curdles in her stomach. She turns to Liam, about to tell him that she needs to go when he says, “Fuck it” and kisses her.

Karma lets out a gasp when she feels his hard and rough lips against hers. His fingers are on her hair, touching the curls and twirling them. He practically begs for entrance but Karma pulls away, shaking her head and sniffing. Liam looks heartbroken. This is the second time she’s pulled away and this is the second time he looks like that, his hazel eyes downcast and his face all sad and broken.

“I’m sorry,” she says, blinking rapidly.

“Karma,” he mumbles.

She opens the door and steps out into the cold night. The wind kisses her bare skin and she hugs her arms, heading for the dormitory and never looking back.

.

“I’m home,” she calls out.

She frowns when she sees that all the lights are turned off. Amy never sleeps with the lights turned off. Maybe she’s not here. The sadness inside her veins surprises her but she shakes her head and pulls off her sandals. She searches the wall for the switch and flips it on. Immediately, a groan breaks out from beneath the folds of blanket in Amy’s side of the bed. A smile lights up Karma’s face but it fades as soon as she realizes that there might be a problem.

“Are you okay?” she asks the lump in the bed.

Amy groans in reply. She sounds pained. Karma’s heart twist. She shuts off the lights, closes the door behind her and crawls into the bed, shaking the blonde’s arm lightly.

“What’s wrong?” her voice is tinged with worry and concern.

“I have a migraine,” Amy mumbles.

“Why didn’t you turn on the lights?”

“It hurts my eyes.”

Karma bites her lower lip and gently pulls down the blanket covering Amy’s head. The blonde’s face is shining with sweat and her cheeks are flushed a bright red. When Karma touches her temple, she can feel the heat and warmth coming off from the other girl, like an oven turned to the highest level. Amy moans and something inside Karma tingles.

“Did you drink aspirin?” she asks.

Amy opens her eyes and looks at her carefully. “Do you think I’m an idiot?” she croaks.

“Do you really want me to answer that question?”

The other girl snorts. Karma smiles to herself. Then an idea pops up in her head and she positions her body so that she’s completely leaning over Amy. The blonde gives her an odd look.

“What are you doing?” she asks slowly.

“I’m giving you a massage,” Karma says, pressing her fingers against the sides of the other girl’s temple. She starts to rub in soothing circles and Amy’s eyes flutter shut again. “It helps with the pain.”

As her hands move, her eyes travel down Amy’s soft and open face. Her gaze focuses on the small spattering of freckles against the cheeks and the small half-moon scar under the lower lip. She’s never been this close to Amy before. Well, maybe she has but the encounters only last for about two seconds before they move away. She remembers the morning after their first night together at _Café Shops_ , how she woke up and stared at Amy for about ten seconds longer than necessary before waking her up. So, this is the first time she gets to stare at her with the other girl being fully conscious about it. Amy doesn’t react, doesn’t say ‘What are you doing?’ Instead, she just lies there and lets Karma do her work.

It doesn’t take long for Karma’s fingers to start aching so she stops and just stares. Amy frowns and slowly opens her eyes, wondering why the massage has stopped. Then she realizes what Karma is doing and her breath catches in her throat.

Karma’s auburn curls form a curtain around them both. Even though its dark and all the lights are turned off, Karma can still see the brightness of Amy’s green eyes. They’re strangely beautiful, (well, they’re _always_ beautiful) like staring into a galaxy and Karma feels as if she’s falling straight into an abyss full of stars and a specific shade of green. She doesn’t realize she’s holding her breath until Amy’s left hand is on the crook of her elbow and she releases it in an exhale. Her fingers are soft and warm and it does something to Karma, makes her feel as if ants are crawling down her spine.

Amy’s lips part and there’s an insane urge to kiss her running through Karma’s veins. She can feel the physical pull between them both, like an invisible magnetic energy making her _want_ to close the distance between them and Karma wants it, wants it so badly that she’s pretty sure that she’s never wanted anything more in her life. She leans forward, sees Amy’s eyes close and her heart is a rapid drumbeat, throbbing in her chest as a painful reminder of this girl’s effect on her. She inhales sharply but before their lips can meet, there’s a sharp knock at the door and Karma instinctively jerks back.

Amy stays down, however, but Karma sees her take a deep breath that seems to rattle her lungs. For a few moments, they’re still, just staring at anything _but_ at each other. Then the knock comes again, more persistent than the last and Amy’s voice cracks when she says, “You should go get it.”

Karma swears that if Liam Booker is standing there, she’ll kick him to the curb.

But instead, when she flings open the door, she finds Naomi Rosier standing on the other side of the door. To Karma’s dismay, she sees that the other girl is holding a pillow and a blanket. Naomi smiles cheekily when Karma raises an eyebrow at her.

“AC broke down,” she says, “Mind if I stay over?”

Karma does mind but she shakes her head and steps back.

.

Later that night, Karma wakes up with Amy’s name on her lips. It’s a good thing that both Naomi and the blonde are asleep because if either of them heard her, then she won’t know what to do.

 


	9. Too Much Butterflies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What are you trying to say?” she asks Amy, narrowing her dark green eyes.
> 
> Amy looks impatient and frustrated at the same time. She puts down her book (finally, Karma thinks drily) and straightens up. She stubbornly sets her jaw and says,
> 
> “Is he your boyfriend?”
> 
> Karma stares at her, eyes with disbelief. No way, she thinks to herself. Amy isn’t jealous. That’d be absurd. Besides, Karma is pretty sure that deep down inside, the blonde actually hates her. Who the hell doesn’t hate the person who used to bully them? Though, she still doesn’t know what happened two nights ago, when Karma nearly kissed Amy. It was probably just a spur of the moment, a complete mistake that would’ve caused their friendship to crumble. And yet…Karma still relents Naomi for walking in at that precise moment. If she got one minute instead of one second, would they still have kissed?
> 
> Karma shakes the thoughts away. She carefully scrutinizes the look on Amy’s face, as if the girl has swallowed something sour. Even though she knows that it’s wrong that Amy might (possibly) be jealous, it somehow pleases Karma all the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, another chapter! I'm scared that at this point, I won't get enough sleep for school tomorrow. The things I do for love, I guess. I'm kind of determined to post a chapter EVERY NIGHT, which will end horribly, I presume. Well, better start drinking some coffee then. 
> 
> I'm sorry this was a bit messy. My thoughts were all over the place tonight.

 

“Amy.”

“Hmm?” The blonde barely looks up from the book she’s reading.

“Amy.”

“What?”

“Can you at least look at me?”

They’re in the dorm room with Karma sitting at her study table and Amy relaxing on her bed with a book propped up in front of her. Karma tries not to feel annoyed but it’s kind of hard not to, especially when Amy has been carefully ignoring her for the past two days. It’s been kind of like a mine field in her own room, since one wrong move or word can set off Amy and make her shut up for an hour or so, leaving Karma in the depths of her silence.  And it’s definitely getting to Karma.

It takes Amy a full twelve seconds to reluctantly drag her eyes away from the book. And she does it with a small and annoyed look on her face. She shoots Karma a glare.

“What is it?” she demands.

“Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go to the café with me,” Karma answers pleasantly.

Amy pretends to think about it, even though the answer is plain in her scowl. “How about—hmm, no?”

“Amy!” Frustrated, Karma drags her fingers through her auburn curls, trying not to scream. Ever since Liam arrived, Amy has been cold, too cold for Karma’s liking. And even though she won’t admit it out loud, Karma knows that she misses Amy, misses her roommate so badly that she can’t even watch a movie without feeling nostalgic.

The blonde returns her gaze back towards the book, choosing not to say anything.

“Come on,” Karma nearly pleads, “I just want to get some milk tea—”

“Then why don’t you go with Liam?” Amy snaps.

The name brings out a bitter tasted in Karma’s tongue. She shudders inwardly, trying not to think about the kiss he forced on her. _He’s still the same_ , she thinks darkly but amidst her anger and blunt disapproval, there’s pity and empathy because Liam is brokenhearted and he’s still clinging onto the hope that she’ll return his feelings. And that’s the problem. Karma will always look at Liam as her best friend, and nothing more.

“What are you trying to say?” she asks Amy, narrowing her dark green eyes.

Amy looks impatient and frustrated at the same time. She puts down her book ( _finally_ , Karma thinks drily) and straightens up. She stubbornly sets her jaw and says,

“Is he your boyfriend?”

Karma stares at her, eyes with disbelief. _No way_ , she thinks to herself. Amy isn’t jealous. That’d be absurd. Besides, Karma is pretty sure that deep down inside, the blonde actually hates her. Who the hell doesn’t hate the person who used to bully them? Though, she still doesn’t know what happened two nights ago, when Karma nearly kissed Amy. It was probably just a spur of the moment, a complete mistake that would’ve caused their friendship to crumble. And yet…Karma still relents Naomi for walking in at that precise moment. If she got one minute instead of one second, would they still have kissed?

Karma shakes the thoughts away. She carefully scrutinizes the look on Amy’s face, as if the girl has swallowed something sour. Even though she knows that it’s wrong that Amy might (possibly) be jealous, it somehow pleases Karma all the same.

“No,” she says, pretending to still look angry even though she’s a giddy mess inside. “He’s my best friend.”

“No, he’s not,” Amy insists, sounding mildly disgusted, “I can see the way he looks at you.”

Karma toys with an auburn curl, giving Amy a look.

“Well, whatever you say, buttface,” she murmurs but when she turns away, she smiles down at her hands.

“Buttface? Completely unoriginal,” Amy grumbles.

“What? Do you want me to call you dyke or something?” She knows that she’s pushing the buttons too hard now but she sort of likes it when Amy gets uncomfortable and squeamish.

The blonde shoots her another glare. “That’s not better.”

Karma shrugs. She looks back at her notes, trying to focus on the words but her thoughts keep straying back towards Amy. She tells herself not to say anything stupid because lately, she’s been saying a lot of stupid things when it comes to the other girl. Tapping her pen against the surface of the table, she sighs and finally says,

“Have you ever been in love before?”

Even though Karma isn't facing her, she senses Amy stiffen.

“That’s an odd question,” the blonde answers carefully.

Karma twists her head around, raising her eyebrows. “Why would it be odd? I’m sure you’ve had plenty of celebrity crushes. And girl crushes.” The thought makes her uncomfortable and she quickly changes the subject. “So, have you ever fallen before?”

Amy puts away her book and leans back against the headboard of the bed. Her blonde hair is tied in a tight ponytail and Karma’s eyes drift towards her exposed neck, where there patches of freckles against her skin. Something inside her stomach tightens considerably and she swallows a lump in her throat when she realizes that Amy hasn’t said anything for a full thirty seconds.

“Well?” she says, a bit impatiently. She gestures, as if the answers are written in thin air.

Amy’s green eyes go cold. “No, I haven’t, actually.”

“What about Oliver?”

The blonde looks up and locks their gazes together. She frowns, and it’s obvious that it’s a question she’s never given the time to think of.

“What about him?” she asks.

“Are you serious?” Karma says, her voice full of incredulity, “He’s in love with you! I’ve met the guy for like, five minutes and I can already see that he’s crazy about you.” The words are sharp and cuts her throat when they escape her lips. She swallows, feeling like somebody’s reached out and squeezed her heart.

Amy looks surprised. “Really? I’ve never noticed that before.”

“See? You and I are the same. You can see that Liam is in love with me but I don’t feel the same way. I can see that Oliver is in love with you and you don’t feel the same way. I might not be a dyke just like you, Raudenfeld but we’re two sides of the same coin.”

Amy’s lips curl and she smiles. It’s the first smile that Karma has gotten in two days and needless to say, it feels really good.

“Okay,” the blonde says, “What about you? Have you fallen in love before?”

“Well.” Karma squints. “My mom used to tell me that once we fall really in love, you know, like pummeling straight into the abyss of pain and torture, then we’ll feel as if there are hundred butterflies in our stomachs.” Uh oh. Word vomit. She’s going to rant now and she prays that Amy has the patience to listen. “It’s as if there’s an entire forest inside you, constantly making you feel as if you’re going to puke at any second now. And whenever you see them, one of those butterflies finds its way into the heart and the feelings just increase in size and quality. That’s love for me, I guess. Butterflies.”

“Hmm.” Amy leans forward, propping her chin against the heel of her hand. “I’ve never felt butterflies in my life before.”

But oh, Karma has. And she’s mortified to realize that the first butterflies have already taken flight.

“You have, though,” Amy says, narrowing her eyes, “I’m sure you felt a spark between you and Liam. Tell me, Karma, are there butterflies in your stomach right now?”

Karma can’t bear to lie to her so she nods, the answer right between them and there’s this one moment where Amy’s face completely crumbles but the moment passes and Amy gives her a triumphant look.

“Well, I hope you’re happy with Liam.”

And then she returns her attention back to her book, leaving Karma with the butterflies.

.

“Karma, Karma,” Shane says, laughing softly, “I can’t believe you just let a catch like _Liam_ get away!”

They’re heading towards their usual hang-out. Shane is wearing designer jeans with a soft red scarf wrapped around his shoulders. He smiles, his dark eyes glinting as he describes his encounter with the sex god Liam Booker. Karma is uncomfortable with his blatant display of attraction, since Liam is her best friend and Shane is totally and fabulously gay. But she tries to smile for him.

“He’s my friend,” she says, leaves crumbling underneath her sandals, “and our relationship right now is complicated.”

“Come on, Karma,” Shane says exasperatedly, “He seems like a nice guy and I saw the way he looked at you. It was like, you were the center of the universe or something. How can you ever just let him go?”

Karma bites her lower lip. She can see the café up ahead now and to her dismay, spots Naomi and Amy at their usual table, chatting comfortably with each other. Her heart twists in jealously and pain. She refuses to acknowledges the butterflies crawling into her chest, choosing to focus on what Shane is saying,

“I just don’t get it. I mean, some of us spend the rest of our lives looking for that one person and you’re standing here, looking for _somebody else_!” He scoffs in disbelief. “I’d give up my one year supply of cologne for one freaking date with your so called friend.”

Karma sighs. It’s getting annoying, listening to Shane rant about his love life and Liam. She doesn’t want to think about Liam, doesn’t want to remember the way he kissed her, doesn’t want to remember the pain and agony on his face when she pushed him away. But she’s not going to cut Shane off; that would be rude and Karma doesn’t want to rude, especially not to her gay friend’s face.

He’s persistent, though. He reaches out and shakes her arm, demanding to have full honest-to-God answer to why she won’t love Liam back. And his voice is a constant reminder of what she has done, of what she has failed to do, of what she cannot bear to think of. His voice is a constant reminder of the brokenhearted look Liam gave her. His face is a constant reminder of a friendship gone wrong.

When she can’t take it anymore, she stops walking.

“I do love him, okay?” she finally yells when the pressure builds and she explodes like a fucking volcano. She shakes off his grip and whips around, anger and self-loathing basically radiating off her. Shane looks surprised and definitely shocked. Karma is not known to explode and rant and yell things. She’s the softest creature, her heart full of rainbows and unicorns. _Well,_ Karma thinks darkly, _not anymore_. “I do! I love him ever since I was a little girl. And I still do but he wants something more and I can’t give that to him. I can’t because I only think of him as the boy who bandaged my knees when I fell off my bike and as the boy who hugged me when my older brother left. I don’t think of him as a boyfriend. I don’t want to kiss him. I don’t want to have sex with him. I don’t want to ruin this friendship; it means too much to me.” She takes a deep breath, quite aware that some passersby are staring. Shane opens and closes his mouth but no words come out. Karma has a lot more to say so she says them, no matter how wrecked she feels right now. “And besides, I’m in love with someone else. _That’s_ why I can’t love him back.”

She doesn’t wait for Shane’s answer. She turns around swiftly and storms into the café. Shane follows hurriedly, his footsteps stomping against the pavement while Karma tries to regain the breath that she has lost over the little speech. She’s _never_ said that out loud to anybody before. Shane’s the first one to know how deeply her guilt goes through. And what the hell was all that crap about being in love with somebody else? It’s not true, Karma knows but how come the words were right there on the tip of her tongue, ready to be said out loud?

She shakes her head and pretends that she never said anything. Life gets a lot easier when she does that.

But then she spots Amy and she’s suddenly not so sure.

“Hey, Karma!” Naomi says, waving at her enthusiastically.

Amy offers her a tight smile as she weaves through the tables and crowds of people forming a line. She puts down her bag and sits across Naomi, not having the guts to glance over at Amy, who is obviously _not_ looking at her. Maybe the whole topic about butterflies and love scared her off. Shane appears suddenly and he drops into his seat, looking exhausted and mildly guilty. Karma touches his arm to let him know that it’s okay.

“So, what are we doing, guys?” Shane asks, running his hand through his hair.

“Well, I was just doing my homework so there’s not much I can do,” Naomi says and Karma feels a bit irritated when she realizes that she and Amy are sitting _way_ too close to each other. Amy doesn’t look like she minds though, because she’s playing around with her phone, the annoying dying noises of Flappy Bird filling the air.

“I’m going to order some choco,” Shane says, standing up and joining the queue. Karma glances over at Amy, who dutifully pretends not to notice. That stabs an Amy-shaped hole straight into the auburn haired girl’s heart and she hurriedly stumbles over to Shane, so that she won’t be alone with her thoughts.

“Wait up, Shane,” she says, grabbing onto his arm.

They stand in line for a really long time. Karma doesn’t say anything. She’s too busy making sure that the butterflies stay put inside her stomach. She doesn’t need Amy to know just how completely freaked out she is by her own discovery. Too many butterflies.

She sneaks a glance back at Amy, who meets her gaze.

Karma is pretty sure that one butterfly has just escaped between her lips.

 

 


	10. A Beautiful Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She’s still glaring at the butterfly when Amy replies,
> 
> “What do you want me to say?”
> 
> Then there’s footsteps crunching the grass and the sounds are coming towards Karma. She doesn’t move, doesn’t do anything because she’s not stupid enough not to know who it is. She tightens her grip on her phone and her breath catches in her throat as Amy continues,
> 
> “Do you want me to say that Naomi isn’t my girlfriend—?” The footsteps stop and from the corner of her eye, Karma sees a person standing right next to her, shoulders all relaxed and posture slouched. The butterfly flutters its wings, as if sensing company. “Or that Karma Ashcroft isn’t somebody else?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, since some people are concerned for my mental health, I'm planning to update every two days, which is pretty great because I get to think more. I would update faster if it wasn't for school but meh, you can't have everything. Anyway, I really liked this chapter and I hope you like it too!

 

Three days have passed since the butterfly incident and Karma still can’t stop thinking about her roommate. They don’t see each other much anymore, since Karma sleeps so late that by the time she wakes up, Amy’s bed is already made and she’s gone. And Karma is being bombarded with so much homework that she stays at the library until 10, coming home to find Amy asleep with dinner on the table. Sometimes, when she’s alone and eating breakfast and smelling the coffee and fried bacon, she misses Amy so much that her hands shakes and she doesn’t know what to do with herself.

She doesn’t want to admit what’s happening because it’s something she’d rather not think about. Especially now, when the professor is lecturing and she doesn’t have anything else to do except trace Amy’s name all over notebooks. When she realizes what she’s done, she tears the page off but doesn’t throw it away. Instead, she tucks it inside her bag, her heart pounding. She glances around her classmates, thinking that she’s been caught but she realizes that she’s just being paranoid.

She pulls out her book and flips to the page the professor is currently on. She’s thinking that she should just copy notes but then her eyes catches something. She stops, flips back a few pages and carefully picks up a sticky note that has somehow gotten in her book. She feels a smile growing and her shoulders suddenly feel lighter, like all the weight in the world has been lifted.

There’s a message scrawled on it, with Amy’s handwriting and it says:

_Café Shops:_

_Yes?_

_No?_

Karma puts a check mark near the Yes option and tucks it in her pocket, unable to wait for class to end.

.

Amy is waiting for her outside when she leaves the classroom. It’s a shock, seeing her sitting on the bench outside the building, hair carelessly tousled and green eyes bright and beautiful under the glare of the sun. The blonde smiles first, standing up and walking towards her with a lazy gait. Somehow, Karma is struck with déjà vu. She remembers the first moment they saw each other, when she stepped out of the bathroom only to find an incredibly handsome girl standing in the middle of the dorm. _Who knew that things would end up like this_? She thinks to herself, holding her breath until Amy stops right in front of her.

“What’d you say?” Amy asks, smirking. Her green eyes twinkle.

Karma forgets about the last three days, forgets about the pain and jealously in Amy’s eyes whenever Liam’s name was brought up, forgets about Naomi and her growing feelings, forgets about her best friend, who kissed her and who still loves her. There’s only Amy, who is looking at her with the warmest look on her face. And Karma feels the butterflies stirring inside her stomach, rising like it’s the fourth of July and she’s about to say yes when another voice cuts off the moment,

“Hey, guys!”

Karma’s heads snaps to the left and it feels as if the butterflies have withered and died. She takes a step back, refusing to look at Amy, whom she knows is still gazing at her. Naomi and Shane are walking towards the two of them, Naomi smiling brightly and Shane giving Karma a panicked look. He looks as if he’s figured something out, something that Karma is still processing.

“Where are we going?” Naomi asks when she reaches them. Karma ignores the jealously forming inside her chest when she sees the other girl link her arm with Amy’s.

The blonde gives Karma a meaningful look.

“Amy was just thinking of going to the café,” she says pleasantly, even though her throat is tight. She looks at Amy, who is giving her a small and sad look, one that completely tears her apart in the inside. “I was just going to go home. I have a headache.”

Naomi looks at her, eyes full of concern and Karma wrestles with her inner thoughts. What kind of a horrible person ruins her friend’s chance at a happy ending? Naomi has been unfailing in their friendship, always a solid rock whenever Karma needs her. So Karma should be happy for her, she should be supportive. She shouldn’t be having mixed feelings for the one girl Naomi is definitely in love with. It’s the right thing to do; so why is she feeling as if somebody’s slammed a hammer straight into her chest?

“Make sure to drink some pills,” Naomi says, smiling. She reaches out and embraces Karma, running her hands soothingly over her back. Karma’s eyes flicker over to Amy, who looks as if she’s being tortured in the inside.

She hates this, hates it with a burning passion that she possibly can’t express it into words. She wants to spend time with Amy, wants to laugh with her, wants to hold her hand but how can she do that to her friend? How can she do that to Naomi, who looks at Amy as if she’s the center of the universe?

Karma steps back and offers both Shane and Amy a smile. “I’ll see you later,” she says.

But when she turns around, her shoulders slump in defeat and she holds back the tears as she walks away.

.

It’s not a surprise when Liam calls. Actually, Karma feels as if she’s been waiting for him. Her phone rings in her pocket and she fishes it out. His name blinks on the screen and she stares at it, as if it’s something inevitable that’s going to tear apart her life. She’s terrified of what he will say but she’s more terrified of what _she_ will blurt out.

She’s sitting in front of the fountain, where she found Amy the night they discovered the café. She stays on the grass, staying in the exact same spot where Amy was. God, she misses her, misses her so much that her heart feels like exploding just thinking about her. Then she hears Liam’s voice and the feelings intensify.

“Hiya,” he says, sounding pleased. “I thought you would never pick up.”

“I’ve been busy,” she says with a small sigh. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he insists and she hears the smile in his voice. _Oh, Liam_ , she thinks to herself, frowning and tugging at her auburn curls.

She leans back on her arms and stares at the clear blue sky. The school grounds look beautiful, like it’s something from a fairy tale with the water from the fountain sprinkling in the sunlight and the shade of green of the trees. But what she likes the best the most about this place is when butterflies start flying around. She noticed it the first time she passed through here and she still thinks it’s the most beautiful thing ever, with different color and sizes of butterflies just passing through, landing on flower petals and sometimes, on her fingers.

She spots a butterfly when Liam says,

“Look, I just wanted to apologize for what I did the last time we saw each other.” He clears his throat, obviously uncomfortable, “I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry, Karma. I really am. And—”

“Do you think of me as your girlfriend?” Karma cuts in gently, her focus and concentration split in half. She’s still staring at the butterfly, which has shades of green and white spattered across its wings. Faintly, she thinks of Amy’s eyes.

“I—”

“And please tell me the truth.”

There’s a silence. Karma’s heart flutters when the butterfly flies over towards her, choosing her hand as a resting place. She stares at it, careful not to move but then Liam’s voice comes back and he sounds absolutely distraught.

“Yes, I do. I sometimes tell other people that you’re my girlfriend and that you’re studying there. I don’t know why I say that—it just makes the fantasy real, I guess.”

Karma closes her eyes briefly, not feeling shocked but betrayed. She grits her teeth so hard that she’s pretty sure Liam can hear it.

“Don’t ever say that again,” she nearly growls, “Okay?”

“Okay, I promise, Karma.” He pauses. “I won’t say that you’re my girlfriend. I’ll wait for you to say it yourself.”

Karma stops breathing. She can hear the longing and pain racked in Liam’s voice. She can hear the anger and sadness and disappointment laced underneath all the love he feels for her. And she does love him (she really does) but just not the way he loves her.

“Liam, tell me a joke,” she says. This is what they always do when they have nothing else to say. Liam’s a pretty a funny guy, so he can come up with the wittiest jokes that can make Karma laugh until she’s holding onto her stomach. She hopes that part doesn’t change.

“Okay,” Liam says and he thinks for a moment, humming underneath his breath. Karma continues to stare at the butterflies and watches with absolute fascination as its wings flutter. “A guy walks into a bar. He spots a monkey and he says—”

A ringing voice interrupts Liam. Karma flinches but the butterfly doesn’t move. She looks down at her phone, her heart skipping a beat when she realizes that Amy is calling her. There’s a moment where everything is still and Karma just stares at the blonde’s picture, debating if she should answer or just hang up. After all, Amy is with Naomi and Naomi is probably just all over her. She shouldn’t interrupt—well, she isn’t _actually_ interrupting since Amy called her first but—

“I’ll call you back, Liam,” Karma finds herself saying. She answers Amy’s call and her chest collapses on itself when her voice fills her thoughts.

“Hey, where are you?”

Karma bites her lower lip, glancing down at the butterfly. “I’m near the fountain.”

“Bit sentimental, aren’t you?” Amy jokes.

Suddenly, as if its fire rising and rising by the second, Karma feels the anger bubbling inside her stomach and the jealously and sadness mixes in with it. She grits her teeth, the back of her eyes stinging with unshed tears. It’s not fair; she doesn’t know what she thinks of Amy, doesn’t know what it means when they’re together and here she is, sitting alone in the grass while talking to the one person who seems just as important to her as Liam and her mother is. And she feels as if somebody’s cut out her insides with a jagged glass.

“Karma?” Amy sounds worried. “Are you still there?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be with Naomi?” Karma demands, her voice rising, “Why’d you leave your girlfriend, huh? Why did you call somebody else?” Her throat feels tight and she sucks in a deep breath, holding back everything while still trying to show Amy _something_.

She’s angry at herself for being so angry at Amy. It’s not her fault that Naomi is incredibly smitten with her, not her fault that Amy can be charming and generous to everybody who passes by but it still leaves a bitter taste in Karma’s mouth when she thinks about it.

She lets out a sigh and glares at the green butterfly. Her entire body seems itchy and tense as she waits for Amy’s reply. _Damn it_ , she thinks darkly as images of Naomi and Amy laughing together and smiling makes her stomach clench. She knows that she’s jealous but she doesn’t know the reason _why_. Is it because Amy’s her closest friend and she’s hanging out with someone else? Or is it because of something else entirely?

She’s still glaring at the butterfly when Amy replies,

“What do you want me to say?”

Then there’s footsteps crunching the grass and the sounds are coming towards Karma. She doesn’t move, doesn’t do anything because she’s not stupid enough not to know who it is. She tightens her grip on her phone and her breath catches in her throat as Amy continues,

“Do you want me to say that Naomi isn’t my girlfriend—?” The footsteps stop and from the corner of her eye, Karma sees a person standing right next to her, shoulders all relaxed and posture slouched. The butterfly flutters its wings, as if sensing company. “Or that Karma Ashcroft isn’t somebody else?”

The butterfly spreads its wings and flies over towards Amy. The blonde stretches out her index finger and watches the insect land on it. When she laughs, Karma dies a little bit inside.

The silence envelops them both and Karma holds her breath. She can smell Amy, all boyish perfume and coffee. She can see her lean frame standing next to her, wearing the same ridiculous clothes she wore this morning when they saw each other. And Karma is so stunned to see her, so shocked at the realization that Amy ditched Naomi just to here that she can’t speak. She faintly feels the guilt but it’s overruled with the sense of being completely happy and content. She wanted Amy and now she’s here.

They don’t put down their phones but Amy shakes the butterfly away and sits down next to Karma. The auburn-haired girl watches the insect fly off into the sunset as Amy rearranges herself, placing her bag as a barrier between them both. Then it’s peaceful silence again. Karma can hear the blonde’s steady breathing on the mobile and a small (incredibly small) part of her wonders how Liam and Naomi are doing.

But all thoughts of her two friends go out the window when Amy reaches down and holds Karma’s hand, intertwining their fingers together. Karma feels as if she’s both falling into an abyss and soaring into the clouds. It’s _that_ confusing and her heart fastens in its tempo when she hears Amy take a deep breath that rattles her chest. She looks just as confused as she does. And Karma finally allows herself to look her straight in the eye.

What she doesn’t count is that _falling in love_ feeling. It’s not the same in movies, where a guy and a girl just meet eye and to eye and BAM! They’re in love. No, with Amy, it’s just—ugh, Karma can’t explain it properly—but it’s like looking into someone’s eyes and just finding all that familiarity and love reciprocated there. It’s like looking into someone’s soul and getting to see every mistake, every regret and every little thing but still thinking that it’s a beautiful soul, no matter the scars and the bruises and the flaws.

Karma doesn’t know what they’re doing, doesn’t know what Amy is planning exactly but she does know some things.

She knows that she’s in love with Amy.  

 


	11. Me Too, Buttface

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The silence is deafening and Karma closes her eyes, trying to fall into sleep but something’s missing, something so important that she’s going to lose sleep over it.
> 
> Then she remembers and she leans over towards Amy, pressing a soft and chaste kiss against her roommate’s cheek. Amy stirs but doesn’t wake and Karma releases the breath she’s been holding in.
> 
> “I’m in love with you, buttface,” she says, her voice soft.
> 
> And when Karma twists around to the side, Amy mumbles a reply, a reply that can’t be heard by Karma anymore,
> 
> “Me too, buttface.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that took three days, I think. I'm sorry. I've been really busy because I had to attend a lot of birthday parties, which was totally awesome because friends are awesome. Anyway, I hope it's not too fast or anything. I hope that I got Karma's insecurities right. And most of all, I hope that you enjoy reading this!

 

“So, did you really ditched Naomi?”

Amy frowns. They’re lying on their backs against the floor, staring at the blank ceiling and occasionally brushing their hands together.  It’s already nighttime and Karma can see the stars outside the glass windows, illuminating the dark sky. She’s thinking of Naomi and how her friend must be feeling—confused? Angry? Betrayed? The guilt eats her up inside but it’s a small feeling compared to being content and happy. At last. She can have Amy all to herself, can laugh with her, talk with her, and can just be right next to her. She knows that it’s completely wrong and selfish but she’s been craving for the blonde’s company for days now.

Especially during this moment, when she’s finally figured out that she’s in love with her.

Nothing seems to have changed though, since Amy still looks at her the same way, still talks to her as if nothing is wrong, even when their friendship was tested when Liam came around. The only different thing between them both is the way Karma feels about her. She can’t explain it because she’s never been truly in love before. Sure, she’s had her fair share of crushes and she loves Liam but it’s not the same with Amy. Amy is…special. Completely and incredibly different. Being with her, looking at her, holding her hand—it’s not like with her other friends, it’s not like with Liam—Amy can somehow make her both happy and sad at the same time, without even trying. She can just smile her adorable and lazy smile and Karma’s a goner. She can just brush their fingers together and Karma falls in love a bit more. She can just talk about the most stupid and trivial things and Karma’s going to need a trashcan to puke out all the butterflies from her stomach.

Amy looks over towards her when the silence becomes unbearable.

“I wouldn’t say _ditched_ ,” the other girl says, obviously lessening the blow, “I just told her that I needed to go find someone and that I needed to say…” She trails off, her green eyes flickering towards Karma who is looking at her with the softest expression on her face.

“Say what?” Karma asks, smiling slightly.

Amy opens her mouth to answer but closes it. She cracks a grin then reaches out and tucks a strand of Karma’s hair behind her ear. The auburn-haired girl inhales sharply. Amy’s fingers are warm against her skin and it makes the pounding in her heart louder.

“I was going to say—” Amy begins but she’s interrupted when there’s a knock on the door.

Karma immediately rolls over, instinct kicking in. She crawls on top of Amy, bringing her right hand over the blonde’s mouth so that they won’t make any noise by accident. Amy’s green eyes widen as Karma’s auburn hair falls around their heads, forming a curtain around them both. Karma is quite aware that Amy’s chest is rising and falling unsteadily but she says nothing, choosing to bite her lower lip instead. She doesn’t know what she’s doing but she doesn’t regret it one bit. Their bodies are so close that she can feel the warmth of the other girl’s skin against her own. Her head swims and she’s breathing heavily. The knocking comes again but neither of them move, too absorbed in each other’s close proximity. Karma made the mistake of opening the door once and she’s not going to do that again.

After what feels like three hours but is really just three minutes, the knocking stops and Karma faintly hears footsteps fading away. Still, she doesn’t move. She stares into Amy’s green eyes, being lost in their beauty. God, how come she never felt this way before? Being in love with Amy Raudenfeld—it’s so exhilarating, so amazing, so exciting. And whenever Karma thinks about the way she treated Amy before, she always flinches. And look at them now. Being so close to each other that she’s pretty sure her skin will catch fire soon enough.

Finally, Amy clears her throat and says, with a voice that definitely shakes,

“Erm, Karma? Can you like, get off me?”

Karma pulls back, surprised and a bit embarrassed with her actions. Amy is still looking at her carefully as they both sit up. There’s a tense silence and Karma feels as if she’s suffocating. She fixes her hair, even though there’s nothing wrong with it and Amy once again clears her throat.

Karma says, “Do you want to watch a movie?” the same time Amy says, “Do you want something to eat?”

They both give each other startled looks and then Karma bursts out laughing. Amy joins in a second later and then they’re rolling around the floor, holding their stomachs and deliriously cackling. Karma’s throat is hurting by the time they manage to control themselves and still, she can’t stop giggling. Amy’s cheeks are bright red when she twists her body around to look at Karma. Her blonde hair is tangled and she’s wearing a loose sweater that shows off her the nape of her neck and collarbone. She’s also wearing sweatpants with Patrick Star as a design. She’s not exactly looking like a model at this moment but Karma’s breath catches in her throat nonetheless. God, she just looks so beautiful.

Amy notices the staring and her smile slips. “What?” she says, looking baffled, “Do I have something in my teeth?”

Karma swears she could kiss her right now but before she can do something that will drastically change her life, her phone rings. Amy drops her gaze to the mobile, which is sitting right between them. Karma’s heart sinks when she sees the name. _Liam_.

In a flash, Amy goes cold. She picks up the phone, since Karma is completely frozen and hands it over. Karma wants to say something, tell her that there’s nothing between them but Amy just smiles, shrugs and says,

“Your boyfriend’s calling.”

Karma closes her fist around the mobile, feeling her throat constrict. The words are stuck in her esophagus and she feels as if she’s slowly choking. Amy pushes herself up to her feet, staggers slightly and heads to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her, not even looking back once. Karma winces and when she finally finds her voice, she says, “He’s not my boyfriend” to herself.

She doesn’t answer Liam. There’s nothing left to say, after all.

.

“Amy ditched Naomi, you know,” Shane tells her as they head for the cafeteria.

Karma’s head snaps towards him when she hears her roommate’s name. It’s getting out of hand, to be honest and she can no longer control the raging emotions inside her stomach. Whenever somebody says ‘Amy’ she’s like a dog who just caught sight of a squirrel. It gets so bad that once, when her professor called onto a student named Amy, Karma was nearly halfway out of her seat, wondering if Amy decided to sneak into class. The professor got annoyed and asked her to sit down, which Karma didn’t because she dashed out of the door, deciding to look for the blonde instead of listening to some stupid lecture.

And now it’s happening all over again, except this time Shane gives her this knowing look.

“Yeah, I heard,” Karma says, thinking that she should play safe and play dumb.

“So? Where do you think your roommate went?” Shane presses and he doesn’t even care that they’re already passed the cafeteria. When Karma points this out, he shrugs and says something between the lines of not being hungry and needing to go somewhere.

Somehow, Karma’s appetite drops because she goes along with him. The silence isn’t actually tense but she knows that Shane is hiding something from her, something _juicy_ , which irks Karma because she likes gossip and all but she hates it when Shane prolongs the inevitable.

“Do you want to say something or do I have to hear it from someone else?” Karma says, annoyed by the other boy’s indifference. He smiles and shakes his head, placing his hand on the crook of her elbow, the way Amy did when Karma massaged her forehead. The memory makes all her internal organs go mush.

“Well, I’m sort of _curious_ ,” Shane stretches the word, “since Naomi told me that she went around to your dorm last night. She knocked twice but nobody answered, even when she was pretty sure that she heard Amy inside.” He quirks his eyebrows, waiting for Karma’s reaction.

Karma keeps her face straight, refusing to fall into Shane’s obvious trap. “I was with Liam,” she says.

“Really?” Shane gives her an odd look, “Because I thought you said you had a headache.”

“Yeah, but Liam came around and we watched a movie.”

“Which movie was this?”

“A horror one.” She feels as if she’s being interrogated, which is a completely foreign feeling. Her entire body feels hot and her cheeks burn under Shane’s intense glare. “And God—stop staring at me like that!”

“Karma,” Shane’s voice takes a dangerous tone, “Just tell the truth for once, okay? Just because you lie to yourself all the time doesn’t mean you have to lie to me.”

The fear and anger takes control of her and Karma’s chest is twisted with pain. She thinks of her mother’s beliefs, of Liam’s disgust and of Amy’s bright smile. She wants to tell Shane—but God, she wants to be with Amy more, as openly as somebody can be with someone else, wants to be able to love her without being judged, wants to be able to kiss her without feeling scared and guilty. But how can she do that? When she can barely tell the blonde her real feelings?

“I’m not lying,” she says, her voice steely.

Shane throws his hands up into the air, looking equally frustrated and disappointed.

“There you go again!” he says furiously, “Karma, why can’t you just say it out loud?”

“Say what, exactly?” Karma yells back.

Shane is about to shout but he stops himself, glances around and takes a deep breath. His tone grows hard when he says the next words, the next words that shakes her and completely throws her off guard.

“Why can’t you just admit that you’re in love with Amy?”

Half a heartbeat passes and then Karma says, with a blank expression,

“I’m not in love with Amy.”

To her surprise, Shane actually laughs. He looks at Karma with part disgust and part pain. He scowls, rubs the back of his neck and says, “Do you really think I’m that of an idiot?”

“I never said that,” Karma immediately interjects.

“I know! I know!” Shane waves his hand impatiently, “but believe me, Karma, I’m more observant than you think. I’ve been watching you alongside Naomi and Amy. And I see the way Naomi looks at Amy. I see the way Amy looks at _you_. And most of all, I see the way you look at _her_. Anyway, my gay radar has been tingling like crazy for the past few months. I mean, _come on_ , I’ve got three lesbians under my roof and its messy and complicated. Naomi’s your friend and she’s in love with Amy. Amy is someone whom your mother will, of course, disapprove of but you’re in love with her. And worst, you’re still scared to tell her how you feel. Admit it, you can’t say anything because of Naomi and your mother. That’s the reason why you’re holding back.” He pauses, inhales sharply and slaps his forehead, muttering, “God, I forgot to put Liam in the equation but who fucking cares about him right?”

Karma feels as if Shane just stabbed her right in the chest. She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath and tries to forget about what he said but it’s impossible. Her head is spinning, analyzing every word he’s thrown at her. He’s not wrong but he’s not exactly right. Sure, she’s scared of Naomi’s reaction and her mother’s disapproval and of course, her already strained friendship with Liam but the one thing she’s scared of the most is Amy herself. Karma can’t even look at her without thinking about all of the horrible things she’s said. It’s not easy to pretend as if nothing went wrong because in reality, everything _did_ go wrong. She’s scared that Amy might hate her, scared that if she confesses her feelings, Amy will reject her and it’s such a trivial thing, a cliché insecurity that everyone goes through that it makes her laugh out loud.

Shane looks at her dubiously. “God, you’re really screwed, aren’t you?”

Between bursts of giggles and laughter, Karma says, “You have no idea.”

.

Amy is lying on the bed and plucking the strings of her guitar when Karma walks in.

“Hey,” the blonde says, glancing over towards her. Her lips part. “Where’ve you been?”

“I was with Shane,” Karma says, shutting the door behind her and sitting near Amy’s feet. She smiles and gently pushes her to the side. “Move over, buttface.”

Amy obliges, her lips curling into a grin. It’s already a normal routine for both of them. After a long and hard day is over, they usually sit on the bed and watch movies. Tonight’s movie is Mean Girls, which is an all-time favorite between them both. To be honest, this is the second time they’ve rewatched it in two weeks.

“Do you have some food?” Karma mumbles, glancing over to make sure that the door is locked and snuggling closer to Amy, lacing their arms together. The blonde mumbles a “Yeah” and sighs contentedly. Karma can feel Amy smiling against the crown of her head and everything seems fine, everything seems perfect. In fact, Karma can close her eyes and pretend like they’re girlfriends. It’s hard not to because Amy has put down her guitar and is currently running her fingers through Karma’s hair and she’s humming a song under her breath.

The movie starts, with Cady Heron’s introduction in the background. Karma claps her hands and the lights go off. It’s a great installation to their room and Karma’s glad that she listened to Amy. Completely submerged in the dark, Karma searches through the blankets for Amy’s hand and intertwines their fingers together. She’s never had a hand to hold onto, maybe except for Liam’s, (but that part of her story is over and Amy’s a new chapter, after all) and needless to say, she likes it.

After the movie ends and all their usual jokes have their lost wit, Karma reaches out to play another one (she’s thinking 10 Things I Hate About You) but when she moves, Amy’s head drops to the side and she starts to snore. Karma bursts out in soft giggles and she shuts the laptop instead, standing up and carefully putting all of their leftovers away. When everything is clean and nice to look at, she crawls back into their adjoined beds and throws a blanket over Amy.

As she’s tucking the blonde in, she stares long and hard at her. _God, she’s beautiful_ , she thinks helplessly, admiring the golden curls and the softness of her face. Then she turns on Amy’s nightlight, because it’s what the other girl does, and ducks under the blanket. The silence is deafening and Karma closes her eyes, trying to fall into sleep but something’s missing, something so important that she’s going to lose sleep over it.

Then she remembers and she leans over towards Amy, pressing a soft and chaste kiss against her roommate’s cheek. Amy stirs but doesn’t wake and Karma releases the breath she’s been holding in.

“I’m in love with you, buttface,” she says, her voice soft.

And when Karma twists around to the side, Amy mumbles a reply, a reply that can’t be heard by Karma anymore,

“Me too, buttface.”

 


	12. Taste So Sweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Care to share?” Amy asks and Karma’s heart stops beating because yes, that’s the surest way to flirt with someone—tone full of confidence and eyes full of hidden mischief. Amy’s grinning but Karma can see the uneasiness underneath all of the mischievous intentions.
> 
> But two can play at that game.
> 
> “It’s not something people share,” she says pretentiously.
> 
> “Really?” Amy laces their fingers together, still smiling that smile that Karma is pretty sure, is sweeter than the lollipop itself. “Because we share a lot of things at the moment. We share our beds, we share our food and I’m pretty sure that you take my clothes when you have nothing to wear as well.” She pauses, glancing over at Karma. “A lollipop won’t hurt much.”
> 
> Karma stares at her for a while then slowly takes the lollipop out, holding it in Amy’s direction.
> 
> “Okay, then,” she says playfully, “If you dare.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmm...I really liked this chapter. I wrote it in school when I had nothing else to do. Anyway, since this fic is based off on a movie, I decided to add some scenes that weren't really there because even though the movie was totally great and fluffy, it still lacked more (or maybe I'm just needy) Hope you enjoy!

“Hey, Karma.” Somebody shakes her arm and Karma squeezes her eyes shut, trying to fend off the rising urge to throw a pillow. She doesn’t want to wake up, doesn’t want to come back to consciousness and realize that she’s back in a state of hiding her feelings, suppressing them until she’s sure that they won’t be detected.

“Karma Ashcroft.” The shaking continues and Karma lets out a low moan. She feels something twitch and then there’s silence, which she gladly drinks in because she’s having a good euphoric feeling of being at peace. Nobody should be able to ruin this one moment for her, where there’s no drama concerning Naomi and Liam, where there’s only the smell of Amy stuck in her nostrils, where the hand against her arm is most probably Amy’s—

Karma opens her eyes and jerks up, nearly falling over the bed. She realizes, with muted horror that she has been sleeping against Amy, her arms thrown protectively against the other girl’s waist and her legs tangled with Amy’s legs. It’s such a lover’s position, where they’re intertwined with each other and she feels as if she’s burning inside, the heat increasing in warmth when she sees Amy, with her blonde hair tousled and her green eyes sleepy, smiling at her.

“Finally,” the blonde croaks out, carefully placing Karma’s arms away and slowly slipping off the from the other girl’s grasp, “I felt like I was inside a cage or something.”

“Har-har,” Karma says, even though the comment stings a bit. She sits up, tucking her auburn hair behind her ears and refusing to make eye contact. She can feel Amy staring though and it makes her skin crawl. “Sorry about that. I move a lot.”

“It’s okay,” Amy mumbles, sitting up and resting her head against the board. She closes her eyes but her lips are still curled into a smile, as if she’s reliving a happy memory and Karma stares at her, her gaze never faltering as she takes in her roommate’s beauty.

“I can feel you staring,” Amy says out loud, without missing a beat or opening her eyes. Karma flushes but she doesn’t look away.

“Yeah, well you look like you’re meditating.”

“Maybe I am.”

Karma scoffs. “Dork.”

Amy’s smile widen and when she opens her eyes, Karma drops her gaze.

“Do you have any plans?” Amy asks politely.

Karma thinks about it, twisting her a strand of her hair around her index finger. “No, why?”

Amy gives her this look, this look which promptly cuts off all the air in Karma’s lungs and makes her feel as if she’s falling down a cliff, the wind slapping at her face and the water coming in to embrace her as she falls. The feeling doesn’t fade, even when Amy looks down at her hands and say,

“Do you want to go somewhere with me?”

“Where, exactly?” Karma says and heart is racing because this suspiciously sounds like a date.

“Nowhere special,” Amy says carefully, smiling that smile that makes Karma fall a bit more. She slides from the bed, stretching her arms and heading over to her closet. “I’m going to take a shower first.”

Karma resists the urge to say, ‘Can I join?’ because it’s stupid and absurd and Karma wants it so badly that she’s appalled by herself.

Instead, she says, “What am I supposed to do now?”

“Get dressed!”

When the bathroom door slams and Karma hears the silence envelop her, she grins down at her hands and hurries to get her clothes.

.

“I can’t believe you dragged me all the way here so that you can sit down and find some fucking inspiration in the trees,” Karma says, annoyed when she sees Amy smiling.

“What were you expecting?” the blonde questions, looking up from her book. They’re sitting in the middle of the courtyard, their backs leaning against a wooden bench. Karma is fanning herself while Amy looks around, reads her book and scribbles on her notebook.

Karma doesn’t know what she expected but it’s definitely not this. Sure, the university is beautiful and all, with nature surrounding them from all sides. The green of the trees remind her of the green in Amy’s eyes. The calmness of the water in the fountain reminds her of the calmness Amy radiates. Everything reminds Karma of Amy nowadays, even though the said blonde is sitting right next to her.

Still, she dislikes it here because it’s so _open_. She can see students walking around and eyeing them, obviously thinking what she fears they are thinking. She feels uncomfortable, as if she’s the center of attention but she chastises herself for being so insecure when she and Amy are just _friends_ —the word leaves a dryness in her mouth when she thinks about it.

“I don’t know,” Karma says, since her roommate is still looking at her, “but I was sort of hoping that you might’ve at least brought some food with you.”

Amy chews the top of her pen, her face breaking out into a grin. Karma’s breath catches in her throat and her heart skips about two beats. _God_ , she thinks helplessly _, she’s gorgeous_.

“Don’t worry,” Amy says, dropping her gaze back to her notebook, “I did bring some. Why? Are you hungry?”

“Yeah,” Karma answers shyly.

Amy smiles again. She digs around her bag and looks for her said food. Karma isn’t really _that_ hungry but she’s sort of touched that Amy has the decency to bring something for her. She fidgets in her seat, looking away when she spots Naomi passing by with a hard look on her face, not giving the slightest hint that they know each other.

_Oh, Naomi_ , she thinks to herself, the guilt crushing her, _I’m sorry_.

But Amy doesn’t notice because she pulls out two carefully wrapped sandwiches from her bag, smiling triumphantly.

“Here,” she says.

Karma meekly accepts it and she shivers when their fingers brush. Amy’s smile widens and Karma’s cheeks turn red when she realizes that the other girl is blushing.

They eat in silence, Karma focusing on her nails rather than the little noises Amy makes when she chews and swallows. The blonde seems to be torturing Karma because the moans make something in her stomach twist and turn. She feels small and insecure and she thinks about Naomi and the way the other girl always seems to be happy when Amy is returned. _I’ve taken that away from her_ , she thinks sadly, picking at her food and sighing. But another part of her is thinking about Amy, thinking about the way she smells; boyish perfume and scrambled eggs (when Karma pulls apart her sandwich, she sees that it’s egg) and thinking about how much Karma just really wants to hold her hand. But the eyes on her back stop her. She hates public places; there’s always a level of danger in them.

“Are you finished?” Amy asks, frowning.

Karma has only taken three bites before her appetite left. She swallows the lump in her throat and says, with a scratchy tone,

“Do you have anything sweet?”

Amy’s frown deepens when Karma makes a show of looking down at her lips. It’s her desperate attempt in flirting and she’s obviously failing miserably. The words just popped out of her mouth and now that they’re out in the open, she waits for the bomb to explode.

“Let me see,” Amy says, turning back to her bag.

Boom. Her attempt failed and crashed into the sea. Karma sighs and slouches against the bench, hiding her face in embarrassment and shame. So much for her flirting skills. She tries not to show her disappointment when Amy looks up with a lollipop between her fingers.

“I came prepared,” Amy says, smirking.

“Thanks,” Karma mumbles, sounding forlorn.

Something flickers in Amy’s eyes as Karma pulls the wrapping aside and pops the candy into her mouth. She can feel Amy eyeing her carefully but she’s too ashamed and disappointment to care much. Sure, the lollipop taste delicious but the sudden urge to kiss Amy doesn’t compare much to the taste. She gives back the sandwich that she’s barely eaten, expecting Amy to accept but then the blonde grabs her hand and gives her a look.

“What?” Karma says, rolling her tongue around the lollipop and trying not to focus on the warmth of Amy’s fingers on her skin.

“Care to share?” Amy asks and Karma’s heart stops beating because _yes_ , that’s the surest way to flirt with someone—tone full of confidence and eyes full of hidden mischief. Amy’s grinning but Karma can see the uneasiness underneath all of the mischievous intentions.

But two can play at that game.

“It’s not something people share,” she says pretentiously.

“Really?” Amy laces their fingers together, still smiling that smile that Karma is pretty sure, is sweeter than the lollipop itself. “Because we share a lot of things at the moment. We share our beds, we share our food and I’m pretty sure that you take my clothes when you have nothing to wear as well.” She pauses, glancing over at Karma. “A lollipop won’t hurt much.”

Karma stares at her for a while then slowly takes the lollipop out, holding it in Amy’s direction.

“Okay, then,” she says playfully, “If you dare.”

Amy just gives her a smug look and then without hesitation, takes the candy whilst using her mouth and none of her hands. She leans back against the bench, smiling as Karma’s mouth drops open.

“I dare,” the blonde says, sounding entirely pleased with herself.

Karma doesn’t say anything. Instead, she openly stares and she surprises herself when she licks her own lips. Her heart is throbbing inside her chest and the complete shock of what has just happened is still slowly sinking in.

“You know,” Amy continues, as if she hasn’t caused Karma a heart attack, “This is my second favorite place to go to.”

“Second?” Karma repeats dumbly, her mind slow in the process.

“Yeah,” Amy responds happily, “This place is wonderful and beautiful, with the awesome colors of the trees and the gushing waters and the passing butterflies. I’m thinking that even Stephen King would like to visit this place. But to be honest, it’s my second favorite place because this is where you once found me and this is where I found _you_. And…this is the place where I grabbed you before you fell, where I was holding your arms in front of all the stars to see.” She glances over at Karma shyly, as if she realizes that she’s said too much out loud.

_This is where you nearly kissed me_ , Karma thinks, remembering the way Amy didn’t let go of her arms when she was about to fall. The memory sends a tingle down her spine but she keeps her mouth shut.

“But do you want to know my absolute favorite place?” Amy asks, giving her a look.

Karma just nods.

“Our dorm,” Amy answers, after a short pause. Her cheeks go slightly pink and Karma’s heart stops.

_God, I love you_ , she thinks to herself, surprised by how easy it is to say those words in her head. She could say it out loud, though, say it right now with only Amy listening in, just shove it out into the open space between them and wait for the inevitable. She wants to tell Amy about everything, about all these confusing feelings that’s been bugging her for the past few weeks.

But she holds back, not saying anything.

Amy returns to her notes.

Karma looks around and watches their surroundings. It is beautiful, so beautiful that it takes her breath away. She’s watching the water of the fountain when all of a sudden, there are swarms of butterflies passing through, butterflies of different colors coming and feeding on the flowers and making the entire place seem dazzling than before.

Karma spots _her_ butterfly the same time Amy looks up and holds her breath. The butterfly with the colors green and white spattered across its wings. She’s pretty sure it’s the same one because it flutters near her head and comes to rest against her fingers, the ones still intertwined with Amy’s.

“A lot of butterflies around here,” Karma murmurs, smiling down at the butterfly.

Amy squeezes her hand and the insect’s antenna twitches.

“Maybe they just escaped,” she says calmly.

“Huh?” Karma looks around, expecting to see scientists in suits walking around with mega huge nets. “When?”

“When I opened my mouth just now,” Amy answers and Karma _definitely_ hears a slight tremor in her tone.

Karma feels as if Cupid has just shot an arrow through her chest. She turns to Amy, her eyes wide and mouth slightly open. Amy smirks, apparently satisfied with the reaction she’s getting. Faintly, Karma remembers their conversation about butterflies residing in the stomach when somebody falls in love. And there’s no way that Amy just said those words. Because why would anybody fall for Karma Ashcroft?

“Huh?” Karma says again, in case she misheard or misinterpreted the words.

“There have been butterflies in my stomach for a long time, Karma,” Amy says, sounding completely honest and sincere. She smiles but it’s a smile tinged with fear and worry, fear and worry over the possibility that she might get rejected as well.

Karma’s mouth is still wide open and Amy lets go of her hand, standing up and holding her lollipop. The blonde gives Karma another smile and walks away, presumably off the find her so called inspiration while Karma tries to shut her mouth.

The green butterfly doesn’t leave. 


	13. Not That Stupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karma stares. “You’re such a gentleman, you know,” she mumbles, “I wonder why you don’t have a girlfriend sometimes.”
> 
> Amy shrugs, turning back to the café. “I guess I’m waiting for The One,” she answers mildly, soothing down her blonde curls. She’s still holding Karma’s hand, as if letting go is hardly something on her mind.
> 
> “Maybe you’ve already found her,” Karma finds herself saying, squeezing Amy’s fingers and trying not to look desperate. They start walking again, “but you just let her get away.”
> 
> The blonde smirks down at her sneakers, twisting around just to get a look at Karma.
> 
> “Don’t worry,” she says, her tone full of confidence. She winks. “I’m not that stupid to let her go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, you might as well expect some drama to come! The next chapter is probably the one chapter that I've been really anxious to write because it's my favorite scene in the movie and I really really want it to be perfect. But anyway, I hope this chapter was up to your standards! Hopefully, you'll stick around. Thanks!

Karma opens her eyes, her heart throbbing in her chest. There’s a brightness against her vision, a brightness that makes her groan into the pillow, a brightness that she’s pretty sure it Amy’s nightlight directed at her. Her hands grope for the blanket which seems to have vanished in the middle of the night but she finds nothing, her fingers only reaching for empty air. She sighs and raises her head, squinting against the nightlight and trying to find her covers. The fact that she’s only wearing shorts and a tank top makes the air seem chillier and her fingers start shaking when she rolls over to the side and sees Amy.

Her breath catches in her throat. _Oh, God_ , she thinks. Amy’s right next to her, face all open and soft, her eyebrows drawing a line together and her lips parting slightly. She’s lying on her side and facing Karma. The mystery of the blanket disappears when Karma sees that Amy is practically tangled with it.

“Really, Blondie?” she murmurs, trying to pull it out but failing.

Amy stirs but doesn’t budge. Karma sighs exasperatedly and lets her hand drop, wondering how on earth she’s going to sleep now, if she’s just going to freeze to death.

So, instead of shaking the blonde awake, Karma just stares at her, sighing in content at the peace and quiet that has settled over them both.

Then Amy’s eyes suddenly flutter open and she groans when she realizes that once again, Karma is staring.

“You’re sleeping on my blanket,” Karma says, by way of explanation.

“Sorry,” Amy mumbles but she still doesn’t move. Her green eyes are studying her carefully.

Karma scoffs. “Can I have it back?”

“We can just share,” Amy mumbles.

In half a heartbeat, Karma’s mouth feels like the Sahara Desert. “You’re not serious,” she says meekly.

Amy doesn’t answer. Instead, she fidgets a little and throws the other half of her blanket over Karma. The blonde mumbles something but Karma is too focused on the beating of her heart to hear much. Against her better judgment, she snuggles a bit closer, inhaling Amy’s sweet boyish perfume and slipping her freezing fingers under Amy’s shirt, relishing the warmth that comes in contact with the skin. Her roommate sucks in a deep breath but she relaxes once they’re comfortable with each other. And there’s silence. Karma smiles to herself when she feels Amy lean forward and placing her chin against the crown of the auburn-haired girl’s head. Then it’s just skin on skin, warmth against warmth, Karma and Amy and later, when the sun peeks out of the horizon, Karma finds herself waking up in Amy’s arms.

.

“I’m not really keen to see Lauren again,” Amy says.

Karma rolls her eyes. “She’s your sister.”

“ _Step_ -sister,” the blonde corrects pompously and Karma laughs.

They’re walking towards the café, Karma’s arm linked through Amy’s and Amy swinging her hand around, gesturing wildly as she talks about the humiliating things Lauren as gone back in high school. “She outed me to my own conservative mother, the one she used to hate when she invaded my home!” Amy is saying, sounding completely pained, “and my mother freaked out. Like, really freaked out. I think she nearly called a priest on me so I stayed with my friend Jasmine for about three weeks before I went home. Everything calmed down but we were never the same, I guess. I don’t know if Lauren regretted it but she was a tad bit nicer from then on.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” Karma says, since it’s the first thing that comes to mind.

Amy gives her a fond look. “ _You_?” she says jokingly. “My homophobic roommate who called me ‘dyke’ and ‘lesbian’ for two weeks before she got nicer? I’m not trying to offend you but you might’ve been a lot worse.”

“Hey!” Karma says, sounding hurt, “I’m sorry! I didn’t know you back then.”

“It’s okay.” Amy laughs. “God, Karma, its okay.”

Karma huffs in annoyance. She reaches out and messes up Amy’s blonde curls because it’s something that Amy gets annoyed of, since she has to fix her hair all over again. Needless to say, old habits die hard because the other girl sighs exasperatedly.

“I don’t get your mom though,” Karma says, thinking of her own mother, who has herbal teas in every drawer of the kitchen and who studies constellations before going to sleep. “I mean, you’re pretty cool. I’d be proud of you and she seriously doesn’t what she’s thinking when she freaked out. You are amazing, Amy.”

Amy blushes and she stops to give Karma a look of endearing praise.

“Thanks,” she says, “You’re amazing too.”

“Right,” Karma says skeptically, shaking her head, “What makes me so amazing?”

Her heart nearly stops beating when Amy reaches down and laces their fingers together. Sometimes, physical contact speaks volumes for them and with the way Amy is looking at her, soft bright eyes and parted lips—it just intensifies the longing in Karma’s veins.

“The thing that makes you so amazing is that you’re beautiful—”

“That’s shallow,” Karma cuts in, even though it feels as if there’s a volcano inside her chest, a rising mountain full of heat and warmth. She tries to stop the smile that breaks out on her face but it’s impossible since she’s overwhelmed with a giddiness that’s hard to control.

“Shut up; let me finish,” the blonde says, rolling her eyes.

“Okay, okay,” Karma agrees, squeezing Amy’s hand.

“You’re amazing because there’s just something about you—something that I can’t really shake off. There’s a beauty in you—a beauty that’s so vibrant and energetic and cheerful. You’re just this bright spot in my college life that I’m pretty sure that if you ever leave me alone, I’ll be a complete antisocial and desperate maniac who’ll think about you even when you’re not there.” Amy pauses, looking anguished, as if she’s realized that she’s said too much. Karma frowns, because who knew that someone could actually say these things about her?

“But I’m so fucking ordinary,” she says, because her self-esteem has only gone up an inch.

The blonde turns towards her sharply. “You are not,” she says, with a tone of indignation. “You are beautiful and wonderful and magical. You are unique and creative and so amazing. If anybody ever tells you that you’re ordinary or plain, I will kill that person.”

Karma lets out a laugh that she can’t control, feeling as if the weight of the world has been lifted from her shoulders. God, she wants to kiss Amy right now, kiss her and put all the stupid mutual understanding away because she loves her—God, she knows that it’s too early but she loves her. Instead, she tugs on Amy’s hand and tucks a strand of auburn curls behind her ear, blushing furiously.

“Nobody’s ever said that to me before,” she says, her voice small.

“I find that hard to believe,” Amy says, smiling.

Karma stares. “You’re such a gentleman, you know,” she mumbles, “I wonder why you don’t have a girlfriend sometimes.”

Amy shrugs, turning back to the café. “I guess I’m waiting for The One,” she answers mildly, soothing down her blonde curls. She’s still holding Karma’s hand, as if letting go is hardly something on her mind.

“Maybe you’ve already found her,” Karma finds herself saying, squeezing Amy’s fingers and trying not to look desperate. They start walking again, “but you just let her get away.”

The blonde smirks down at her sneakers, twisting around just to get a look at Karma.

“Don’t worry,” she says, her tone full of confidence. She winks. “I’m not that stupid to let her go.”

When Amy turns away again, Karma smiles down at their intertwined hands. The butterflies multiply and she’s pretty sure that she’s skipping into Amy Land.

.

“And the lesbians are back,” Lauren says when she passes by their table.

Amy rolls her eyes at the table. “Suck my dick, Lauren,” she snaps, earning a laugh from Karma.

Lauren scowls, looking disgusted as she stalks off, bringing along their orders. Karma reaches under the table and holds Amy’s hand, because it’s what they usually do when they’re back here, doing nothing but talk and eat. It’s like a safe haven, a safe haven that Karma will gladly choose over and over again.

They start talking about homework and the movie they watched the last night. As Amy’s mouth move, Karma stares, finding the humor in the way Amy talks and gestures. She just has the most adorable expressions ever, especially when she’s surprised, since her eyes bulge out of their sockets and when she’s angry—there’s always a crease between her eyebrows. It’s these little things that makes Karma fall a bit more.

“I just can’t believe they ended up—” she cuts off suddenly, smiling at Karma. “You’re staring.”

“Shut up, it’s a habit,” Karma says, “Besides, it’s not my fault you make the weirdest faces ever.”

“Hey! You said that you wouldn’t mention that anymore!” Amy crinkles her nose, a sign that she’s both amused and slightly annoyed. She sighs and leans forward, squeezing Karma’s fingers as Lauren comes back with their order, trying to look professional but obviously failing when her face darkens again.

“You guys need to stop being so gay,” she says stiffly.

“What? Are you going to tell _Mom_ again?” Amy taunts, grabbing her milkshake while Karma timidly accepts her chocolate cake. She’s still uncomfortable about Lauren, mostly because there’s some similarities between her and Amy, even though they butt heads a lot.

Lauren shakes her head. “No,” she says, dragging the word, “I’m not the tattle-tale I used to be back then.”

“Yeah, whatever. Oh, can you bring me an extra fork?”

The other blonde stalks off, fuming as Amy turns back to Karma, smirking slightly.

“You got to know when to piss people off,” she says then proceeds to drink her milkshake.

.

They’re nearing the dormitories when somebody yells,

“Karma!”

Karma winces, knowing that voice anymore. She feels Amy stiffen near her and she resists the urge to grab hold of the blonde’s hand. She certainly doesn’t need to see _him_ right now, especially when she’s just recently realized her feelings for Amy—feelings that go beyond the friendship meter, which is the opposite she’s feeling for Liam freaking Booker.

Slowly, she and Amy turn around, Amy fuming with silent fury and Karma forcing a smile when Liam approaches, wearing a too tight shirt that defines his muscles and abs. He’s holding a variety of flowers in his hands and he’s staring right at her. His usually tousled brown hair is carefully styled and gelled this time, giving him the impression that he’s about to meet his girlfriend’s parents. He smiles cheekily, showing off the dimples that she used to adore but now silently hates. His smile promptly falters when he realizes that Amy is here, and currently shooting daggers at him.

“Hi,” he says shyly, avoiding his green eyes.

Karma wishes that they’re back in their dorm room at this moment. She can’t bear to be in the middle of the tension between her two closest friends.

Liam turns back to Karma, who graciously accepts the bouquet, even though Amy throws her a dirty look.

“I was wondering if you wanted to go to the mall with me,” he asks, smiling and not even giving a hint that he’s angry. Karma has, after all, avoided his calls and texts for a week and a half.

She can feel Amy staring at her but she ignores her. She’s too busy trying not to wince at the painful hope in Liam’s hazel eyes.

“Er, I’m not sure, Liam,” she says, biting the inside of her cheek, “I was going to—”

“Hey, guys!” a voice calls out and Bam! Naomi appears right next to Amy, linking their arms together and resting her head on the blonde’s shoulder. Amy is too shocked to react much but it’s obvious with the way her mouth drop and her eyes widen that she’s completely and utterly bewildered with the turn of events.

Liam looks immensely relieved for some reason but Karma’s jaw hangs slightly open in outrage. Some part of her, some crazy part—the jealous and angry and hormonal Karma Ashcroft part—wants to scream at Naomi to back off and to get her hands off Amy but before she can do so, Amy bumps their shoulders together, obviously sending a message to _cool it_. And Karma forces herself to gain control, even though it’s like there’s a hot iron rod in her chest. She glares at her feet and notices Amy shifting her weight and her hand twitching, as if the urge to hold Karma’s hand is overwhelming her.

“Where are we going?” Naomi says, smiling but when Karma looks up, she can see the jealously curdling in those blue eyes of hers. The other girl turns to Amy, pouting adorably but not it’s not up to Karma Ashcroft standards because Amy is unfazed. “You and I hardly hang out anymore; I’m beginning to think you’re avoiding me.”

“That’s not possible,” Amy says coolly.

Liam, who seems to have been forgotten for a moment, wraps an arm around Karma’s shoulder, nuzzling his long nose against her auburn hair. He seems wrong somehow; too tall, too broad and too masculine. His obnoxious perfume messes with her thoughts and she resists the urge to push him away. He’s already been rejected twice; she’s not planning on breaking his heart a third time. So she endures, endures the way he squeezes her shoulder, endures the way he stands too close, endures the tortured look Amy sends her.

“We’re planning to head to the mall,” Liam says, smiling politely at Naomi, “I was thinking of buying Karma a gift. You guys should come as well. It can be like a double date!”

Amy scowls, which she tries to hide from Naomi, who is obviously ecstatic. Karma sighs internally, having no heart to disagree. This is Liam, after all and even though most of their friendship has nearly crumbled, she still wants to preserve what’s been left behind.

“Okay,” she says, forcing a smile as she wraps an around his waist, the way they used to. Liam’s face breaks out into a smile but Karma notices the bitter look Amy sends her.

“Yeah,” the blonde mumbles, turning back to Naomi and saying, “Is there anything you want to buy?”

As they head over to Liam’s Mercedes, Karma knows she’s in big trouble. A double date? She can’t help but feel as if some roles have been switched…

 


	14. Never Wanted That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And what was I supposed to do? Sit around and watch the two of you make out?”
> 
> “Easy for you to say, you hypocrite!” Karma snaps. “Naomi was there! And you were both like girlfriends! You should stop acting like that, it’s not really attractive, you know!”
> 
> Amy slams her mouth shut, her green eyes lighting up with rage. Karma’s chest is heaving and suddenly, she remembers the first moment she and Amy talked, the first moment Blondie opened her mouth. Her anger is suddenly mingled with confusion.
> 
> “And besides, you kept telling everybody you weren’t gay,” she says, her voice softer but still hard, “And yet, you told me that Lauren outed you in high school. Is every word that came out of your mouth a stupid fucking lie?”
> 
> “No,” Amy says, looking as if she’s a deer caught in the headlights.
> 
> “Then elaborate, will you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There might be some drama so brace yourselves.

 

Being stuck in a car with an angry Amy and a jealous Naomi is an experience Karma doesn’t want to go through again. She doesn’t want to sit next to Liam in the shotgun seat because she fears that he might reach other and hold her hand, right in front of her roommate and close friend. And now that she’s being suffocated with the tension between the two girls, she has to wonder if she’s made the wrong choice.

Liam unsuccessfully tries to make conversation, asking Naomi what’s she’s studying and what movie Karma and Amy watched the night before ( _Captain America_ , Karma wants to say but there’s practically steam coming out of Amy’s ears so she keeps her mouth shut) but Naomi answers “Biology” rather coldly and Amy pretends not to hear. When Liam finally realizes that he’s not helping much, he turns on the stereo and the song ‘Give Me Love’ by Ed Sheeran starts playing.

Karma subconsciously glances at Amy the same time Amy glances at her. Their eyes lock together and it’s like there’s a pull that grabs a hold of Karma and nearly drags her forward to the blonde but she resists because Naomi and Liam there and she doesn’t want to cause a scene. But, if she’s being honest with herself, she’d definitely lean forward and kiss Amy if it’s just the two of them.

_Give me love like never before,_

_Cause lately I've been craving more,_

_And it's been a while but I still feel the same,_

_Maybe I should let you go_

Karma swallows self-consciously. Her mom always tells her that whenever a song starts playing during an important moment of her life, it’s a sign from the music and the lyrics tell you what you really want. And the words are making her mouth dry. She loves music, she does; loves the way it relaxes and gives her peace but right now, with Amy still looking at her from the corner of her eye, she swears she could cry. Ed Sheeran always has that effect on her with his heart-wrenching lyrics and sweet voice.

_Give a little time to me or burn this out,_

_We'll play hide and seek to turn this around,_

_All I want is the taste that your lips allow,_

_My, my, my, my, oh give me love_

Shit. She’s definitely screwed. She taps her foot against the floor, in hopes that it might make her forget about Amy’s very kissable lips. God, she’s really fucked. She doesn’t know what to do anymore so plays with her fingers, as if they’re the most interesting thing in the world. She can still sense Amy looking at her and when she turns her head, she sees Naomi looking at Amy. Then she glances over at Liam, who glances at her every now and then using the rearview mirror. It’s almost as if she’s the only one who doesn’t have someone to stare at.

“We’re nearly there,” Liam says, breaking the staring contests.

Amy drops her gaze to Karma’s hands while Naomi turns to the window, crossing her arms and practically emitting a vibe that shouts: _Don’t talk to me_. Karma sighs and looks up, relieved and grateful. Liam winks at her but he’s obviously troubled, with the unreadable look he passes Amy.

Karma’s mouth goes dry again. Liam can be a bit impulsive sometimes and she prays to God that he doesn’t say anything that will cause her Amy.

.

“Hey look! They’re showing The Fault In Our Stars already,” Karma points out, hoping that Amy can at least talk about something that she loves (after all, she’s been waiting for this movie for a year and a half) but the blonde just shrugs and listens to whatever Naomi is babbling about.

Karma pretends not to feel hurt but she can’t help it when her face falls. Liam notices and pounces immediately. “Do you want to watch with me?” he asks pleasantly.

_No_ , Karma wants to say but she forces the lump in her throat down and shakes her head. “Nah,” she says, loud enough that Amy can hear, “It’s overrated anyway.”

She sees that blonde turning around and clenching her fists, just _seconds_ away from screaming but Karma just smirks and walks off, before Amy can say another word. _That’s what you get for being so immature_ , she thinks and just to make it a bit worse, she laces her fingers with Liam’s ignoring the smile that breaks out on her friend’s face. She can practically hear Amy fuming behind her while Naomi tries to distract with new clothes and new shoes. It’s not working because the blonde doesn’t give a shit about clothes and shoes. She doesn’t tell Naomi that though.

Liam points at a teddy bear in the department store. “Looks cute,” he says plainly, obviously vying for her attention.

“Yeah,” Karma says, a bit too sweetly, “Would you buy it for me?”

Liam’s face softens and he agrees. Five minutes later, they’re walking down the halls, Karma holding a teddy bear in one hand and Liam’s in the other. Amy and Naomi are still following them a short distance away so Karma makes a point in kissing Liam’s cheek and laughing too hard at his jokes. He seems a bit bewildered, but still pleased that he’s getting a good reaction. So he goes with the flow and even steps over the line by kissing her sweetly on the lips. Karma tenses but relaxes soon after. If Amy saw that, then it’s worth it.

When they pull away, Liam has a love struck look on his face and there’s this moment, where Karma feels slightly guilty for using him like this but then she hears Naomi laugh and when she turns around, all guilt and shame immediately goes away.

Because Naomi is just holding Amy’s hands, the way Karma does whenever they’re bored or watching a movie, and leaning forward and pecking the blonde on the cheek. Amy doesn’t smile but her eyes flutter close, as if she’s about to kiss her and seeing them like that—looking all sweet and couple-like, well it hurts. Hurts so much that she feels as if she’s been shot in the chest.

Liam squeezes her hand, looking concerned but Karma doesn’t say anything. She just lets go of his hand and storms into the nearest restroom, trying hard not to cry.

.

Eventually, they find themselves staying in Starbucks. Karma’s arms are crossed and Liam has to lean forward just so that they can talk casually, since she’s too busy glaring at everybody who passes by. They’re sitting in a circular table so they occasionally bump elbows and brush hands together. Amy is in Karma’s right so it’s kind of hard not to glance at each other every now and then. Whenever they do touch, Karma winces and Amy shyly leans back, silently enduring.

The tension is thick and angry and practically pulsing with the rage and jealously that all four of them have been pushing down. Liam is starting to get frustrated and angry, upset at Karma’s hot and cold behavior. Naomi is jealous and hostile, shooting Karma glares and it’s obvious that their friendship is falling apart because what kind of a person steals her friend’s possible lover? And Amy is obviously confused and humiliated, since it must feel like Karma has rejected her (even though she hasn’t; there’s no way Karma’s ever going to reject Amy.)

Their orders arrive and Karma checks her shopping bags and frowns when she realizes that they’re not there.

“What’s wrong?” Liam asks, when she practically goes under the table.

“The shopping bags aren’t here,” she growls.

“Maybe you left them behind,” Naomi suggests and her voice softens when she sees the distressed look on the other girl’s face. “Amy and I can look for them, if you want.”

“No, it should be me and Amy,” Karma finds herself saying and Naomi’s face tightens once more.

“Really, it should be us,” the other girl argues, “I remembered that you placed it near the grocery store. Besides, I wouldn’t want to leave my _boyfriend_ behind.”

Karma sets her jaw stubbornly. _Too low_ , she thinks to herself and she opens her mouth to say something (she’s sure that some words aren’t too decent) but Liam clears his throat, obviously uncomfortable with the argument. He says, with his voice too light for the occasion, “Maybe the two of you should go. The boyfriends can stay behind.”

Amy freezes and Karma shoots a glare at Liam. The other boy shrugs, eyeing the blonde carefully. Karma knows that she should say something, tell him that there is no way she’s going to leave Amy behind but then Naomi’s hand is on the crook of her elbow and then they both start leaving.

Karma is puzzled. She wonders why Naomi would want to go with her, much less _touch_ her but after they get out of Starbucks, the atmosphere eases when Naomi says, with a voice that makes her forget about the drama in the past months,

“Liam’s an asshole sometimes.”

Karma laughs, which is surprising because Amy is the only person who can make her laugh out loud. She can’t remember the last time she and Naomi hung out and she’s not going to deny that she misses it.

Naomi gives her a fond look as they head to the grocery store.

“What do you think they’re talking about?” she asks.

“Who knows,” Karma answers, “Guy things, maybe.”

Naomi grows quiet, which is strange because Naomi is the type of person who definitely cannot shut up. Karma finds herself staring at her, thinking about the time Amy called her beautiful. She’s not wrong; Naomi _is_ beautiful with her short black hair and bright blue eyes. She always knows how to make someone laugh or even crack a smile and maybe that’s the reason why Karma feels so guilty being in love with Amy, because Naomi was in love with her first.

“Are you—” Naomi begins, her voice small and for a moment, she reminds Karma of herself, “Are you and Amy dating?”

There’s a lump in Karma’s esophagus, a lump she can’t force down. She clears her throat, indirectly looking at her friend. “No,” she answers truthfully, “we’re just friends. I promise you.”

“It’s just—the way she looks at you,” Naomi says, looking embarrassed, “She looks at you as if you put the stars in the sky. I don’t know—I just want her to look at me the same way.” She looks to the side and Karma feels increasingly guilty when she sees that the other girl is near tears. “She keeps telling me that she’s not gay, which is stupid, if you think about it but it’s obvious that she’s fallen in love with you. Karma, tell me the truth, how do you do it?”

“Do what?” Karma says, her heart pounding.

“Be so amazing?” Naomi asks, “You have two people pining after you and I’m just standing in the sidelines, watching them as they try to win you over.”

“It’s not that easy,” Karma mumbles.

“I know, I know.” Naomi drops her gaze to the floor, “but to be honest, I’m just really jealous of you.”

Karma feels as if she’s slowly crumbling apart. Nobody has ever told her that and so Karma has always assumed that she has no talents that can ever make anybody jealous. She is perfectly plain and ordinary, even though Amy told her that she isn’t. Still, it’s not something she can forget about.

“Don’t be,” Karma says, stopping and giving Naomi’s arm a squeeze. The girl’s blue eyes are wet with unshed tears, “You’re beautiful and gorgeous and one of the most delightful persons I know. Don’t ever tell yourself otherwise and don’t worry, Amy will come around. I’m not in love with her and I won’t steal her away from you.” The words are bitter against her tongue but she endures because Naomi is listening, drinking every lie that comes out of Karma’s mouth. “You’re my friend and I love you. Don’t forget that.”

Naomi sighs in relief and after laughing off her tears, reaches out and embraces Karma.

Karma places her chin against the other girl’s shoulder, forcing a smile that doesn’t make the pain go away.

.

Naomi is right. She left the shopping bags near the grocery store. They’re laughing their asses off when they head back to Starbucks but Karma knows something is wrong the minute she steps inside. She whips her head around, looking for Amy but there’s only Liam, sitting alone at their table and sipping his drink quietly. He looks up when they approach and tries to smile.

“Where’s Amy?” is the first words that pop out of Karma’s mouth. Dread fills her stomach and she stares at Liam.

Liam has the decency to look abashed.

“She left,” he says, looking down at his hands, “We were talking and she suddenly got upset and left.”

Naomi appears in Karma’s right and she looks absolutely furious. “What were you talking about?” she demands hotly.

Liam sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. “We were talking about you, Karma,” he says quietly and his voice grows instantly hard, “and we were talking about your mother as well.”

Karma doesn’t need to know more. She turns around, bringing along her bags and ignoring Naomi’s calls for her because sure, she’s confused and guilty and angry but there is one thing she knows right now. She knows that she has to find Amy, before everything is too late.

.

For three hours, she roams around the mall, successfully dodging both Naomi and Liam as she desperately tries to find her roommate. She thinks that it shouldn’t be too hard because she’d spot Amy anywhere, even if the blonde cut off all her hair but when her feet start aching, she knows that Amy is not in the mall anymore. Dejected, angry and confused, she heads home, walking to the nearest bus stop and staring at the empty space next to her, which is where Amy is supposed to be.

When she gets home, its empty and the lights are all turned off. There’s no sign of Amy, no sign that anybody has entered so she sighs, takes off her shoes and lies down on the bed, rubbing her eyes until she’s pretty sure that she won’t cry. The mattress seems hard and cold and she thinks of all the nights spent wrapped in Amy’s arms and her heart aches for her. God, who knows what Liam told her. Since she knows the guy for more than a decade, she knows that it’s bad, bad enough to make Amy run away. She closes her eyes, tries to breathe in what’s left of Amy’s smell and just stays there, letting her entire body rest.

The clock strikes 9 pm and half in a state of consciousness, Karma hears the door opening and light footsteps treading against the floor. She stirs, turning to the side and opening her eyes a bit. Her back hurts and her head throbs but she knows that golden hair anywhere. The anger that sparks inside wakes her up and she groggily pulls herself together, running her fingers through her hair and biting the inside of her cheek.

Amy is drenched slightly, her blonde hair soggy and dripping with rainwater. She’s already making a puddle on the floor and she’s holding a plastic bag in one hand while the other tries to discreetly close the door behind her. Then there’s just silence, except for the shuffling of Amy’s feet.

“Where were you?” Karma demands, surprised to find out that her voice is calm.

The blonde shrugs. “I wanted to do something,” she answers.

“Liam said that you took off,” Karma says, in that same calm voice that is starting to scare her. “What did he tell you?”

Amy stubbornly sets her jaw, her eyes flashing with anger at the mention of the other boy. “He said nothing,” she says, turning her face away and setting the plastic bag on the bedside table. The silence that follows is intense and Karma finally lets some of her anger out,

“Where were you?”

“Why do you care?” Amy whips around, gritting her teeth in frustration. “At least you were with your boyfriend!”

“How many times do I have to tell you?” Karma screeches, sliding from the bed and stomping her feet, “Liam is not my boyfriend!”

Amy snorts, which used to be endearingly adorable but is now just plain infuriating. “Yeah? What kind of a friend is he if kisses you, huh? And you were holding hands and you were laughing at his stupid jokes! Goddamn it, Karma!” She takes off her shoes and throws it into the corner, her entire body stiff and tense. “And what was I supposed to do? Sit around and watch the two of you make out?”

“Easy for you to say, you hypocrite!” Karma snaps. “Naomi was there! And you were both like girlfriends! You should stop acting like that, it’s not really attractive, you know!”

Amy slams her mouth shut, her green eyes lighting up with rage. Karma’s chest is heaving and suddenly, she remembers the first moment she and Amy talked, the first moment Blondie opened her mouth. Her anger is suddenly mingled with confusion.

“And besides, you kept telling everybody you weren’t gay,” she says, her voice softer but still hard, “And yet, you told me that Lauren outed you in high school. Is every word that came out of your mouth a stupid fucking lie?”

“No,” Amy says, looking as if she’s a deer caught in the headlights.

“Then elaborate, will you?”

Somehow, this topic is harder to talk about because Amy clams up. Karma, in a state of anger and frustration, leans back and crosses her arms, determined to wait this out. And Amy knows because after a minute, she sighs and says,

“I was lying.” She pauses, avoids Karma’s dark green eyes. “When we first met, I told you that I wasn’t gay because I knew, from the first moment I saw you, I knew that you wouldn’t like me. But after desperately trying to convince you that I was nothing more than a girl wearing boy’s clothes, you still didn’t believe me. I talked to Shane and he told me all about your— _conservative_ —mother and well, I decided to play this façade a little while longer. Because I wanted you to like me, not because you were forced to but because you genuinely did. Then we started getting closer and well—I slipped. And you didn’t seem to mind or notice and that was when I knew, that the façade had gone and I was finally myself.”

Karma opens and closes her mouth. Finally, when the silence becomes unbearable, she says,

“But you still left.” The anger comes rushing back, hotter and stronger and she steps forward, “You left me and Naomi behind. You left because Liam told you about my mother! What did he say, exactly, huh?” Their faces are dangerously close and Amy inhales sharply, taking a step back and rubbing the back of her neck.

“He said—” She swallows and looks down at her hands. “He said that if I still kept pursuing you, then you would reject me. And I didn’t want that, Karma. No, I never wanted that.”

A newfound emotion wounds its way into Karma’s heart and she suddenly has the wild insane urge to reach out and kiss Amy but something stops her—or someone. Naomi. She remembers what Naomi told her, about watching from the sidelines as Amy falls. It hurts, she knows and she’s already hurt her friend long enough. Can Karma really take away Naomi’s chance at love? Can she really do that, earnestly lie to her face and then be with the girl she really likes? Karma knows that she’s not a bad person but she wishes she was right now. So that the choice is easier.

“I’m sorry,” Karma chokes out, her voice shaking, “but I can’t be with you. Liam’s right. If you keep pursuing me, I’ll just reject you. I’m sorry, Amy but I just don’t love you _that way_.” The tears prickle the back of her eyes and she pushes them in.  

Amy looks as if she’s been viciously punched in the stomach. She opens her mouth but no words come out.

“I’m sorry,” she says again, “Please, I really am.”

The blonde looks at her, green eyes full of hurt and pain. It kills Karma but she doesn’t do anything to stop the knife of rejection stabbing her in the chest. Finally, Amy heads to the front door, shoves her shoes in and slams the door on the way out.

Karma walks over to the bedside table, where the plastic bag is sitting. She opens it and her heart jumps in her throat when she realizes that Amy has bought her a chocolate moist cake.

There’s a note taped on it and Karma reads it with a frown.

_I’m really sorry and I bought you cake, so that you won’t get angry_!

Whenever Karma is upset, she always buys cake.

Amy remembered.

Karma drops the note and heads out the front door, grabbing her umbrella along the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, drama! Anyway, this chapter was made for the person who was confused about Amy's sexuality. I hope your confusion has gone and I hope that each one of you liked this chapter. It was fun to write but the best part's about to come!


	15. Bitterness And Relief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What are you doing here?” Amy says, confusion lacing her voice.
> 
> “I came to find you,” Karma says, desperately wanting to reach out and hold the blonde’s hand.
> 
> Amy looks at her as if she’s not really there, like Karma is a mirage and Amy is a dying person in the middle of the desert. The rain is getting lighter now but drops of it are still spattering against Karma’s arms.
> 
> “But why?” Amy asks, after a minute or two. “You told me that you didn’t love me that way—so what are you doing here, if you’ve never cared for me, after all this time?”
> 
> “I do care for you,” Karma tells her. She wants to add “more than you think” but she doesn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy ;)

“Amy!”

Karma heads out to find her roommate, running across the parking lot and stumbling into the school grounds. There’s a storm outside and sleets of rain are thundering against the ground and within minutes, she’s drenched to the bone. Her hand is shaking on the handle of the umbrella and she impatiently brushes the hair off her face. She can barely see anything since her vision is all blurred and it’s already night out. The streetlights aren’t helping much, since they illuminate only a small part of her eyesight. The overwhelming smell of metal and the wet earth fills her nostrils and once again, in a desperate attempt to be heard, she shouts,

“Amy!”

She doesn’t get a response and she doesn’t expect one. She’s freezing her ass off in the rain and her fingers start shaking uncontrollably but against her better judgment, she rushes into the middle of the storm, her teeth chattering as she tries to look for her roommate. She thinks of the words she said and dread fills her stomach at the thought of the brokenhearted look on Amy’s face. It’s not what she wanted; it’s never what she wanted but it still happened and she’s racked with the pain and guilt of it. She doesn’t wipe away her tears because it mingles with the raindrops. At least no one will know that she’s crying.

She doesn’t find Amy until half an hour later, after she’s already circled around the school. Her feet are aching and she’s sure that blisters have already formed around her ankles. She’s exhausted and tired but she can’t stop now, when she doesn’t know how Amy is holding up. She comes across the fountain, where everything seems to take place and sits on the edge, putting down her umbrella and letting the rain drench her through.

She sighs and rubs her eyes, sniffing. The storm has lessened slightly but sleets of it are still pounding against her body. She feels as if every drop is like a bullet, as if nature is making sure that she suffers. She bites her lip so hard that she tastes blood and she thinks of Amy, thinks of her blonde hair and green eyes, thinks of the way she smiles and laughs, thinks of the pain and hurt in her eyes when Karma said those fateful words: _I just don’t love you_ that way.

She deserves to burn for that.

Her thoughts are cut off when she hears a cough. She twists her head around and has to squint through the rain spattering against her eyes. She sees the bench, sees the person sitting on it. She recognizes the lean frame and the blonde hair and the slouched position, recognizes that sneakers which has mud splashed across it. Her heart painfully jumps to her throat when she realizes that it’s _Amy_.

“Amy,” she murmurs, her voice soft. She stands up slowly, grabbing the umbrella and rushing towards the blonde.

Amy doesn’t look up when she approaches. Either she doesn’t see it or she’s pretending that she’s not there. Karma hopes for the former, because the last thing she needs is to be ignored. She stares hard at the other girl, not daring to even breathe since everything hurts right now. It’s like a stupid scene from a movie but there’s absolutely no chance of a reconciliation. Karma broke Amy’s heart, shattering hers in the process and she can’t be forgiven for that. The realization makes the tears burn through whatever restraint she has left. She’s sobbing right in front of Amy and Amy isn’t even looking at her.

“Amy,” she chokes out, wiping her tears away and biting her lower lip. She tastes the blood again.

Almost as if she’s in slow motion, Amy looks up. Her green eyes are glassy and she looks fragile, as if she’s just one step from falling apart. She’s also drenched and it’s obvious that she’s been sitting here for a while. She might not realize it but her entire body is shaking.  

“What are you doing here?” Amy says, confusion lacing her voice.

“I came to find you,” Karma says, desperately wanting to reach out and hold the blonde’s hand.

Amy looks at her as if she’s not really there, like Karma is a mirage and Amy is a dying person in the middle of the desert. The rain is getting lighter now but drops of it are still spattering against Karma’s arms.

“But why?” Amy asks, after a minute or two. “You told me that you didn’t love me that way—so what are you doing here, if you’ve never cared for me, after all this time?”

“I do care for you,” Karma tells her. She wants to add “ _More than you think”_ but she doesn’t. She doesn’t need to get Amy’s hopes up, especially after her whole talk with Naomi. She bites her lips, tightens her grip on the umbrella and murmurs, “We should get up. You’ll get a cold, you know.”

“The cold is the least of my concerns,” Amy mumbles, leaning back against the bench and raising her face to the night skies, letting the rain hit her.

Karma stays where she stands. She knows that if she’s even an inch closer to the other girl then she won’t be able to control herself. She’ll have word vomit and she’ll practically spill everything out. She always does that, whenever she’s under pressure but right now, she tells herself to resist. Her shell mustn’t crack.

Then Amy says, with her voice lighter than a feather’s, “Did you ever think you could love me back?”

Karma’s mouth goes dry and she swears that she dies a little bit inside. “Amy…”

“Karma.” Hearing her name on the other girl’s tongue makes Karma shiver. Amy is still facing the sky but her eyes are closed, as if she’s merely daydreaming. “I’m in love with you.”

Karma’s heart twists painfully. “Amy…”

The blonde opens her eyes and looks at her, determination plain in her face. Her lips are set in a straight line, as if the words she just said are not the words that she means to take back. Karma feels as if she’s just plunged headfirst into a dark ocean, the waves throwing her back and forth against jagged rocks that stab and pierce the beating organ of her heart. She wants to laugh, she wants to cry, she wants to grab Amy by the shoulders and shake her. How can anybody like Karma Ashcroft, much less be in love with her? The heartbreak she feels is like an ugly wound which you can’t scratch or even touch, no matter how much you want to so instead of just relieving herself, she forces herself to endure. She knows about Amy’s feelings for her, but never the extent of it.

“I am in love with you,” Amy repeats. She pauses, as if gathering her thoughts. She looks so goddamn beautiful, with her bright green eyes and the raindrops running across her cheeks. Karma realizes, with a jolt, that those are tears. Amy continues, her voice full of bitterness but also relief, “and I know that it’s wrong, that it’s like an act of betrayal because you willingly let me into your life and I’ve just thrown that trust away but it’s the truth. It’s always been the truth. Ever since you stepped out of that bathroom and called me a tomboy, I’ve always been in love with you. Even after you said hurtful things, even after you kept turning your face away from disgust, I’ve always loved you, Karma.” She lets out a ragged sigh, one that pulls at the strings in Amy’s heart, “I never meant for this to happen. I never meant to say those words. I told myself that I’d just tuck my feelings away because there’s no way you’d reciprocate them but then—”

Amy’s voice cracks and she clears her throat, looking ashamed.

“But then something happened. It was weeks ago, I’m not sure if you remember but we were watching a movie and I think it was Mean Girls, I guess but I fell asleep and I could hear you cleaning everything away. You even pecked me on the cheek before you started to turn to the side so that you could sleep. I couldn’t remember much, since I was half in a state of consciousness but damn it, Karma, I know you said it. You said _I’m in love with you, buttface_.”

Karma freezes, knowing that night and those words. She never thought that Amy was awake and besides, it was a night of longing and newfound feelings and there was no way she could keep them inside. She feels as if she’s going to cry, which she already is. The tears sting the back of her eyes and she lets them fall, since Amy can’t tell the difference between the rain and her tears. Looking at the blonde hurts but she knows that if she doesn’t then it will hurt even more. She inhales a sharp breath, unable to say anything to either accept or deny the truth laid out in front of her.

Amy is still crying somehow and her voice is racked with pain when she says, “And do you know what I said? I said; _me too, buttface_. But you never heard. You never saw the signs. And if you still want a sign, well here it is!” She gestures to herself and then slouches back against the bench, as if she’s said too much. She looks exhausted. “I’m sorry but I can’t help it. This is how much I love you, Karma. I just can’t seem to be holding anything back.”

Karma drops the umbrella and it falls on the ground, splashing water everywhere. Amy looks down at the ground, unable to meet her eyes. Karma feels as if she’s breathed new air into her lungs and the emotions that have been raging a war inside her chest finally stops and then there’s just peace. When she can’t take the silence anymore, Karma rushes towards the bench, sits on Amy’s right and embraces her. The warmth that comes off the other girl soothes the pain she’s been feeling for the past few weeks. Her hands clutch at the back of Amy’s shirt and there’s this horrifying moment where Amy doesn’t do anything, just stays still but the moment passes and Amy’s arm encircle her waist, pulling her close.

Karma closes her eyes, vowing to herself never to let the blonde go. She doesn’t think of Naomi because damn it, this is what she wants and this is what Amy wants and damn her, damn her, damn her. They’re breathing in each other and the splatter of the rain is deafening but she can feel Amy’s heart beating against her chest, joining in rhythm with her own.

.

They don’t talk on the way back to the dorm but they don’t let go of each other’s hands. Maybe Amy’s run out of words to say or Karma’s just too tired to open her mouth but the warmth of each other’s skin gives them something to think about. When they enter their room, Amy lets go of Karma’s fingers and mumbles something about taking a shower. Karma just nods and sits on the bed as she waits. A nuzzling feeling takes over her chest as she thinks about the duration of the night. A smile breaks out and she can’t control it. God, she feels giddy. It’s like a bubble of happiness is slowly expanding inside her and not even a goddamn chainsaw can pop it.

It takes twenty minutes for Amy to shower and even though she’s fresh and clean, she still looks exhausted. She’s wearing only a white tank top, which defines her curves, the curves Karma has never seen before because Amy’s always wearing too big shirts, and some jersey shorts. She sits down next to Karma, sighing softly as she tries to rub the water off her blonde hair. It’s obvious that she’s too tired to even dry her own hair.

“Here,” Karma says, her voice soft as she takes the towel from Amy’s hands. Their fingers brush together and Karma can’t help but feel the pounding of her heart. “Let me.”

They face each other, Karma sitting cross legged on the bed as she rubs the towel all over Amy’s hair. She’s gentle though and she can see the gratitude written all over Amy’s face as she works. There’s only silence but in Karma’s head, she can hear that song again. That goddamn Ed Sheeran song that slowly makes its way into Karma’s heart.

_You know I'll fight my corner,_

_Maybe tonight I'll call ya,_

_After my blood is drowning in alcohol,_

_No, I just wanna hold ya_

She swallows slowly, feeling unnerved by the intensity of Amy’s gaze on her.

_Give a little time to me or burn this out,_

_We'll play hide and seek to turn this around,_

_All I want is the taste that your lips allow,_

_My, my, my, my, oh give me love._

Amy patiently looks up at her, as if she’s waiting for Karma to make the first move. Karma’s head is spinning and she curses the fact that Amy has this effect on her. She doesn’t hate it, however. She enjoys it, enjoys the jealously churning in her stomach whenever Amy smiles at Naomi; enjoys the complete bliss and happiness in her chest whenever Amy holds her hand, enjoys the way she feels as if nothing can go wrong whenever they’re together. Because it means that Karma is truly and completely in love with her.

She shakes off the emotions starting to make her dizzy and straightens up, rubbing the towel over the back of Amy’s blonde hair. There’s a peaceful silence between them both and there’s a longing in Karma’s veins, a longing to kiss her and hold her face and memorize every square inch of her skin. It doesn’t help that Amy is still staring at her, her eyes bright and beautiful, reminding Karma of the stars her mother pointed out to her when she was a kid. How can anybody look so mesmerizing? Karma doesn’t know.

Suddenly but carefully, as if she’s been meaning to do this for a while now, Amy places her hands on Karma’s waist, as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. Karma’s breath catches in her throat and her heart is pounding rapidly, like a drummer banging on his drum set to show his emotions. She swallows the lump in her throat and leans back, not pushing Amy away but letting her hands stay on her waist. Amy looks a bit puzzled, her eyebrows drawing a line together. It’s obvious that she’s wondering why Karma isn’t pulling away, like all the other times when they were in the same position.

Karma’s mind is set. She dutifully pushes away the nagging voice of her mother—warning her of Amy’s type, of girls who aren’t comfortable in their own skin, of girls who don’t know where they stand—and just inhales the scent of Amy’s skin, which smells like the lemon soap she always seems to use. The boyish perfume is gone and Karma detects a bit of rain. She hums a bit, licking her lips and dropping the towel. She lets her hand move to Amy’s shoulder and leans forward, weighing for Amy’s reaction. Amy’s grip tighten on her waist and she’s holding her breath, her eyes widening slightly. When Karma is sure that she’s not going to pull back, she wounds her fingers in the tangle of Amy’s blonde hair and kisses her.

Karma inhales sharply the same time Amy exhales the breath she’s been holding in. Kissing Amy isn’t like kissing Liam. No, instead of the roughness of his hands, and the itchy stubble on his chin, she feels the softness of Amy’s lips against her own and the gentle way her arms wrap around her neck. She touches the back of Amy’s neck and the soft skin of her collarbone, feeling as if she’s finally getting the chance to explore the one person she’s been pursuing. She touches Amy’s cheeks and smiles when she feels the softness of them.

Amy is all soft curves and sweet kisses. When Karma deepens the kiss and runs her hands over Amy’s arms, they both shiver, like something has reached out and touched their hearts. There’s just something about the way Amy smells of rain and lemon soap and the way she holds Karma, like she’s something precious she has to be careful, that it makes the longing in Karma intensify.

When Amy pulls away and gives her this small smug look, Karma has to laugh. She didn’t expect this to happen, especially after their disastrous first meeting but deep down, Karma doesn’t regret it any other way.

She leans forward and kisses Amy once more, making sure that she seizes every opportunity to keep touching her. And Amy lets her, because she wants this as well, almost as much as Karma does.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this might be a bit shorter than the last chapter but I just had to leave this cliffhanger. Also, this is not the ending. There's still more troubles to come, especially about Karma's mother but I won't spoil. If you've watched the movie already then you might have an idea.


	16. Kisses and Horndogs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> College roommates AU where Karma is not entirely fond of lesbians and Amy is unfortunately her roommate.
> 
> “I—” Amy’s gaze drops to the towel and she blushes. “Well, I just thought you looked beautiful.”
> 
> It’s not the answer she’s expecting and her grip slackens. She leans back, knowing that she’s probably a blushing mess. The words make something in her chest flutter and it’s probably the stupid butterflies again, making her feel like she’s going to puke out the pizza she had last night.
> 
> “Me? Beautiful? Amy, I’m not even wearing make-up and my hair’s all messed up and I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet,” she murmurs, nearly cracking a smile when she sees Amy looking at her with the softest expression. “I’m not beautiful, Amy.”
> 
> “Right and I’m the president of the United States,” Amy mumbles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it took so long for me to update but exam weeks are coming and I am super busy nowadays. So the next chapter, which is when all the fun starts,might take longer as well. Be patient guys! :)

Karma wakes up to the scent of lemon soap and the feelings of arms wrapped around her waist. She shifts around, a smile already forming against her lips when she twists to see Amy already looking at her. The blonde is as gorgeous as ever but there’s just something so strangely beautiful about the way her hair is all messy and ruffled and the way her eyes are still half closed with sleep. Karma stares at her, taking the image of her all in and she has to wonder, why on earth she didn’t fall for her sooner.

“Morning, buttface,” the blonde says, yawning.

“Morning, Blondie,” Karma says in return, biting her lower lip and curling her fingers in Amy’s shirt. “Did you sleep well?”

“Uh-huh.”

Karma sits up, running her fingers through her auburn curls. She looks down at Amy, who is still lying down, her eyes closed. Being urged on by her newfound happiness, she leans down and kisses her, (not even caring about morning breath because right now, she wants Amy to be her breakfast) her fingers tracing patterns against the blonde’s cheeks. She feels Amy’s smile growing and a giddiness fills Karma’s bones.

When they pull away, Karma says, “I’ve been wanting to do that for a while now.”

“Really?” Amy questions, looking surprised. “Since when?”

“Since you ditched Naomi and came to find me instead.”

“Right.” Amy sits up, leaning against the bedpost and giving Karma a small satisfied look. “I guess my good looks finally got you to cave in. I’m not surprised. It doesn’t take long for the ladies to start running after me.”

“Don’t push it,” Karma warns, her laughter giving away her serious look. “Besides, no lady is ever going to come near you again. I can be a jealous girlfriend.”

Amy sighs, but happiness and content is plain in those green eyes of hers. She reaches out and laces their fingers together, humming under her breath as Karma instinctively leans towards her, burying her face into Amy’s blonde curls.

“Tell me why that somehow pleases me,” Amy murmurs. Karma doesn’t answer, just places a soft kiss against the other girl’s cheek.

They stay like that for a while, tangled in their limbs and bed sheets. Amy has thrown a casual arm around Karma’s shoulders, pulling her close and Karma wraps her arms around the other girl’s waist, just wanting— _needing—_ to be as close to her as possible. She’s spent days, weeks, probably months waiting for this moment and now that it’s here, she swears to herself not to take advantage of it. She still feels happy about everything that has turned out because last night, there was this one terrifying moment where she thought that she was going to lose Amy, that moment in her life when she felt like the world was ripped from beneath her feet. Thank God Amy caught her. Even right now, the blonde is still holding on as tightly as Karma is.

“So, you’re my girlfriend now,” Amy says, breaking the silence.

Karma frowns, feeling her heart pounding rapidly inside her chest. “Well, you don’t have to sound so happy about it.”

“I am,” Amy says quickly, twisting her head around to give Karma a fond but worried look. “Believe me, I’m ecstatic right now but I have to be honest here…I just don’t know why you chose to be with me. I mean, I’m in love with you, you know that, I practically confessed everything to you last night but…is that the only reason?” When Karma tilts her head in a confused way, Amy’s face twist into anguish, as if she can’t put her feelings into the right words.

“What are you trying to say?” Karma asks, leaning back and frowning a bit more.

“What I’m saying is that…” Amy sighs once more. “Karma, I know that you’re in love with me. I heard you say it.”

Karma blushes but she nods for Amy to keep going.

“The question is, why?”

“Why?” Karma repeats dumbly.

Amy’s voice suddenly grows small when she says, “Yeah, why?”

Karma stares at her and when the silence becomes unbearable, Amy shakes her head, exhaling a nervous laugh. “I don’t know why I said that,” she said, averting Karma’s intense green gaze. “I should be happy that you’re choosing to be with me right now. I’m an idiot for even questioning your choice. Forget I said that—”

“Amy,” Karma says, her voice calm and collected. Amy stops stammering and gives Karma a fearful look.

“Really, you should just forget about it,” the blonde says.

Karma just shakes her head, placing her hands on either side of Amy’s face. The other girl relaxes considerably and Karma leans forward to kiss her. The warm giddy feeling in her chest intensifies and when they break apart, she doesn’t pull away or lean back. She stays close, breathing in Amy’s lemon soap and the warmth of her breath against her lips. Amy wraps her arms around Karma’s waist, sighing softly.

“You asked me why I chose to be with you,” Karma murmurs, not opening her eyes.

“Uh-huh.”

“Well, there are a lot of reasons,” Karma continues, smiling, “You’re kind, generous, beautiful and just an amazing person but the reason why I’m choosing to stay with you is because you make me happy. You understand me. You comfort me. You’ve loved me in the way nobody has ever dared to love me. Well, maybe Liam but I never returned his feelings—” She stops to pinch the blonde when she hears an unmistakable groan at the mention of the other boy—“Whenever you’re not around, I feel as if there’s a hole in my chest. Whenever you _are_ around, I feel whole, like really complete and perfect. I can’t really explain it in any other way so I’m just going to quote some guy here. ‘I have looked at you in millions of ways and I have loved you in each.’ _That’s_ why I’m choosing to be with you.”

Amy stares at her and then after a while, reaches out and kisses Karma. Then they lie back down again, not needing to say anything else because Karma already feels as if she’s said enough.

.

Liam calls but Karma doesn’t answer.

Naomi knocks but Amy doesn’t get up and move.

Hours pass but they still stay together, wrapped up in each other’s warmth and scent. They watch movies (Arrow seems like a good series to watch) and read books (they both start reading Divergent, which is pretty good as well) and just keep kissing and laughing, ignoring classes and the occasional knock on the door. Karma doesn’t care what happens outside when they’re in the room but she’s not so sure what she’ll do if the roles are reversed.

Amy brings up that topic when they’re already in episode five of Arrow.

“Do you have to tell your mom?” she questions, eyeing her carefully.

“I think so,” Karma murmurs, shifting around and looking up at her roommate. “Amy, I tell her everything.”

Amy frowns. It’s obvious that she’s not too happy about it. Karma isn’t as well. She doesn’t know if she has the guts to tell her mother that she’s fallen in love with a girl who dresses like a boy. And yet…she finds herself thinking about all those times where her mother was always there, always a constant never ending flame who supported her and loved her. Surely, she’ll continue loving her even if Karma is basically the example of what she disapproves the most?

“Well, you can always stay with me if you ever get kicked out,” Amy responds.

Karma laughs, a knot in her chest loosening. She turns to Amy, leans forward and kisses her.

“That’s not really helping,” Karma says once they pull away.

Amy smirks and they face the screen again.

.

At some point in their newfound happiness, Karma has to learn that they can’t stay in their room forever, no matter how badly she wants to.

The next day, when they both wake up, she immediately crawls out of Amy’s arms and heads into the bathroom, washing her entire body and getting prepped for the day ahead. She can hear Amy’s occasional groan over the shower and she smiles to herself, thinking that maybe they should take a bath together next time. The thought makes something in her chest tighten and for her skin to warm. For once, she thinks about how girls have sex with each other and she’s not uncomfortable with it; (well, maybe she is) it’s just a new foreign experience that she hasn’t thought about.

Karma has always imagined spending her life with a guy (sometimes, she thinks of the tall, dark handsome stranger as Liam but the perfect image never fits) and she sometimes plays with the thought of having children. She wants to have three kids and they’re all named after her favorite characters (Isaac from Teen Wolf, for instance.) The thought makes her laugh out loud. Maybe they can have a girl with Karma’s auburn curls and Amy’s green eyes or a boy with Amy’s looks but Karma’s mannerism. She doesn’t know about the future but she does know this: Amy is better than any tall dark stranger.

When she steps out with nothing but a towel wrapped around her body, she sees Amy already making their breakfast, which is cooked in the rice cooker, as usual. She steps closer, sniffing chicken noodles and hugs Amy from behind.

Amy nearly jumps out of her skin. “Jesus, Karma!” she says, her obvious shock turning to laughter as she turns around.

Karma is still holding onto the towel when she sees the expression on the blonde’s face. There’s an emotion there, an emotion she can only identify as something _close_ to lust but there are others waging a war in the confines of her green eyes and Karma stares, identifying adoration, awe and a small part that can only be fear. Then Amy gets her feelings under control, settling for content as she kisses Karma, her lips softly pressed against the smile on Karma’s face.

“What was that look for?” she murmurs when the blonde pulls back.

“What look?” Amy says innocently.

“You know.” Karma wonders if she should bite her lip but then she thinks of all those tortured filled weeks of not being able to say her feelings out loud and her mind is made up. She’s done holding back. Stepping forward and grabbing hold of Amy’s wrist, she says, “The look you had on your face when you turned around and saw me in _this_.”

“I—” Amy’s gaze drops to the towel and she blushes. “Well, I just thought you looked beautiful.”

It’s not the answer she’s expecting and her grip slackens. She leans back, knowing that she’s probably a blushing mess. The words make something in her chest flutter and it’s probably the stupid butterflies again, making her feel like she’s going to puke out the pizza she had last night.

“Me? Beautiful? Amy, I’m not even wearing make-up and my hair’s all messed up and I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet,” she murmurs, nearly cracking a smile when she sees Amy looking at her with the softest expression. “I’m not beautiful, Amy.”

“Right and I’m the president of the United States,” Amy mumbles.

.

To Karma’s surprise, the hardest part isn’t Naomi or Shane; the hardest part is trying to be discreet.

Since she doesn’t want anybody to know that she’s dating Amy, she told the blonde that they have to be cautious in their PDA, which is something that Karma has never thought of before. Sure, she’s always the type of person who displays her affection but not the couple-y kind, never the kissing or the holding hands way too often because she’s never had a relationship as serious as Amy’s before.

Relationship. The word makes something in her chest twist, but she doesn’t know why.

After classes (and after a lot of not so discreet texting) Karma finally sees Amy waiting for her outside her building, where she’s wearing a black sweater over a grey shirt and some khaki pants. Her blonde hair is tied in a messy bun, the same bun Karma carefully tried to arrange this morning, which she obviously failed. Amy smiles that same boyish smile that kind of melts all of Karma’s insides and when they approach each other, Karma has to physically force herself not to throw her arms around the blonde’s neck and to smother her with kisses. They are, after all, in the middle of the campus.

“Did you miss me?” Amy asks, her grin widening when Karma rolls her eyes.

“Terribly,” Karma says, “The thought of not seeing you 24 hours a day and 7 times a week is torture.”

“Aw,” Amy says, brushing their fingers together, “Who knew you’d be such a sap.”

“Shut up, Blondie.”

They decide to head over to _Café Shops_ and Karma is surprised to learn just how hard it is not to love Amy.  She wants to reach out and intertwine their fingers together or lean over and kiss her but she can’t because there are too many eyes around and she doesn’t want everybody to know. Well, not yet anyway.

Amy glances over at her every now and then and when it finally gets slightly annoying, Karma asks,

“What?”

“Nothing,” Amy says quickly, smiling. “It’s just that you look constipated.”

“ _Constipated_?” Karma repeats, laughing, “You’re vocabulary is getting profoundly better.”

“Uh-huh.” Amy looks around, eyeing people’s backs and watching out for god-knows-what. She decides that it must be safe then because she stops, turns to Karma and kisses her quietly. Her lips are soft and yielding, making Karma feel as if she’s been reunited with a long missing piece of herself but the kiss ends just as quickly as it came. The auburn-haired girl lets out a moan and Amy chuckles.

“Hang in there, horndog,” she says, rubbing soothing circles against Karma’s back, “We’ll be back home soon.”

 


	17. Out and Scared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Karma?” her mother says, approaching her warily. “Are you okay? Your calendar states that you’re going to have a major cosmic shift in this point of your life.”
> 
> “Tell me about it,” Karma mumbles, averting her mother’s intense green gaze.
> 
> “So, has Liam stopped by?” Her mother’s tone changes. She’s always liked Liam.
> 
> “Yeah, he has,” Karma finds herself saying even though her mind is a million light years away. She’s thinking about Amy, her blonde curls, pale green eyes and the smile she always wears, the smile that always melts Karma’s heart. “Mom, I need to tell you something.”
> 
> Her mother steps back, frowning. “I can detect from your aura that this is serious.”
> 
> “It is.”
> 
> “Go on then.”

 

Karma’s phone starts buzzing in her pocket. She digs it out and swipes the screen off, revealing a name she hasn’t seen in quite a while now.

_“Mom_?” she mouths to herself, stopping on the way to her class.

Her mother hasn’t called in a few weeks now, only managing to send the occasional texts telling her that she’s been busy because of work and that she misses her daughter. Karma sends the same short texts that kind of leaves everything hanging and leaves too much unsaid. The truth is, Karma has been meaning to tell her mother about Amy but the idea of confessing something _that_ big through text or call makes it inappropriate.

And now, her mother is suddenly calling, which leaves a bad aftertaste in Karma’s mouth and an uncomfortable feeling in her stomach. She looks around her surroundings, immediately spotting the fountain. The place always calms her, because it’s where she fell for Amy and it’s where Amy told her she loved her. The memory jolts some butterflies in her stomach, giving her the courage to take a deep breath and answer the call.

“Hey, mom,” she tries to say cheerfully.

“Karma,” her mother says with a touch of exasperation. “Why did you take so long?”

“I—I just got of the shower,” Karma lies, mentally slapping herself as she leans against the fountain, the water splashing softly against her back.

“Its 3 pm in the afternoon!” Molly Ashcroft says and it’s obvious that she doesn’t believe her.

_Damn it_ , Karma thinks, slightly starting to panic now. She looks down at her watch and sees that she’s already ten minutes late to her next class. She runs her fingers through her auburn curls and tries to think. Her mother can always tell when she’s lying so there’s no use in prolonging the inevitable now.

“Why are you calling?” she asks, changing the subject immediately.

If Molly detects the fear and hesitation in her daughter’s face, she doesn’t comment on it.

“I’m heading to your university right now,” the older woman says and Karma hears horns blaring in the background.

Karma’s stomach drops to the ground and she holds onto the fountain as if her life depends on it. Her eyesight goes blurry and her head starts to swim. She feels as if she’s going to puke but she holds the bile in. Why on earth is her mother heading to her school? What the hell does she want? Karma can already sniff that Liam has something to do with this. Oh God, did he tell her? Did he tell her that she has Amy for a roommate? Karma can already imagine the horror and disgust in her mother’s voice when she finds out.

“May I ask why?” Karma asks, in a false cheery tone.

“Is it such a crime for a mother to want to see her daughter?” her mother says, sounding falsely hurt.

Karma doesn’t laugh. She’s too petrified. Her fingers are shaking and she can’t think straight. Already, her head is making up conversations, voices that belong to her mother saying, ‘Those types of girls are disgusting!’ or ‘It’s such an abomination that they are like that!’ If she ever hears the older woman saying that in front of Amy, then Karma knows she’ll die.

“Where are you now?” Karma says, trying to hide the catch in her voice.

“Just an hour away,” her mother answers. “I’ll call you when I get there, okay?”

“Sure.”

“I love you.”

Karma closes her eyes, willing the tears back in. “Love you too,” she murmurs and her mother hangs up.

She puts down her phone, shoves it into her bag and sits in front of the fountain, scared and fearful. She doesn’t know what to do, what she’ll say when her mother comes here and demands to see her room. And what about Amy? Karma imagines the hurt and betrayal in the blonde’s face and her heart nearly collapses with guilt. She wipes off the incoming tears and takes a deep breath. There’s only one thing left to do.

She has to tell her.

She has to come out of the closet.

.

She tries calling Amy. Several times. Tries to warn her that their room is off limits but the blonde doesn’t answer.

Karma curses softly. She remembers Amy telling her that she has a midterm today so she can’t answer any calls or texts, even though she wants to. Today is bad enough, with her mother coming in unannounced but if Amy doesn’t know…

She’s already outside the gates when she sees her mother’s car rolling in from the highway. Her breath catches in her throat and in that moment, she realizes just how much she misses her. Sure, she’s terrified of what she’ll say but the woman is still her mother, the person who went to her graduation ceremonies and birthday parties, alongside her father.

The sight of her also doesn’t make Karma feel any better.

“Karma!” her mother calls when she emerges from the car, wearing sunglasses and too many necklaces for Karma to start counting. Despite the situation, the auburn-haired girl finds herself smiling as she approaches the woman, spreading her arms wide and letting herself be enveloped with the warmth of another body pressed against hers. She inhales sharply, missing the scent of her mother’s perfume, jasmine scented with the touch of lavender.

“I missed you,” Karma murmurs, willing the urge to cry to go away.

“Me too, honey,” her mother says, running her hand down Karma’s head, a movement that releases all of Karma’s anguish. Within seconds, the front of her mother’s shirt is soaked with her tears and she’s sobbing, unable to say what she wants to say. She wants to tell her mother about Amy, wants to tell her about her feelings, of falling in love with someone you know you shouldn’t be with but there’s no way Molly Ashcroft would understand. Instead, she just lets her tears fall and when she finally manages to calm down, her mother is still smiling.

“Come on,” the woman says, wiping off Karma’s tears, “Let’s go see your room. I want to meet your roommate as well.”

Karma doesn’t answer. What else can she do?

.

Karma is still unsuccessfully trying to call Amy but after trying to divert her mother’s attention, it’s obvious that time is running out. When the clock strikes 6 pm and they’ve already circled the campus, her mother says, with a voice that’s slightly put off,

“Come on, honey. I have to get back to work the first thing tomorrow. I’ll check your room and then I can go.”

“But why does it have to be my room?” Karma asks, probably for the millionth time.

“The room reflects the personality, dear,” her mother answers, ever patiently and it’s the end of the conversation because Karma finds herself trudging up the stairs and desperately praying to God that Amy gets home late.

When they reach her room, Molly lets out a surprised gasp when she sees the neatness of the surroundings. She gushes about Karma being all nice and tidy now, since back in high school, she used to be such a mess. Karma laughs nervously, knowing that it’s not her fingers who made this place clean. Amy. God, she misses her.

“Oh!” her mother suddenly exclaims, picking up a book from Amy’s shelf. “Have you been reading?”

Karma rubs the back of her neck, glancing down at her phone every now and then. “Yeah, I have.”

“ _Every Day_ ,” her mother states out loud, flipping through the pages carefully and reading the summary on the back. “It sounds interesting. Oh. It’s like astral projection, a new take on souls, am I correct? I taught you about that, remember?”

“Yeah,” Karma says, only half listening to their conversation.

“Do you believe in soul mates, Karma?”

“Sometimes.”

“Well, there are many theories about souls. I can name a few.” Her mother sighs fervently, tapping her finger against her chin. “There was a story about Zeus splitting humans apart and those said humans have to go on to the ends of the world to search for their better halves.  And then there was another, a story about soul mates being made from the same stardust. But you know what, the best theory I heard was that there is no predestination or said explanation for wanting to be with someone. It’s this quote that I read a long time ago. ‘Then my soul met yours and it went ‘Oh there you are.’”

Karma looks up, feeling as if a heavy weight has just settled over her shoulders. Her mouth opens slightly because in that one second, in the one second where her mother sighs, in the one second it takes for her to catch her breath, Karma realizes that those words are exactly how she feels about Amy.

Because their love is not predestined, well she wouldn’t know but it doesn’t feel that way. Their love is not something the universe intended because if it were like that, it would feel as if they wouldn’t have a choice, it would feel as if it’s just something out of a script that they have to follow. But Karma _does_ have a choice. She had a choice when she found Amy the night they first went inside the cafe. She had a choice when Liam kissed her in his car.  She had a choice when Amy walked away.

And she’s always chosen Amy.

And she knows that she’s going to choose her over and over again.

“Karma?” her mother says, approaching her warily. “Are you okay? Your calendar states that you’re going to have a major cosmic shift in this point of your life.”

“Tell me about it,” Karma mumbles, averting her mother’s intense green gaze.

“So, has Liam stopped by?” Her mother’s tone changes. She’s always liked Liam.

“Yeah, he has,” Karma finds herself saying even though her mind is a million light years away. She’s thinking about Amy, her blonde curls, pale green eyes and the smile she always wears, the smile that always melts Karma’s heart. “Mom, I need to tell you something.”

Her mother steps back, frowning. “I can detect from your aura that this is serious.”

“It is.”

“Go on then.”

“Well, this is going to be diff—” But she doesn’t get to finish because the door swings open and Karma inhales sharply, recognizing the same fragrance of lemon soap and perfume that wavers into the room. She whips around, her eyes widening when she sees Amy frozen by the doorway.

Strands of blonde hair has escaped her ponytail, giving her this ruffled and messy look. She looks exhausted and her lean frame is sagging under her bag, which is filled with all of her books and notebooks. She’s wearing a black tank top with a red polo shirt thrown over it and her jeans are torn, showing off her skinny knees. She’s slouching but when her green eyes drift to Karma’s mother, she straightens up, panic and fear flashing across her face.

“Hello,” Molly says, sounding fake cheerful. “And you are?”

Karma’s confidence immediately gets squashed down when she sees the look in her mother’s eyes. She glances over at Amy and gives her head a slight shake.

“I’m Amy,” the blonde says immediately, “I’m from across the hall. I was just going to pick up a book Karma borrowed from me.”

“Right,” Karma says, catching up. She turns to the bookshelves, grabs a random book and walks over to Amy. As their eyes meet and their fingers brush, she mouths, “I’m sorry.”

Amy nods stiffly and then she walks away, her shoulders slouched. Karma’s heart breaks as she watches. Then she closes the door and turns back to her mother who is clenching her fists tight. Her face is a mask of disgust and repulsion and Karma’s heart breaks a bit more.

“Abominations,” Molly says under her breath and then she’s ranting again, telling Karma all the things Karma knew as a kid already but back then, it didn’t hurt. Well, it hurts now. Completely. It’s almost as if she’s drowning but she just can’t fucking die.

Karma glances back at the doorway. To her surprise, she spots a shadow moving from the bottom and she bites her lower lip, fighting back the tears once more.

_Oh, Amy_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be super busy by tomorrow because I have to study but don't worry, I'll still be able to post a chapter because it's going to be the best one ;)


	18. Always Been There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Its okay, Karma. I get it.”
> 
> Karma sits down on the bed, reaching out and touching Amy’s cheeks. “You do?”
> 
> “Yeah.” Something’s wrong. Something has changed in Amy’s tone. She sits up, running her fingers through her hair and glaring at the floor. “I get that your mother doesn’t like me—hates me, even. I get that you’re trying to pretend that everything is okay even though nothing is. I get that I’m just a secret to you! What the hell are we even doing, Karma? Why on earth did you choose me?”
> 
> Karma feels as if the world has just slipped from her fingers. She stands up, shocked and fear stabbing a hole into her chest.
> 
> “What are you trying to say?” she demands, her voice cracking.
> 
> “You’re ashamed of me!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I suck at keeping promises but hey, at least the latest chapter is here right? Anyway, this might be a bit M rated (and when I say bit, I mean really really M rated) so that's just a heads up m'okay?

The door opens and Karma, half awake and half asleep, raises her head from the table surface, brushing off the unruly strands of her auburn curls from her vision when she sees Amy standing by the doorway, her entire clothes slightly drenched. It must’ve been drizzling outside. Her green eyes, which seem puffy and red, are downcast as she moves towards the bed, sitting down on the mattress and sighing. A silence collects over them both and Karma’s heart is heavy with the guilt crushing her.

“Amy,” she starts to say, standing up from her study table and walking over to the bed. The blonde is gazing hard at the ceiling, averting Karma’s stare. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for my mom to barge in all of a sudden. You have to believe me, I was going to tell her about us but then—”

“But then I walked in,” Amy cut off sharply, turning her head to look at her. Karma’s breath clogs in her throat. The other girl’s green eyes are steely and cold, as if all the life has been sucked out of them. “Its okay, Karma. I get it.”

Karma sits down on the bed, reaching out and touching Amy’s cheeks. “You do?”

“Yeah.” Something’s wrong. Something has changed in Amy’s tone. She sits up, running her fingers through her hair and glaring at the floor. “I get that your mother doesn’t like me— _hates_ me, even. I get that you’re trying to pretend that everything is okay even though nothing is. I get that I’m just a secret to you! What the hell are we even doing, Karma? Why on earth did you choose me?”

Karma feels as if the world has just slipped from her fingers. She stands up, shocked and fear stabbing a hole into her chest.

“What are you trying to say?” she demands, her voice cracking.

“You’re ashamed of me!”

The words are like a punch to the gut. She opens her mouth but no words come out.

“Face it, Karma!” Amy continues harshly, tears pooling in her eyes. “I’m the type of person who will never be able to ask your mom if I can ever marry you. I’m the type of person who will never be able to ask your mother what you were like as a kid because she _hates_ me and you’re ashamed of me. And since you’re such a good scared little girl who wants her mother’s approval so badly, you would rather lie about who you are than confess it to the world!”

Karma feels as if she’s been slapped.

“Do you really think that lowly of me?” she asks, her voice cracking a bit more.

“Well, it’s goddamn true!” Amy retorts.

“Amy, I love you!” Karma yells but Amy shakes her head, too absorbed in her pain to understand that the words that just came out of Karma’s mouth are nothing but the truth. “Don’t you get that? I love you. I want to be with you. You make me happy beyond reason.” She stops, takes a deep breath that rattles her lungs. “And I told you, I was about to tell her—”

“But you didn’t,” Amy spits, crossing her arms, “because you’re still scared.”

“Amy.” Karma closes the distance between them both, stretching her hands to clasp the blonde’s. Amy squeezes her eyes shut. “Please. I don’t care about what my mom thinks because I care about _you_ but you have to understand, I need more time.”

“I can’t do this, Karma,” Amy says, her face falling.

“No, you have to trust me.”

“Karma.”

“I love you.”

_I’m losing her_ , she realizes when Amy doesn’t answer. She has to do something, make the other girl understand. Sure, she’s done some stupid things in the past few hours but she can’t bear to lose Amy, the one person whom she loves more than anyone else right now. Even though she knows that she has fucked up, she knows that she’s not going to let Amy walk away this time.

So she kisses her, her lips soft and yielding. Amy starts to resist but Karma grabs her face, refusing to break off the kiss. The temperature suddenly rises and she feels as if her skin is on fire. Lazily, she traces patterns against Amy’s cheeks, sighing in content when the blonde finally relaxes. Then it’s just hands everywhere, skin on skin, Karma murmuring Amy’s name over and over again. Amy parts her lips and Karma slips her tongue in, surprised at her own bold move since she’s never done that before.

She hears Amy moan and all of her concern about the whole situation goes right out the window. Yes, Karma loves her but right now, she wants to bruise and mark the other girl’s skin with her own lips, wants to make sure that the whole world knows that Amy is Karma Ashcroft’s.

The blonde pulls away, gasping for air. Karma bumps their noses together, gazing at her roommate with hooded eyes.

“Are you sure?” Amy asks breathlessly.

“More than anything else,” Karma answers.

There’s something beautiful about the way Amy is looking at her, her face open and innocent, as if she can’t fathom how Karma could ever want _this_.

“You’re not serious, are you?”

To show her that she means business, Karma steps back and quickly pulls off her blouse. The cool air kisses her bare skin and she relishes the way Amy’s breath catches in her throat. She shyly averts her gaze, throwing her clothing into one side of the room as she waits for the blonde to speak.

“You _are_ serious,” Amy squeaks.

“Of course I am,” Karma murmurs, stepping forward and grabbing a hold of Amy’s hand. She meets the blonde’s gaze and lets her touch her chest, right over the rapid beating of her heart. Amy’s face softens. “And if you’re nervous, don’t worry, I am too.”

The anger and pain of the situation before quickly fades away as Amy leans forward and captures her lips. Karma absentmindedly traces patterns against the other girl’s hand. The atmosphere is soft and sweet, as it always is whenever it comes to Amy. 

The kiss deepens and Karma gently pushes Amy down the bed, letting out a strangled laugh when they bump knees and collide their elbows together. Amy lies down on her back, kissing Karma feverishly, her hands everywhere, touching Karma’s collarbone, running her fingers down Karma’s arms, palms pressing firmly against Karma’s breasts. And Karma is trying to keep up with her but it’s almost as if she’s running a hundred miles per hour. She can’t catch her breath but she doesn’t have to because if she does then it will mean breaking off the kiss and she doesn’t want that.

She pulls back, her lips slightly swollen as she reaches out and tugs on the buttons of Amy’s shirt. Amy inhales sharply as she shakes off her plaid shirt, throwing it into one side of the room. Karma feels a tug in her navel, an excitement that’s starting to rise rapidly. She runs her hands down Amy’s arms, hovering over and peppering kisses all over the other girl’s neck. The blonde is breathing hard, gasping for air and her hands are shaking when she gently touches the back of Karma’s bra strap.

“Don’t stop now,” Karma murmurs, surprised at the seductive tone her voice has taken.

Amy’s breath hitches and almost as if she’s an expert, she unlocks Karma’s bra strap. Karma shakes the clothing off, pressing hard against the length of the other girl. She kisses the blonde once more, moaning when Amy’s hands grips her buttocks softly. Her nipples harden and she reaches around Amy’s weight and quickly unlocks her bra strap.

“Whoa, that was fast,” Amy mumbles.

Karma laughs. She leans down and gently sucks on the skin of Amy’s neck. She’s aware that she’s bucking her lips slightly, aware that a heated wetness has taken control of her inner thighs, aware that she’s moaning Amy’s name over and over again.

When the foreplay becomes too much, Karma pulls back, already missing the warmth the other girl is radiating. She impatiently jerks down her jeans, sighing as the cool air kisses her skin, sending goose bumps down her arms.

“Whoa,” Amy says, her eyes trailing down Karma’s body.

Karma blushes under the intensity of her gaze. “Your turn, buttface.”

Amy inhales a breath that rattles her lungs. She reaches down and unzips her pants, shoving them down to her ankles and finally pulling them off. Then Karma attacks her with her lips, placing soft but passionate kisses all over the other girl’s skin. She intertwines their hands together, holding them up over Amy’s head and they stay like that, half naked, except for their panties and it just feels so _perfect_ , being curled against each other, being folded into one without a thought for the world outside. Even though Karma knows that it won’t stay like this forever, she tries to make it last.

Everything immediately shifts when Karma’s hands trail down Amy’s stomach and down to her navel until it keeps going down and down…

Amy pulls away immediately, gauging for Karma’s reaction.

“Are you still sure?” she questions.

“God, Amy,” Karma says, smiling as she leans forward and inhales her smell. “You really need to stop thinking for a second.”

“I can’t do that,” Amy jokes, squirming under Karma’s weight, “I’d be brain dead and I doubt you’d like making out with a dead person.”

“Dork,” Karma exhales the word, “You know what I mean.”

“I do,” Amy mumbles, “and I want to stop thinking right now.”

“Good.”

They lock gazes and Karma moves over to Amy’s thighs, pulling down her underwear carefully. The blonde’s eyes flutter close and she’s breathing unsteadily, her chest rising and falling in an irregular beat. Karma moves up again when the deed is done and when she silences Amy’s moan with her lips, she slips a finger inside Amy’s folds.

She doesn’t what to expect since this is, after all, her first time but Amy clutching to her and gasping for air is something that burns into her brain. She grins and moves her finger, waiting for the blonde’s reaction. She realizes, with a muted fascination, that if you move your finger in a rotating motion then Amy will beg for more or that if you hit this _particular_ spot, Amy will buck her hips. She watches all of these movements, taking note of Amy’s hurried breaths and the sweat on her upper lip. She’s not going to deny that she’s definitely turned on right now and that she’s mentally getting information the next time they do this since that would seem creepy.

When she slips two more fingers in, Amy has to grab her face and kiss her lips to stop from moaning out loud. Then the situation stays that way, Karma fingering the blonde and Amy gasping for breaths that she can’t seem to get.

Amy reaches her climax by the time Karma’s lips are all swollen from the making out. The blonde arches from the bed, squeezing her eyes shut as everything comes and goes, as the said fireworks explode inside her, as pleasure comes off like a bomb. Karma watches her, mouth hanging wide open as Amy’s climax fades off and she drops back down again, sighing in content.

“Whoa,” she murmurs.

“You have no idea how beautiful you look right now,” Karma says, managing a grin as she sits up and straddles Amy’s hips.

Amy gazes up at her. “It’s your turn.”

“Pardon?” Karma’s heart skips a beat.

“Like I said,” Amy repeats and then in a flash, she jumps up, flips Karma on her back and towers over the other girl. Karma laughs. “It’s your turn.”

“Well, I like this side of you, Raudenfeld,” Karma says, smirking as Amy runs kisses down the length of the auburn-haired girl’s body.  “Who knew you could take a lead.”

“I’m just full of surprises tonight,” Amy murmurs and when her lips come in contact with Karma’s inner thighs, all thoughts about talking and flirting go right out the window. Amy goes back up to Karma’s mouth then it’s just clumsy kissing again, lips sliding against one another, skin brushing against skin, Amy breathing right into Karma, all the longing and passion they’ve been holding inside for the past few months finally released. When Amy’s fingers come in contact with Karma’s panties, Karma has to stop herself from climaxing right there.

“Stop teasing,” Karma says through squeezed eyes and gritted teeth.

Amy laughs and tugs on Karma’s underwear, finally throwing it to God-knows-where. Karma bites hard on her lower lip, her heart pounding with anticipation as Amy kisses softly the sensitive spot under Karma’s earlobe. And that’s when Amy slips a finger inside and it’s just pleasure mixed with the longing and passion, constantly exploding in the pit of her stomach, a rapid climax and orgasm making her feel as if she’s flying all over the globe, feeling the exhilaration and excitement only Amy Raudenfeld can only give. All she can think about, while Amy is caressing her folds, is that this is how heaven feels like.

Amy continues fingering her, slipping two more fingers in and all Karma can do is bite hard on her lower lip, not even minding the blood she tastes because damn, this is too good to even be real. Her hands grip Amy’s blonde curls and she’s holding onto dear life because this is _the_ climax, like a thundercloud unleashing all of its powers and Karma arches her back, the way Amy did because she can’t hold it in and stops biting on her lower lip and repeats the blonde’s name over and over again, almost as if it’s a prayer until finally, the orgasm fades and she drops back down again.

Amy kisses her lips once more and collapses on Karma’s side.

“That was hot,” Karma says, sighing.

“It was,” Amy agrees, twisting around so that they can cuddle. Karma reaches down and grabs a blanket, throwing it over their naked bodies. “But I still haven’t forgiven you.”

Karma turns to look at her, pouting slightly. “But I love you.”

Their gazes lock and based on the look Amy is giving her, it’s obvious that the girl knows that this is not a joke.

“You sure?” Amy says quietly, her voice cracking at the edges. “You might get tired of me.”

Karma shakes her head, placing her hands on Amy’s bare waist. “I will never get tired of you,” she says, her voice full of clarity, “I’ve spent months watching you, Amy, staring at your face and wondering if I can ever be able to kiss you or hold your hand. And it’s been like, three days already and I’m still not tired of you. You’re like burned into the back of my eyelids so whenever I close my eyes, you’re there. You’ve always been there.”

Amy inhales sharply and her green eyes flutter close. Finally, she allows herself to smile and it’s the kind of smile that melts Karma’s heart, alongside her internal organs. Their lips are just a breath away but Karma stays still, just staring at the beauty that is the blonde’s face.

“I love you too, buttface,” Amy murmurs, “More than anyone else on earth.”                        

Karma smiles and when she closes her eyes and dozes off to sleep, the last thing she sees is the contented smile on Amy’s face.

 


	19. Feel Like Shit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Well, you’re starting to soften me up. Do you still remember the bitch who called you a dyke just to get pure misery out of you? The same bitch who would cringe whenever you came close?” Karma catches sight of the small smile that has lit up Amy’s eyes.
> 
> “Yeah, I do. I wonder where she went nowadays. I heard she got herself knocked up with that same dyke,” Amy says, playing along, “I heard that she supposedly changed and now she’s this amazing girl who makes someone laugh and fall in love a bit more. I heard that she’s in love with the dyke and that they’re currently living in this fantasy where an asshole guy best friend and a judgmental mom can’t interfere.”
> 
> “Sounds like something from a cheesy romance film,” Karma remarks.
> 
> Amy sighs, dropping her head down the table. She closes her eyes and Karma barely hears the next words that comes out of her lips.
> 
> “If only.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. I know. I'm a shitty person for taking so long to update. And I am so so sorry for that. I've just been really busy with life right now, especially with all of my college exams coming up. And I'm not entirely happy with this chapter but I had to get something out. Anyway, you might want to expect a showdown between two characters.

“Wake up, buttface,” Amy mumbles, her breath tickling Karma’s ear.

Karma keeps her eyes closed and snores softly. She doesn’t wake up; she’s scared that if she will, then she’d have to face the crumbled reality she left behind. She just wants to stay in this bed, Amy’s arms wrapped around her waist, as if she’s afraid of letting go. She wants to stay here and pretend that they’re the only ones left in this goddamn world.

“Karma,” Amy murmurs, dragging her fingers against the girl’s exposed neck, “We’ve got classes to go to.”

“I don’t want to go.”

She can hear the smile in the blonde’s voice as she says, “If you fail in college, you’ll fail at life.”

“I don’t need to fail at anything else,” Karma says, “If I don’t fail you, that’s good enough for me.”

There’s a hushed silence and then Karma feels Amy shifting her weight. She feels the blonde moving off the bed and then walking around the room. The silence makes her uncomfortable, makes her heart twist on itself and she sighs into her pillow, opening her eyes and sitting upright. Amy is now wearing her underwear, the underwear Karma tore away last night. She blushes at the memory and runs her fingers through her auburn curls.

“Amy,” she calls out.

Amy flips her blonde hair to the side and turns around. Her green eyes are soft and loving, pulling at the strings in Karma’s heart.

“I thought you didn’t want to go to class,” she murmurs, walking over and sitting next to her.

Karma clumsily takes her hand. “I don’t,” she says, “but if you’re not here, then what’s the goddamn point?”

Amy smiles and their noses bump together when the blonde leans forward to kiss her. The kiss is sloppy and uncoordinated, mostly because they’re smiling too much to kiss each other properly.  When Amy pulls back, Karma lets out a low moan.

“Watch it, Ashcroft,” she says, smirking, “I think you’re becoming too clingy.”

.

There’s something different about Naomi.

Karma notices it right away, the moment she meets the other girl in their shared Economics class. Usually, Naomi would be babbling about things like homework and a concert or this new coffee shop that opened downtown but now, she’s just quiet, which Karma finds uneasy. She always tells herself that the day Naomi Rosier stops smiling, it’s the day the world stops spinning on its axis.

“Naomi,” Karma says, joining her as they enter the classroom.

Naomi glances over at her. She’s still incredibly pretty, with her vibrant blue eyes and soft expressions but it’s the frown that throws Karma off the edge. She’s not used to seeing Naomi all frowns and no smiles. It’s like seeing a sunny sky even though there’s a freaking blizzard. They just don’t mix up and the thought stabs a newfound wave of guilt against Karma’s chest, making her feel as if she can’t breathe right. It’s her fault Naomi is looking like that, after all. She stole Amy away, even after all the hurtful things she said. If there’s anybody in the world who deserves Amy Raudenfeld, it’s Naomi.

But Karma’s selfish that way.

“Hi,” Naomi responds, nodding as they find their usual seats. Her body posture is rigid and tense, making Karma feel as if their conversation is a battlefield and they must always stand on guard.

“How are you? We haven’t talked much, lately,” Karma says casually.

Even though it’s a perfect opportunity to make some snide comment, Naomi just shrugs. “Yeah, we’ve both been busy.” Her tone is nothing but truthful and Karma feels that guilt again, drowning her in the waters of self-loathing and agony. Naomi is too sweet and naïve to be a bitch, too caring to understand that sometimes, you just need to hurt people. The fact worsens the gnawing pit in Karma’s chest.

“How’s Shane?” Karma asks again.

“He’s okay,” Naomi says, after giving a thoughtful look. “He’s been missing you and…Amy.”

There is hesitation there and Karma isn’t dull enough not to notice the pain underneath Naomi’s words.

“Well, maybe we can hang around next time,” Karma says, “I’ll tell Amy to meet us later at the café. It’ll be like old times, right?”

Naomi looks up at her. It seems like this is first moment where their gazes finally lock but it takes a few seconds for the other girl to answer, “Sure. Why not?”

“Awesome.” Karma grins.

The smile Naomi wears after that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. 

.

“Wait, what?”

Amy stops nuzzling Karma’s neck and leans back, the shock plain on her face as Karma twists around to look at her. They’re in the library, at the very back of the wide spacious room, surrounded by hundreds of towering bookshelves. It’s not that crowded but to be safe, Karma has managed to stack up columns of books on their table to hide their flirtatious intentions. Karma’s hand has been on Amy’s knee for a while now, getting dangerously close to her inner thigh but after Amy’s puzzled look, she quickly puts it away.

“I told Naomi that we’d catch up with her and Shane,” Karma repeats, frowning when she sees the disbelief in Amy’s green eyes.

“Really?” The blonde says, leaning her chin against her fist.

“What?” Karma narrows her eyes at the dubious look Amy has on her face.

“Nothing but…” She sighs and tucks a strand of auburn hair behind Karma’s right ear. “Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

Karma’s frown deepens. “And why isn’t it a good idea?”

Amy gets the look on her face she always gets whenever Karma says something stupid, which is starting to happen on a daily basis nowadays. Karma leans forward, quirking an eyebrow because seeing Amy get frustrated makes her laugh sometimes. Not to mention, it’s endearingly adorable.

“Because I _know_ you, Karma,” Amy says, a bit breathlessly because Karma inches a bit closer. Their noses are just centimeters apart and Karma is too engrossed in the hazy glow of Amy’s green eyes to care much about their surroundings. She throws away the fact that they are in a public place and instead places her fingers on the crook of Amy’s elbow, pulling her close and just brushing their lips together. Amy smiles and pulls back, chuckling at the pout that appears on Karma’s face.

“And?” Karma says, only half paying attention to the conversation because she’s too focused on the way Amy is looking at her.

“And I know how you feel around Naomi,” Amy continues, insisting on looking at her even though Karma is starting to tense up at the mention of the name. “You think that she’s beautiful and that she’s kind and she’s a gentle person. You think that she’s better than you _and_ you also think that I should be dropping everything and running after her because you think that you don’t deserve me.”

Karma goes quiet. It’s not that what Amy has said isn’t true but it’s that it literally makes Karma speechless. It’s almost as if Amy has reached out into her head and pulled all the incoherent thoughts into coherent words. And even though Karma should be downright denying everything the blonde has told her, she doesn’t because she’s tired of pretending. She’s spent _months_ pretending that her feelings for Amy were nonexistent and she’s tired of it. She’s tired of pretending that everything is okay, tired of pretending that Amy isn’t one of the most beautiful people Karma has ever gotten the chance to meet.

So she leans forward and kisses the blonde, her lips soft and yielding and it almost feels as if Karma is singing a song now, baring her soul for Amy to listen in to. And Amy gladly listens.

When they pull away, Amy is watching her carefully.

“What?” Karma says innocently, leaning back and tracing patterns against Amy’s knee.

“I expected a tantrum,” the other girl admits, sighing as she glances back down at her English book, “or at least a few choice words. I was _not_ expecting that kiss.”

“Well, you’re starting to soften me up. Do you still remember the bitch who called you a dyke just to get pure misery out of you? The same bitch who would cringe whenever you came close?” Karma catches sight of the small smile that has lit up Amy’s eyes.

“Yeah, I do. I wonder where she went nowadays. I heard she got herself knocked up with that same dyke,” Amy says, playing along, “I heard that she supposedly changed and now she’s this amazing girl who makes someone laugh and fall in love a bit more. I heard that she’s in love with the dyke and that they’re currently living in this fantasy where an asshole guy best friend and a judgmental mom can’t interfere.”

“Sounds like something from a cheesy romance film,” Karma remarks.

Amy sighs, dropping her head down the table. She closes her eyes and Karma barely hears the next words that comes out of her lips.

“If only.”

.

“Where have you two been?” Shane demands when Amy and Karma step inside _Café Shops_.

Karma throws a glance at Amy as Shane envelops her in this hug that nearly cracks all her ribs. She laughs because she misses the boy, misses the way he always seems to be perfectly spot on in his fashion, and misses the way he smells of expensive cologne and designer hair gel. She clutches at the back of his shirt, running her hands over his shoulder blades as she watches Amy approach Naomi carefully, who has stood up to honor this little reunion.

“Hey,” Amy says, smiling that adorable boyish smile that throws Naomi off guard.

“Hi,” the other girl says and they embrace each other briefly. Karma notices the way Naomi’s gaze drift towards her.

Shane leans back, his dark eyes twinkling as he takes in both of his gal friends.

“Missed you both so much,” he gushes, “I can’t wait to tell you all of the recent gossips I’ve been ehearing about. I think Naomi’s ears are going to fall off if I keep going on and on about Terry Daniel’s recent profile picture on Facebook.”

“I heard they were scandalous,” Amy pipes in and Shane nods eagerly, already shooting off a tale concerning Terry Daniel’s unfortunate tale concerning a frat party, a jump in a pool without some clothes on and a guy with a very good camera angle. Karma half listens to the conversation as she settles into the seat next to Amy and across Naomi. She can tell that the other girl is uncomfortable with their old routine and it makes Karma uneasy as well. Things have changed, or maybe Karma’s perspective has.

When Shane has finished recounting the story, Amy turns her attention to Naomi, even though her hands reach for Karma’s.

“How are you?” the blonde asks shyly, “We haven’t gotten the chance to catch up with each other yet.”

“Fine,” Naomi says, her tone wary, “There’s not much to catch up on in my life.” She stops, tilts her head to the side so that her hair falls on one shoulders. She eyes Karma and Amy’s close proximity. “Anyway, how are the two of you?”

“Great,” Karma immediately answers, laughing forcibly when Shane gives her a puzzled smile. “We’ve just been dandy.”

Based on the look Amy is giving her, Karma knows that she’s said something stupid. She can’t help it. Every time she’s nervous, she always gets this word vomits that makes her say things she normally wouldn’t say. She takes a deep breath and smiles, relaxing a bit when Amy squeezes her hand.

“Anyway, have you guys ordered yet?”

“We were waiting for you,” Shane answers, leaning back and waving for Lauren to come by. He seems awfully good at the pretending that his three best friends aren’t having a tense moment right now. Karma envies him quietly.

The situation has gone worse by the time they finish ordering. Karma starts struggling for the next topic and there might possibility that her word vomit issue has already passed. She doesn’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing because there’s apparently nothing left for her to say. No recent events have come to mind and there’s not even a fucking homework assignment that Karma can ask Naomi. So instead of trying to soothe the broken remains of a friendship, she goes along with Shane’s exaggerating anecdotes about teachers and guys trying to ask him out in the most discreet way possible.

She looks over at Amy every now and then, admiring the calmness of the blonde. Even though she should be the one freaking out about this whole meeting (Naomi is in love with her, after all) she seems as easy going as ever, laughing and smiling at the appropriate times and asking questions spot on. The more Karma watches her, the more she realizes that yes, she’s seriously in love with this girl. (Goddamn butterflies.)

Her thoughts are interrupted when her phone rings. She glances over at Amy subconsciously before digging the mobile out of her pocket and checking to see who is calling.

Her stomach drops when she sees Liam’s name.

“I gotta take this,” she mutters to the group, sliding out of her seat and heading outside. She can feel Amy’s hard gaze burning a hole between her shoulder blades but for once, she ignores the other girl. This phone call—and possibly her only chance of regaining Liam’s friendship and trust—is more important at the moment. She heads outside, preferring not to be eavesdropped on and presses answer.

“Hello?”

“Karma.” Liam sounds a bit surprised to be hearing from her. “I didn’t think you’d pick up.”

“Nice to know you still think that highly of me.” There’s a pause and Karma inhales sharply, wondering what on earth she’s doing. She doesn’t even why she wants Liam back in her life, doesn’t know why the thought of him brings back good memories even though there should be bad ones so she chews on her lower lip and says, “Look, can we talk? Face to face? I don’t think it’s a good idea to talk to you through the phone.”

Liam grows quiet. The silence makes her jittery. Finally, with a resigned tone, he says, “I’m just around the corner.”

“What? Are you stalking me?” she means it in a joke but when Liam doesn’t laugh, she grows nervous.

“I’ll see you in a bit,” he says instead and hangs up.

.

When she meets Liam under the oak tree a few yards away from the café, he looks constipated, his face tight with indignation and determination. It’s definitely something Amy would say.

“Hey,” he says when he reaches Karma. He’s wearing a tight green shirt which defines his lean frame and Karma can’t help but admire just how _gorgeous_ her best friend is. It’s almost as if he’s popped out of a romantic movie or something with his dark hair, warm hazel eyes and five o’clock shave on his face. He’s like Robert Pattinson, except younger and fuller with life. Most girls would be feeling absolutely lucky to have him in their lives—a loyal never ending bright flame of integrity and support and Karma _does_ feel lucky. It’s just a shame that Liam just has to be in love with her.

“Hi,” she says pleasantly enough because a smile eventually breaks out on his face. He’s never been the type to stay mad at her.

“Been a long time since we’ve seen each other,” he says.

“Few weeks, at the most,” she corrects.

Liam’s smile widens. “You always keep track of time.” He stares at her, the love and adoration in his eyes making her uncomfortable. “Okay, we need to start talking about Amy,” he suddenly says without warning, the look in his eyes fading as he takes an interest in his shoelaces.

“Wait, what?” Karma is jarred by the sudden turn of topic. Of course, she knows that they should definitely talk about their relationship but she hadn’t been expecting for him to talk about _hers_. Besides, she didn’t like the way his tone sounded when he mentioned Amy. Hell, she doesn’t like the way her name comes out of his mouth.

He looks up, clearing his throat and rubbing his neck. “Look, I don’t know how to say this but I think you’re confused, Karma,” he begins, his voice smooth and calm. The words take a while to sink in and when it does, Karma feels as if she’s been slapped in the face. She doesn’t need a guy like Liam—a homophobic guy who can’t take no for an answer—to spell it out that he thinks her relationship with Amy is just a fucking phase. Anger curdles in her stomach and even though she knows that her breath will probably be just wasted on him, she can’t help but spit out,

“Yeah, and why do you think so? Just because I didn’t hump your dick doesn’t mean I’m confused, okay?”

Liam’s mouth drops in outrage and he says, “What? Of course not! Why would you—?”

Karma lets out a laugh that surprises them both. “This must be some straight guy’s dream, right?” she sneers. “Set a lesbian straight? I mean, it’s like the number one achievement somebody can get—”

“Karma!” Liam shouts furiously. His face darkens. “I am trying to look out for you!”

“This is your definition of looking out for me?” Karma demands, stepping closer and stabbing a finger at his broad chest. “Sabotaging my relationship? Making me feel like shit when I already do? Trying to ruin whatever happiness—”

“I don’t want you to feel shitty,” he interjects, his voice displaying anger but also hurt, “but if you want me to be perfectly honest, I definitely think that you _should_ feel shitty because what you’re doing is shitty, Karma. Beyond shitty.”

She laughs again. “And can you tell me why, exactly?”

“Why? _Why_?” He looks so startled by the question that Karma’s anger simmers down a bit but the emotion returns when he opens his big fat mouth again. “Karma, you’re being selfish. You’re not thinking straight! I know, I know, you might believe that you’re in love with Amy and you probably are but do I have to remind you that your mother _hates_ the thought of Amy? Do you seriously think she’ll accept you just like _that_?” He snaps his fingers and the sound kind of jolts Karma from whatever angry outburst she was about to get herself into. “Karma, are you seriously willing to risk your family just for some girl you met in college? Because I don’t want that and I’m pretty sure that you don’t want that as well!”

“You know what I _do_ want?” Karma says, her voice perfectly calm as she takes a step back, distancing herself from someone whom she thought would support her in every decision she makes. She’s wrong now and the realization leaves a weight heavier than anything she’s ever known on her heart. “I want you gone. I want to not see you ever again. I want to not feel guilty every time I look at your face. I want to be happy, with Amy, if you want me to spell it out for you!”

“Karma, you’re making a huge mistake—”

“Leave me alone, Liam!” she nearly yells and her voice cracks and damn it, she _hates_ herself for wanting to cry. The tears sting the back of her eyes and Liam just looks at her, pain and shock masking his features.

“Fine,” he manages to say, throwing a look back at the café, “but don’t come running to me if your mom ever kicks you out.”

The words hurt but she forces down the sob rising in her throat and says, “I don’t have to. I have Amy, remember?”

He throws one last disgusted look at her before turning around and storming off. Karma takes a deep breath and finally allows the tears to fall. She doesn’t head back to the café. Instead, she runs to the opposite direction, gasping for air.

 


	20. Don't Deserve You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you ever wonder what would’ve happened if I had fallen in love with you instead?” Amy asks mournfully.
> 
> Karma closes her eyes as Naomi answers, “I try not to think about the impossible.”
> 
> Amy laughs. “It’s not impossible,” she insists, “When we met at the library, there was a potential possibility that I’d fall in love but I guess my heart got stolen long before I saw you. Fate sucks, apparently.”
> 
> There’s another silence.
> 
> Naomi says, “I always thought of you as my rebound. My boyfriend cheated on me, after all and you were so nice that I told myself that if I loved you then the pain would go away. It didn’t, not really.” She takes a deep breath and Karma can already tell that something bad is going to happen.
> 
> “Would a rebound do this?” Amy questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You're not delusional. This really is an update. I know. I know. I'm a fucking piece of shit for taking so long. Guess I've been really busy trying to catch up with PLL and stalking my crush. Haha. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. And please don't kill me once you reach the end.

The doubt and fear hits Karma straight in the face by the time she gets home.

She’s breathless and exhausted and it feels as if there are a hundred needles inside her chest, making it hurt every time she inhales sharply. She stumbles towards the adjoined beds, kicks off her shoes and buries herself in the folds of her blanket, trying to sleep away all of Liam’s hurtful words and painful reminders. She can hear his voice in her head, telling her that she will never be accepted by her mother and that she should feel shitty for what she’s doing.

The silence makes it hard to _not_ think so all she can do there is lie there, silently being engulfed by the warmth of the room and sheer panic that’s starting to bubble inside her stomach. She can’t stop thinking about Liam’s tortured look and the way Amy had looked at her before she left. These images are what keeps her up and she can’t help but feel as if she’s drowning in a sea of regret, doubt and fear. She regrets hurting Liam, regrets hurting Naomi but most of all, she regrets hurting Amy. She’s not a fool, she knows that their relationship isn’t on the steadiest of grounds. She knows that one wrong move can send her tumbling to a black hole, which she knows she’ll never be able to crawl out of. She regrets all the wrong things she’s done and she’s not sure if she can ever forgive herself for it.

Then there comes the doubt. She doesn’t know if Amy _truly_ does love her. How can you learn to love someone who is such a mess, who can’t come in terms with her own goddamn feelings? How can you love someone like Karma Ashcroft? Then there’s the issue with her mother. There’s a small sliver of hope inside her—a bright flame amidst an ocean of darkness that _wants_ to believe there’s a chance that Molly Ashcroft will embrace her with welcoming arms but it’s a small sliver for a reason and she doesn’t know what to do if her mother ever turns away. She doubts her confidence that she can ever stand up for herself. She doubts her willingness to actually come out of the closet. She doubts her relationship with Amy. Liam spoke some volumes of truth, after all. What if it’s just a simple phase? A college knock-off that she’ll later brush off as one of her bitter mistakes? What if she’ll look back at this room and only remember Amy as a mistake she once made—not as the girl whom she knows that she loves right now?

She pushes the blanket off her body and sits up, running her fingers through her auburn curls. Her hair is a mess now and she’s pretty sure that most of her light make-up is a drooping mess. When she reaches out to wipe off some tears, her mascara comes off and taints her fingertips.

Then the fear settles in, which leaves her gasping and wheezing, unable to face anything remotely close to not having her mother around and losing Amy. She’s such a horribly selfish person, she has to laugh. It’s so stupid, that she’s scared—because she’s not so sure what she’s scared of. Is she scared of her mother’s judgment? Is she scared that her relationship with Amy—which might feel like the most genuine thing on earth right now—is nothing more than a phase? Is she scared that Amy will realize what she’s missing out on (Karma’s chest tightens when she remembers Naomi) and leave her?

A knock interferes her thoughts but Karma doesn’t rise to answer the door. Instead, she lies back down again, covering her face with the blanket and feigning sleep by closing her eyes and trying to steady her breathing. The door opens and when she detects a hint of lemon soap and the same tea Amy always buys at the café, she braces herself for the questions.

But Amy doesn’t say anything. Karma hears her moving around the room, placing her stuff on the floor and then changing out of her clothes. Karma keeps her eyes closed but she can imagine the look on the blonde’s face—exhausted and put off. It’s obvious she’s upset Karma left and never came back, especially after a talk with Liam Booker. Karma wonders quietly if this is the wrong move that’s going to send her tumbling into a black hole.

Then the bed shifts and Karma feels Amy’s weight dipping on the mattress. She sighs and Karma’s heart squeezes on itself because it’s such a small heartbroken sound that she almost wakes up and starts peppering the blonde with kisses. She doesn’t, though. She’s not going to do anything to further confuse herself. Nobody needs to make more mistakes now. ( _Amy’s not a mistake_ , she tells herself fiercely but then Liam’s voice rises in the back of her head saying everything that she never wants to hear again, words that are actually the hard bound truth, not the sugar coated fantasy she’s been burying herself in.)

“Karma,” Amy says suddenly, her voice soft. “Are you awake?”

Karma doesn’t say anything. Amy sighs once more and then gets out of the bed. There’s soft footsteps on the ground and some scratching noises ( _she’s writing a note_ , Karma realizes) until finally the door opens and closes, Amy leaving Karma in a state of guilt and confusion. The auburn-haired girl sits up and crawls over to the bedside table where sure enough, there’s a sticky note plastered on the surface. She frowns and picks it up, her eyes tracing every letter:

**Be back soon. Get some rest.**

Just like that. Karma can’t help but feel as if she’s something Amy has just checked off a list. She puts the note down and crawls back under the covers, hating herself for being the shittiest girlfriend on the planet.

.

“You look like shit,” Shane points out the minute Karma walks through the library doors whilst holding her books and a coffee cup. She’s barely had any sleep last night so any attempts of concealing her late night troubles have obviously failed since Shane has the eye of a fashion designer. He knows when something is wrong through the way you put on lipstick this morning. At the moment, he doesn’t say anything, though his gaze seems a bit unsettling.

She plops down on the empty seat next to her gay best friend and sips her drink, praying to God that the bitterness of it might be able to snap some sense back into her. Her life might be in shambles at the moment but at least she’ll be able to score a good grade in her upcoming exams. Well, that’s the plan, the plan she’s _supposed_ to be following if it weren’t for her Amy-induced thoughts.

She opens the first book she picks up and flips to a random page. She tries to read but fuck, the words remind her of Amy in every way. She spots the word _factual_ and all she can think about is how much of a fact her love for Amy is real and how it’s also a fact that she’s going to make a mistake soon enough. Desperately, she proceeds to stare at the words, mouthing them over and over again even though they don’t make much sense at all. Shane, who has been watching her for quite a while, snaps his fingers in front of her eyes and smirks when she jolts her attention to him.

“Okay,” he says, grabbing her book and not so discreetly sliding it away, “What happened between you and Liam?”

“Nothing,” Karma says, drinking her coffee again. Wrong choice. The liquid makes her feel as if her thoughts are on high speed, blurring past her vision without her getting a chance to properly sink them all through. The words that pop out of her mouth are like the sober thoughts a person says when he/she is drunk. “Nothing happened. Well, nothing _bad_ happened. But to be honest, nothing _good_ particularly came out of the situation as well. God, I’m going to ruin this whole thing, aren’t I? Tell me the truth, Shane, do you think I’m going to fuck everything up?”

Shane laughs awkwardly and grabs her hand, his thumb running soothing circles on her palm.

“I think,” he begins to say, “that everybody fucks everything up at one point of their life.” He smiles encouragingly. “You can tell me anything, Karma.”

“I can’t risk that,” Karma finds herself saying but it’s a lie because all the bottled up emotions and feelings she’s been keeping last night are finally being released and she feels as if she’s a dam, spewing out all the good and rotten water that she’s been holding up. She tells Shane everything, about her and Amy, about her and Liam, about her and her mother. And even while she’s talking, she realizes just how completely selfish she sounds, worrying about herself when she should be worrying about Amy’s dejected feelings, Naomi’s wrung out reaction, Liam’s explosive temper. Shane doesn’t seem to think so because a line draws between his eyebrows and he mumbles, “Holy shit” after she’s done baring out her soul.

“Yeah.” Karma takes another sip of her coffee. “I’m a mess right now and I’m pretty sure I’m going to fail in the exams if I keep doing this to myself.”

“Okay,” Shane says, nodding a bit too fast. “First of all.” He gently pries the coffee cup off her grip and puts it away. “You need to get away from coffee. It’s like alcohol for you or something. Second of all, I want you to do something, something you might not like.”

Karma squints at him. She feels jazzed, almost as she’s smoked an entire package of pot, not that she’s ever really tried.

“What?” she mumbles.

“I want you to talk to Amy,” Shane tells her. When she starts shaking her head, he continues relentlessly, “Karma, I’m serious. All these doubts you’re having are pretty normal in a relationship—especially in a lesbian one because everything is new—and you just need to go through it with Amy. Talk it out. Don’t hold anything back. You need to start to learn how to trust each other because remember, you’re in a _relationship_. Everything is related. And I’m pretty sure that Amy’s having the same thoughts as well.”

“How can you be so sure?” Karma murmurs, rubbing her eyes.

“Because when you left yesterday, she got all quiet. And I know that she’s always the quiet type but this was a different type of quiet. She was just sitting there and impatiently staring at her phone. She would never leave a conversation hanging but she did so, hundreds of times with Naomi.” Shane gives her a pleading look. “Karma, even a blind person could see how much she loves you.”

Karma’s mouth clamps shut and she leans back against her chair, tipping her coffee cup until the remaining contents nearly spill over her shirt. She deliberately does this because she can’t bear to look Shane in the eye and see the raw truth eating him up in the inside. She wishes that she isn’t so goddamn scared all of the time. She wishes that her love life doesn’t have any of these ridiculous loose ends that she has to cut off from time to time. She just wishes that she can have the guts to actually stand up and say that she loves Amy Raudenfeld.

“Karma,” Shane says, a bit impatiently.

Karma reluctantly drags her gaze up to meet his. “Yeah?”

“What the hell are you still doing here?”

She doesn’t move. Shane drags his fingers against his cheeks, sighing in frustration.

“You’ve got to get off your ass already, woman,” he mutters, “or else I’m going to drag you over to your dorm room.”

Karma’s lips pull down into a frown as she puts her cup gently back on the table. She gathers her things, swinging the straps of her bag over her shoulders and then stands. Shane watches her carefully and she’s pretty sure that he’s almost trying to set her on fire with his glare if she doesn’t quicken her pace.

“I’m not ready for this shit,” she admits.

“You don’t really have a choice in the matter.”

Karma exhales a breath that seems to rattle her lungs. “Guess you can’t choose the ones you love.”

Shane smiles. “That’s the whole point.”

.

The walk back dorm is uneventful yet oddly peaceful.

Since the caffeine has faded off from her system, all she feels now is a detached exhaustion that seems to pull at her bones. She trudges up the stairs, her books nearly falling off her arms and her feet failing her as they stumble up the steps. Her thoughts are full of Amy and of the past few hours without her. This morning, she woke up facing an empty bed. It seems as if Amy didn’t return from her trip, which left Karma in a despairing situation that lasted the whole day.

She reaches the fourth floor and heads over to her room. She feels as if she just got home from a party and is dreading the moment where she has to face a parent. Stupid teenage rebellion, that sort of thing. She reaches her room and is about to pull out her key when she realizes that the door is already halfway open. She catches her breath and closes her eyes, leaning closely against the doorframe so that she can hear the soft voices inside.

“She’s really lucky you know…”

“Hmm? I always thought I was the lucky one.”

Karma inhales sharply. The first speaker is Naomi. The second is Amy.

“It’s been a crazy year, hasn’t it?” Naomi says.

“Yeah.” There’s something wrong. Karma feels a tug in her stomach. Amy sounds _wrong_. But then she smells the bitter smell of alcohol and she finally understands. Amy has been drinking.

“Amy, stop.” There’s an urgency in Naomi’s tone and when Karma opens her eyes and peeks inside, she sees the girl grabbing a hold of a bottle Amy has somehow acquired. “You need to stop. Alcohol won’t help.”

They’re sitting on the bed, Amy leaning against the bedpost while Naomi stays on the very edge. Amy looks absolutely horrid. Her blonde hair is tied in a messy bun and there are dark shadows under her eyes, which somehow makes the green in them more profound. Karma’s chest hurts just looking at her like this and she knows that she should go inside before something happens but she stops herself. _A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts, after all,_ she thinks glumly.

“I miss her,” Amy admits and she sounds absolutely wretched. “I really fucking miss her. And I know that she’s scared and that she can’t come out yet but I am in love with her. God, I love her. I am so lucky to love her.”

Karma can’t help but smile. They’re recently watched The Fault In Our Stars together and that line has gotten under Amy’s skin. Naomi, however, looks heartbroken.

“Oh my God,” Amy suddenly says, rubbing her eyes, “I’m sorry, Naomi, for dumping my problems onto your lap. I feel like shit right now. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Naomi says, sounding tear soaked. “I understand.”  

“I’m sorry,” Amy repeats.

There’s a pause and Karma realizes that her fingers are starting to shake.

“Do you ever wonder what would’ve happened if I had fallen in love with you instead?” Amy asks mournfully.

Karma closes her eyes as Naomi answers, “I try not to think about the impossible.”

Amy laughs. “It’s not impossible,” she insists, “When we met at the library, there was a potential possibility that I’d fall in love but I guess my heart got stolen long before I saw you. Fate sucks, apparently.”

There’s another silence.

Naomi says, “I always thought of you as my rebound. My boyfriend cheated on me, after all and you were so nice that I told myself that if I loved you then the pain would go away. It didn’t, not really.” She takes a deep breath and Karma can already tell that something bad is going to happen.

“Would a rebound do this?” Amy questions.

Karma pushes the door a bit wider and freezes. Because Amy is drunk and reckless. Because she is leaning forward. Because she is closing her eyes and pressing her mouth against Naomi. The other girl tenses and immediately pulls away, shame and disbelief masking her features. They haven’t seen Karma yet but once they do, it takes Amy a few moments before reality kicks in. Naomi immediately jumps to her feet, her face flushed. Together, they open their mouths but Karma raises her hand, silencing them both.

“Wait,” she says, rubbing her eyes. God, she’s exhausted. She can feel the numb pain taking over and the fact that Amy had just kissed another girl reverberates in her head. She doesn’t know what to do, what to say. The urge to scream comes to mind but she’s too tired. Instead, she stands there, holding her books awkwardly with one arm as she tries to figure out what to do next. She should be angry. Hell, she should be _pissed_ but somehow, she isn’t. Truth be told, she’s actually guilty.

It takes a moment for her to realize _why_.

“Karma,” Amy finally says, sounding sober for a moment. Karma’s gaze lingers on the bottle lying on the floor before it snaps back to the blonde. Amy looks wretched and there are tears pooling in her eyes. Even though her hair is messed up and her eyes are bloodshot, she still looks gloriously beautiful.

Karma doesn’t say anything. Coldly, she stares at Amy and then at Naomi. The guilt chews her up in the inside and it makes her feel as if her intestines are all tangled together. She tries to keep her face blank, however.

“You deserve each other,” she says, her tone full of finality.

Amy sucks a deep breath.

“Don’t say that,” Naomi angrily snaps. Her blue eyes are like fire. “Amy was drunk. It was a mistake.”

“No, the mistake here is me,” Karma says, her voice rising. When Naomi gives her a confused look, she presses on. “I should’ve never went along with this relationship. I don’t have the guts to announce to the world that Amy’s my girlfriend. I don’t deserve her and she should not be waiting around for me to stop hiding in the closet. She needs someone who is willing enough to be there for her, to love her without limits and I’m sorry, Amy, but that’s not me.”

“And you think it’s _me_?” Naomi demands heatedly, “Karma, you can’t choose the ones you love!”

“Why can’t you just do it?” Karma harshly spits out, “Why can’t you just accept my fucking blessing?”

“Because it’s _not_ a blessing, you idiot! It’s a burden!” Naomi whips around to look at Amy, who has sat back down on the bed, looking confused and shocked. “I love Amy, I do! But I’m not going to force a relationship where the other person has to feel like she’s being _forced_ to love me back so screw your so-called-blessing and stop being selfish! Stand up for what you want because nobody else will!”

She reaches down and grabs her bag from the floor. Throwing another disgusted look at Karma, she storms out of the room.

There’s silence. Karma feels as if she’s going to collapse but she manages to keep it together. She looks at Amy, who is staring blankly at her, all life and any kind of emotion devoid from her green eyes, the same eyes Karma loves looking at.

“Is this what you want?” the blonde questions.

Karma wants to scream again. “Of course not,” she snaps, “This is the opposite of what I want.”

“Then why are you doing this?” Amy lurches to her feet and she sounds drunk, all of her thoughts eventually spewing out into the open. Her face is full of anger and pain. “Why do you have to say all of those things?”

“Because they’re all true!”

“Really? So you think you don’t deserve me?” The pain in Amy’s tone makes everything worse. “So what? All those fucking ‘I love yous’ meant nothing? Is this a phase, Karma? Am I nothing more than a mistake now?”

No. No. _No_. This is what Karma has feared the most. This is what Karma has been thinking about last night, when Liam opened an old wound she thought she had bandaged properly. No. She wants to tell Amy that it’s not like that, it’s _never_ been like that. The love that they share—it’s one of the purest and most amazing things Karma has ever had the luck to experience. Amy is not a mistake. She never was. She is the best thing to have ever happened to Karma.

But she can’t say that. She can’t bring Amy’s hopes up. She’s done doing that.

Amy snorts when she doesn’t say anything. “Damn it,” she mutters, “this is like high school all over again.”

“Amy.”

“Don’t.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I loved you!” Suddenly, Amy is exploding, fury plain in her pale green eyes, “I _love_ you. I’m in love with you. Isn’t that enough already? What else do you want me to do? Do you want me to walk up to your mother and ask for her blessing? Is that what you want? Is that what I’m going to have to do, just to get you to _stay_?”

“I don’t want you to do anything,” Karma seethes, “I don’t want any of _this_ anymore!”

It’s a lie. It’s such a fucking lie. Amy should know this but there’s despair written all over her face.

“I’m not going to let you go,” the blonde declares.

“You’re wasting your time.”

Amy’s face tightens and with one defeated shrug of her shoulders, she drops back down on the bed and stays down.

Karma leaves after tucking her in.  


	21. The Right Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you joking?” her mother says, voice pinched with disgust and fear.
> 
> “I’m not,” Amy says and even though her voice is shaking, she still sounds strong.
> 
> Karma should hate her. She has every reason to but she doesn’t. Instead, she loves her even more.
> 
> “How dare you.” Her mother’s voice is stark cold, making Karma shudder. “I would never let my precious daughter be contaminated by the likes of you!”
> 
> Karma covers her mouth, bile rising in her throat. Please, Amy, she silently begs her.
> 
> “Even if your precious daughter loves me back?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to finish this fic before Faking It comes back. I have nine days to do that. Wish me luck.

Karma’s a mess by the time she reaches her mom’s house.

It’s raining and she had to drive three hours just to get here. She’s not even sure if her mom’s home, not even sure if she’s allowed to be here after everything she’s done but she has nowhere else to go to. And the fact makes something inside her collapse and as she gets out of her car, the tears mingle with the rain until she’s pretty sure that the sky is crying for her. She wraps her arms around herself and stands under the witness of the stars, letting the downpour drench her clothes.

She rubs at her eyes until they’re sore but the tears just keep coming—harsher and faster, like a never ending waterfall. The cold reminds her of the stark cold in Amy’s eyes when the lies spilled out and the truth got shoved down Karma’s throat. Even though she knows that this is all her fault, she _misses_ her. She misses her boyish smile and the way her green eyes light up whenever she laughs. She misses the way she smells and the way she kisses her, all soft and sweet, like Karma is something so precious that she has to be careful. And Karma _shouldn’t_ be allowed to miss her.

She wants to blame someone. She wants to blame Liam, for crashing into her life after months of being apart. She wants to blame him for saying all those things, for making her feel like she was doing something wrong even though it was all so right. She wants to be able to reach out into his life and pull at his strings and watch it crumble away. He should be at fault but he isn’t. Even though he’s partly to blame, it all came to Karma’s decision. And it _was_ her decision to break away from Amy, even though it was probably the hardest thing to do.

She staggers up the porch and wipes off her tears. She can’t tell her mother what happened. Of course she’ll ask questions but they are questions meant for another time. Maybe she can convince the older woman to move her to a different college, to a different room, to a different roommate…She shakes off these thoughts because they won’t do her any good. Instead, she raises her fist and knocks three times against the mahogany door.

It takes a while but eventually, she hears footsteps inside and then a soft muffled voice. She braces herself for the unexpected but relaxes when the door swings open and Molly Ashcroft dizzily blinks at her, clutching a bathrobe around her frame.

“Karma?” she asks.

Karma tries to smile but obviously fails. Her face tightens. “Hi, Mom.”

“What are you doing here?” the older woman whispers, reaching out and wrapping the bathrobe around her daughter’s shaking figure. Karma doesn’t even realize that she’s shaking but it becomes evident when she sees her trembling fingers gripping the edge of the fabric. “God, you must be freezing. Come on, we’ll get you some herbal tea.”

Karma tunes out her mother’s worries and focuses on the warmth of her old house. She has to fight back a sob rising in her throat when she remembers all the times she and Liam stayed on that couch and watched TV together. Tears sting the back of her eyes when her gaze falls to the second floor, where her old room is sitting, waiting to be occupied by a daughter who wasn’t supposed to come home at 2 in the morning.

Her mother insists that she stay on the couch, even though she’s dripping wet. Then the woman disappears into the kitchen. As she waits, Karma inhales the smell of herbal tea brewing in the stove, inhales the smell of jasmine and her mother’s perfume. If she focuses hard enough, she might even be able to smell Zen’s cologne, just lying underneath all of the memories of home.

She realizes she’s crying by the time her mother comes back, holding out a cup. Her lower lip quivers as she takes a sip but even the warmth cannot fill the Amy-shaped hole in her chest. She stares at the contents when she’s done and the burning tears fall against the skin of her palm.

“Karma,” her mother calls out to her gently, reaching out to hold her hand. “You can tell me anything.”

“No,” Karma whimpers, “No, I can’t tell you this.”

“Is it Liam?”

“Partly.”

Her mother sighs and leans back against the couch, rubbing her eyes tiredly. “We’ll talk in the morning. For now, I need to get some sleep. Are you okay with that, honey?”

“I’m okay.”

“Do you want to go to your room?”

Karma hesitates. Her room, even though bare and empty at this point, are full of memories of Liam and her. So she shakes her head and politely asks if she can stay in Zen’s old room. Her mother agrees and then leads her up the flight of stairs, where she and her older brother used to run and break their arms most of the time. She manages a smile when she remembers the memory.

“Your Dad can’t be here right now,” her mother says when they reach the door, “His mother is still sick, okay?”

Karma nods way too fast. “Yeah. Yeah. I know.”

“Do you want to take a shower? You could get sick.”

“Mom, I’m just really tired right now. I just want to sleep as well.”

“Sweet dreams.” Molly leans down and presses a kiss against the top of Karma’s head. Karma’s eyes flutter close and she resists the urge to throw her arms around her mother right there and then. She leans back and sniffles, watching as her mother retreats to her own room.

The place smells like Zen when she steps inside. Even though he’s been gone for a good three years now, she can still detect the small hints that he lived here. She can see the dent on the floor where one of Zen’s friends fell from the bed. She can see the scratches on the floor where their old cat, Mrs. Busby, used to stay. She can see the marks on the floor where Zen’s old drum set used to perch. The material things are all gone but the memories are still here, just waiting to be remembered.

Karma crawls into the hard bed and buries herself in the pillows. She tugs the blanket over her face and closes her eyes, desperately willing for sleep to come and sweep her off into the land of dreams.

.

There are voices downstairs when Karma wakes up at the break of dawn. Rubbing the back of her neck, she slips from the covers of Zen’s bed and moves over to the bedside table where a glass of water is waiting for her. She drinks it quietly, her thoughts surprisingly quiet this early morning. There’s nothing much to think about and she can’t help but feel as if last night has wrenched a giant hole in her heart, emptying whatever is left of her feelings.

She glances over at the window, where it’s still slightly dark out. She can see the sun breaking the surface though, illuminating the sky orange. It’s a beautiful sight and she gets transfixed just by looking at it.

Then the voices, which are increasingly getting louder, reach her ears.

“Mom’s supposed to be alone,” she says to herself, her curiosity reaching its peak. She gets out of bed and heads out into the hall, sneaking past the bathroom and her old room, hugging the wall as her hands reach out to grab the railing of the stairs. She’s still a bit dizzy from the lack of sleep. Her clothes are wet, making her shiver as she makes her way down the steps—

“That’s impossible!” her mother’s voice rises above the normal tone and Karma stops walking.

She’s never heard her mother sound so angry before and truth be told, it’s _terrifying_. Something, like a cold fist, grabs her heart and rattles it, making her even stop breathing for a minute or two.

“You don’t want to believe me?” another voice says and Karma’s eyes widen because she _knows_ that voice, spent hundreds of hours listening to it blab about movies and books, woke up to the sound of it, loved and cherished it. It’s the voice that haunts her dreams and her worst fears, the voice of reason, the voice of the person she loves more than anything right now.

It’s the voice of Amy.

“I’m not going to believe anything a dyke says about my daughter,” Molly Ashcroft says, “I’m not going to believe _anything_ you have to say. I’m not going to believe you even if you say that she’s doing drugs or that she’s secretly sleeping with the teacher.”

“Really?” Amy’s voice sounds testy. “She never told you that she has a _dyke_ for a roommate?”

For a minute, Karma’s mother is stunned speechless but then she says, “Say what you want and leave the house already.”

“I’m sorry.” Amy truly does sound sorry and her voice breaks the edges of Karma’s heart, “but the truth is, I am in love with your daughter.”

The words are like a slap to Karma’s face. She inhales sharply but when the oxygen enters her lungs, it feels as if there are a thousand needles inserted in her chest. She squeezes her eyes shut, lurching to the side and gripping the wall to make sure she doesn’t fall. She’s breathing unsteadily, almost like she’s going to start having a panic attack (she experienced that one time, when she came home one day to find out that her Gam Gam had died; only Liam had been the one to make her start smiling again)

And now it’s happening all over again. This is the worst thing that has happened, her nightmare coming true, her worst fear finally turning into a reality; Amy confessing her love to her mother’s face. Oh, God, what’s supposed to happen next? Karma imagines a scenario where she has to pack her bag and leave.

“Are you joking?” her mother says, voice pinched with disgust and fear.

“I’m not,” Amy says and even though her voice is shaking, she still sounds strong.

Karma should hate her. She has every reason to but she doesn’t. Instead, she loves her even more.

“How dare you.” Her mother’s voice is stark cold, making Karma shudder. “I would never let my precious daughter be contaminated by the likes of _you_!”

Karma covers her mouth, bile rising in her throat. _Please, Amy_ , she silently begs her.

“Even if your precious daughter loves me back?”

There’s a tense silence and Karma holds her tears in, willing them not to fall. She doesn’t need to feel them, hot and scalding, against her cheeks. It already feels as if there’s a fire burning inside the pit of her stomach. She wonders how Amy must feel, standing before her mother with everything to lose.

“That’s outrageous,” Karma’s mom interjects heatedly, “My daughter is not gay.”

Karma flinches. She waves on her feet and collapses on the steps, her heart hammering loudly inside her chest. Pain racks through her entire body and she resists the urge to throw up. This isn’t how she has always planned to come out of her mother, but she no longer has a choice in the matter. _Oh, Amy_ , she thinks when she remembers that Amy has just bared out her heart and soul to a woman who is more than willing to throw away those said pieces. The blonde is probably terrified to the core and Karma silently marvels at the phrase: _The things people do for love_.

“Why don’t you go ahead and ask her?” Amy demands. Karma slowly opens her eyes and tries to steadily breathe again.

“I will do no such thing,” Karma’s mom snaps back, “I believe in my daughter and I believe that she’s not a homosexual.”

“How can you do that?” There are loud footsteps suddenly and Amy’s voice sounds hushed the next time she speaks again. Karma has to strain her ears to catch the words. “Decide what she wants? What she is? Has it ever occurred to you that Karma might not follow into your footsteps, to catch a husband and make herbal tea for her perfect little kids? She’s another human being. Not another poor copy of somebody like _you_!”

Silence again. Karma can’t hear anything except for her own labored breathing. Her heart is a rapid and painful throbbing inside her ribcage and it almost feels as if some outside force is shaking it violently. She focuses on its unsteady beating because it’s better than listening to the dead silence that has enveloped the house.

Finally, Mrs. Ashcroft says, “You can say whatever you want but Karma is not like you.”

Amy doesn’t say anything. Molly Ashcroft has the last word.

“Karma,” her mom calls out suddenly and Karma closes her eyes again, realizing that her mother knows her better than anyone else right now. Of course she _knows_ that she’s eavesdropping on their conversation. She knows everything about her daughter. “Come down here. We need to talk.”

Karma staggers up to a standing position and runs her fingers through her auburn curls. She doesn’t know what to do at this point and a wrong move could permanently scar both relationships. She walks down the remainder of the stairs and rounds the corner to the living room, where Amy is standing at a short distance from her mother. They both look like crap; Amy’s hair is tied in a messy ponytail and strands of it curl around her cheeks. Her eyes are bloodshot and she’s wearing a black FOUR YEAR STRONG shirt and khaki pants. So much for trying to impress your girlfriend’s mother on the first meeting. Meanwhile, Molly is wearing a nightgown with a sweater thrown over her shoulders and there are dark shadows under her eyes and lines that aren’t supposed to be wrinkled on her face.

Karma stares at Amy, trying to memorize every inch of her, before everything eventually has to go to hell.

“Karma,” her mother says, with an outraged glance at Amy, “Tell this lesbian that you’re not hiding anything from me.”

There’s a lump in Karma’s throat, a lump she can’t seem to swallow. Her gaze meets Amy’s and it’s obvious that what has happened last night is still a barrier between them both, a wall that the two of them need to overcome in order for everything to be the same again. Karma can see her fear and desperation mirrored in Amy’s eyes.

 _This can’t be happening_ , she thinks to herself, biting her lower lip hard until she draws blood. _Not now, when I’m not even ready._

This is the reason why she broke up with Amy. So that this situation wouldn’t happen, so that Amy wouldn’t have to come out all over again just for _her_ and so that Karma wouldn’t have to look at her mother this way, when she knows that she’s done something completely irreplaceable. She just can’t bear it, can’t bear to see the shattered look in her mother’s eyes, can’t bear to not be the perfect daughter she’s always wanted, can’t bear to be the person she’s always hated.

When she doesn’t say anything, Amy approaches her carefully. She looks petrified but if Karma searches long enough, she’ll still be able to see the belief in them, the strong and never ending belief that Karma will do the right thing.

And it hurts like a bitch because even Karma doesn’t know if she’ll be able to do it.

“Karma,” Amy says, sighing as she stops a few feet from her, “I know you and I both messed up big time last night but I was hoping that it wouldn’t stop _this_. I know that you probably hate me right now but if you want to be honest, I’ll say this. I could never hate you, Karma.”

Karma looks at her, really looks at her and she can’t help but feel as if she’s falling in love with her all over again. She’s never had somebody like Amy before, who is willing enough to go through humiliation, shame, anger and pain just to be with her. Well, there’s Liam but she never felt the same for him.

“Karma,” Amy repeats, reaching out and grabbing hold of her hands. Karma flinches but when her mother doesn’t say anything, she relaxes. The warmth of Amy’s fingers are familiar and soothing, reminding her of nights spent wrapped in each other’s arms.

“Amy,” she murmurs, the lump still clogging her throat. “I—I can’t do this.”

Amy’s lips wobble at the corners. She looks broken. “You can, you know,” she murmurs, “you can do everything and be anything and I’d still accept your decisions, no matter how stupid they might be.”

Karma manages a shaky laugh. She squeezes Amy’s fingers. If she closes her eyes and shuts out the world, then maybe she can pretend that they’re still in that bubble where nobody can get in and destroy the progress they’ve made.

But then she feels her mother’s hard gaze on her and she drops Amy’s hands.

“I’m sorry,” she says, “I’m not—I can’t—I won’t be able to—”

Amy’s face falls and she steps back, looking dangerously close to crying. She takes a deep breath and shakes her head.

“Even after all this time, I’m still not enough for you to try,” she says and her voice is empty, devoid of any emotion, not even pain.

“Amy, please don’t do this,” Karma finds her voice and she’s begging the blonde—begging her not to hate her the way she should be hated. It’s not fair and she knows it but Amy’s her weak spot—she’s always been her weak spot.

“What am I supposed to do, then?” Amy sounds tear soaked, even as she turns towards the front door. Karma stays rooted in her place, even though every part of her is screaming to run back to Amy. Mrs. Ashcroft doesn’t even look remotely happy; there is no trace of triumph or victory in her dark green eyes. When she looks at Karma and Karma looks at her, the younger girl can see that she _knows_.

Karma looks back at Amy, who is wrenching the door open. Before she can storm off, however, she is stopped by Liam standing in the porch and obviously waiting to get inside. He looks like crap as well. His hair doesn’t have its usual shine and there’s a dullness in his warm hazel eyes that Karma is pretty sure she caused. He looks taken aback to seeing Amy and based on the frown on his face, it’s evident that he’s not happy to see her.

“Booker,” Amy says through gritted teeth. “I guess you win. Take good care of her, will you?”

Liam jerks his head once and just like that, Amy walks out the front door, slipping through Karma’s fingers like water.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, there are only two chapters left. Yeah. Give Me Love is finally ending, guys.


	22. Fucked Things Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> College roommates AU where Karma is not entirely fond of lesbians and Amy is unfortunately her roommate.
> 
> “It’s not hard,” she snarls, “If you just didn’t have a bigoted, conceited, selfish view of things then none of this would’ve happened!”
> 
> “Karma,” Liam intervenes roughly, “You know how your mom feels about all of this.”
> 
> “Yeah, and I’m starting to think that it’s not a requirement on my part,” Karma snaps.
> 
> “She’s your mom and she knows what’s best for you,” Liam snaps back.
> 
> “She’s my mom and she’s supposed to support my choices, no matter how stupid they are!” Karma yells. The sadness and guilt quickly explodes into anger, when faced with Liam.
> 
> Liam fumes. “It’s not always going to be that easy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing much really happens in this chapter but I promise you, the next and the last will be really really long because I want it to be raw and perfect. I still can’t believe this fic is going to end, especially five days before season 2. Hope you enjoy!

There’s a ringing in Karma’s ears when the door slams shut behind Amy, a ringing that doesn’t seem to go away, even when Liam approaches her, even when her mother starts demanding an explanation, even when her knees collapse underneath her and she’s sobbing her heart out. She clutches at the carpet, her tears falling onto the fabric as Amy’s face resurfaces every now and then, hurt and angry and disappointed. Karma never wanted to fail her but she has and she can’t  _ever_  be forgiven for that.

Liam’s hands are on her shoulders and she wants to push him away but she can’t she can’t she can’t. She can never be too angry at him. Even when she hates him, she still loves him. That’s how fucked up her relationship with him is. Instead of screaming at him for making her do this, for making her feel guilty when she didn’t have to, for making her ruin an incredible relationship, she buries her nose into the crook of his neck and keeps on crying. He says her name, almost like a prayer and he wraps his too big arms around her body and holds her. Karma squeezes her eyes shut, her chest heaving as she grips his shirt.

“I’m sorry,” she manages to say, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

She doesn’t know why she’s apologizing or who she’s apologizing for but Liam just nods and runs his hand against the back of her head, murmuring, “It’s okay, it’s okay.”

The ringing has faded, resonating to a dull numb feeling that pulls at her insides. Her thoughts aren’t racing. In fact, they move like snails, painstakingly reminding her of every memory she has of Amy. She thinks about the first time they met, the first time they connected, the first time they nearly kissed, the first time they  _did_  kiss, the first night they spent whispering each other’s names and there are a lot of firsts about Amy and maybe that’s why she’s so special. And maybe that’s why it hurts so much just to think about her.

 Karma’s stopped crying but she stays there, buried in Liam’s arms. She doesn’t know how much time has passed but by the time Liam finally manages to coaxes her to stand up, her knees are hurting. She staggers to the couch and immediately latches onto a giant pillow, rubbing her face all over it. She closes her eyes and stays still, her breathing soft and quiet. She knows that Liam is watching her. He’s always been watching out for her. Sometimes, it’s creepy. Other times, like right now, it’s comforting.

A hand touches her shoulder and she opens her eyes, not even the least bit surprised to see her mother hovering over her, holding a cup full of herbal tea.

“We have to talk,” the woman says, taking the empty space next to Karma.

Karma’s gaze drifts to where Liam is sitting, in a chair just adjacent to the couch. “I know,” she says hollowly.

Molly clears her throat as Karma sips her tea. “So,” her mother begins, obviously uncomfortable, “We all heard Amy and this conversation needs to start by clarifying some facts and I would like to know if you and her are—”

“—in love with each other?” Karma supplies, wanting the words to hurt and when she sees her mother flinch, she knows that she succeeded.

“I was going to say ‘roommates’ but if you want to make this harder than it already is, be my guest.” There is some spite in her mother’s tone, sparking an anger in Karma’s stomach.

“It’s not hard,” she snarls, “If you just didn’t have a bigoted, conceited, selfish view of things then none of this would’ve happened!”

“Karma,” Liam intervenes roughly, “You know how your mom feels about all of this.”

“Yeah, and I’m starting to think that it’s not a requirement on my part,” Karma snaps.

“She’s your mom and she knows what’s best for you,” Liam snaps back.

“She’s my mom and she’s supposed to support my choices, no matter how stupid they are!” Karma yells. The sadness and guilt quickly explodes into anger, when faced with Liam.

Liam fumes. “It’s not always going to be that easy.”

Karma sighs angrily and turns back to her mother, who is surprisingly quiet. This is something new, since her mother is a very headstrong and opinionated person. She doesn’t mind the whispers about her strange beliefs and mannerism, doesn’t mind all the gossips of the town but when it comes to the topic of homosexuality, there’s no telling what she’ll do, actually.

“Mom,” Karma says nervously, “What do you have to say to me? I can name a few choice words. ‘Disappointment’ is a big one, I can tell you. Hmm. I can also say ‘You’re such a disgrace, I want you to pack your bags’ but I don’t think you’d like that. At the moment, I don’t think you’d like anything that has something to do with me.” Her voice cracks at the last part and she sniffles. There are no more tears left to shed.

Liam glances furiously at her. Karma sets her jaw, crosses her arms and leans back, watching the conflict in her mother’s face with a hard gaze.

“How long has this been going on?” her mother asks hesitantly.

Karma is a bit surprised that she’d ask that, considering that she cringes at the word ‘gay’.

“A few months, at the most,” she answers shortly, curling her fingers into a fist when she notices Liam tensing up.

“And you never bothered to tell me?” Molly demands, finally sounding angry. Good. She should be angry.

“I was going to tell you,” Karma says defensively, “When you decided to pop in for a visit, I was going to tell you everything, the way I used to before this whole mess started but then Amy showed up and when I saw your reaction, I lost my confidence. So did Amy. And besides, I didn’t know  _how_ to tell you.”

Her mother fixes her with a gaze so sharp that Karma feels as if she’s being scrutinized.

“Were you  _that_  afraid of me?” the woman says. “Did you really think I was going to kick you out?  Karma, of course I’m disappointed.  _Beyond_ disappointed but I will never turn away from you. I love you too much to do that.” She reaches out and clasps Karma’s hand.

Karma gently pulls away. Her face is still puffy from all the crying and she remembers the pain of hearing her mother reject Amy over and over again. She can’t forgive her that easily; she has to be strong. For herself. And for Amy.

“If you love me, then can you accept Amy?”

Molly doesn’t answer, which, really, is an answer itself. She closes her eyes and wipes at them again, even though there are no more tears. She can feel Liam watching her carefully and when she turns to look, she’s jarred by the misery in his face. He catches her gaze and his features tightens with pain. _Amazing_ , Karma thinks,  _even when I’ve hurt him over and over again, he_ still _cares._

“Karma—” her mother begins and Karma shakes her head.

“I’m sorry,” she says, her voice soft. She starts to crumble, the weight of all the emotions she’s feeling pushing her to the ground. She sighs and slides off from the couch, refusing to look back as she walks up the stairs. “I need some time,” she adds, her voice loud and firm enough that even Liam doesn’t protest. She can feel their discomfort and agony at having to let her go but there’s still a silent sense of acceptance, an acceptance which she is grateful for.

She enters Zen’s room and shuts the door behind her. Exhaustion takes over—only to be replaced quickly by the guilt and pain and misery. She slides against the mahogany wood and curls her arms around her legs, burying her face into her knees. Her heart is in her throat, clogging up any chance to breathe and she’s gasping—not for breath, but for Amy. She’s saying her name over and over again, like it’s a prayer she wants answered. And if God is out there, she hopes He’s listening.

.

It’s  _torture_.

Waking up the next day feels so surreal. At first, she can only stare up at the ceiling, staring at the cracks and thinking about the dream she’s already starting to forget. It had something to do with Amy and when the thought of the other girl passes by, the familiar pang of guilt and pain shoots through her entire body. Lying there, breathing as unsteadily as a person who doesn’t have much lungs to work with, she feels like she’s drowning. Which is ten times as worse as being a person who doesn’t have much lungs to work with. She rubs her eyes and lets out a deep breath, forcing away all the memories of yesterday—of Amy’s brokenhearted face—from her thoughts.

For the rest of the day, she moves like a zombie. Only getting out of bed when she has to eat or when she has to go to the bathroom. She spends the remainder of the hours cooped up in her older brother’s room, desperately trying to keep her mind off Amy by writing songs and watching movies based on Nicholas Sparks’s novels. By the time 4 o’ clock rolls around, she’s got dozens of pages on her notebook about green eyes and boyish smiles and she’s half-sobbing into her ice cream when the credits of  _The Lucky One_  hits her TV screen. When it’s 6 o’clock, she hits teenage rebellion again. Dancing in the middle of the room while Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Stronger’ blares from her stereo speakers. The music drowns out Liam’s persistent knocking on the door and in those few minutes of just mindlessly moving her body, Karma feels as if she’s invincible.

That is, until the swing switches to John Legend’s ‘All Of Me.’ Karma collapses back into the bed, her chest rising and falling unsteadily. She moves her hand and sweeps the sweat off her forehead, miserably hoping that she can easily sweep off the insistent memories of Amy from her head. Thinking about her won’t help anyone at all. In fact, if she thinks about her even more, Karma is pretty sure that she’ll succumb to depression.

The clock hits seven and Karma is just sitting by the window, her knees pulled up to her chest. She’s watching the stars twinkle against the dark sky. Down in the grounds, she sees Liam’s car parked in for the night. It must mean that he’s staying but she doesn’t know for how long.  _Mom must be glad for his company_ , she thinks moodily as she clenches her hands into tightly bunched fists,  _unlike_ some _people here_. She might not hate him but she still hasn’t forgotten what he’s said.

There’s a knock on the door and she hears her mother’s voice through the thick dark wood:

“Karma, some friends are here to see you.” There’s a pause, where Karma holds her breath as she desperately tries to believe that it’s Amy, who has somehow found it in her heart to forgive her but then Molly adds (in a voice that sounds too hesitant) “They want to talk about Amy.”

Her heart falls into her stomach.  _Not Amy_  are the words that pass through her head as she slips off the balcony view and treads softly towards the door. She presses her ear against the frame, closing her eyes and listening carefully. When she doesn’t hear her mother’s voice or any footsteps outside, she assumes that it’s safe enough to go outside for the first time today.

But when she wrenches the door open, she sees Liam waiting outside.

“Crap,” she says out loud, flinching when his hazel eyes take in her messy auburn hair and her bloodshot green eyes. He doesn’t comment on it, even though it’s clear he wants to. Instead, he runs his fingers through his carefully styled brown hair and avoids her gaze.

“Shane and Naomi are downstairs,” he says casually but she hears the crack in his tone.

“I figured,” Karma says.

Liam looks at her. “Guess I finally know it feels,” he says then, his voice pinched with a bit of pain. He obviously means it in a joking way but with the way his face falls, Karma isn’t so sure.

“About what?” she asks, playing along.

“About wanting someone but not being to get them in the end,” he answers flatly.

“Stings like a bitch, doesn’t it?”

He laughs and steps away from the doorway. They seem to be in okay grounds.

Karma’s always been a firm believer in happy endings and she knows that if she and Liam can repair their fucked up relationship, then there might still be a chance for her and Amy as well. The thought starts a small flame in her chest, a flame which will either grow into a never ending fire or puff out into nothingness. She hopes for the former.

“I’ll talk to you later,” she murmurs and she doesn’t catch the way his eyes linger on her mouth, doesn’t catch the way his eyes flash with pain when she turns away, doesn’t catch the heartbroken sigh that leaves his lips.

Shane and Naomi are standing by the front door when she gets downstairs. Dutifully, like any good host out there, Molly is preparing herbal tea for all three of them. Shane seems amused by the gesture and when Karma’s mom extends the cup, he says,

“Have I introduced myself? Hi. I’m Shane. Gay friend. Proud and queer. I’ve been friends with Karma since college. Did she tell you that?”

Karma shoots him a glare, but he just smirks. Karma’s mom seems flustered. Naomi steps in easily and Karma can’t help but admire her, all calm and cool with her dark hair tied in a small ponytail. She stretches her hand out for Molly to take and introduces herself,

“Naomi Rosier. I’m a friend. Unlike Shane here, I’m not going to share my sexuality.”

“That’s because she doesn’t know she’s bi,” Shane whispers to Karma, when she steps closer.

Karma rolls her eyes as her mother excuses herself. Then it’s just the three of them, friends under the same roof and under the same circumstances. If Karma hadn’t been feeling so pressured, she would’ve called this meeting an ‘Intervention’ (a  _How I Met Your Mother_ reference, which reminds her of the time she and Amy binge-watched that show together. The memory stabs another hole into her chest.)

“So,” Shane begins, sitting on the couch and crossing his legs, “You and Amy weren’t in your dorm room today.”

Karma lets her gaze slide over to Naomi.

“I needed some time off,” she mumbles, not really wanting to be honest with the two of them.

“Bullshit,” they both say and Karma would’ve laughed if she hadn’t been sweating so hard.

“I drove three hours here and I’m not settling for that shitty answer.”

“You and Amy got into a fight two days ago,” Naomi says matter-of-factly, “and when I left, things were pretty steamy. I called Shane because I was pretty worried about you, especially when neither one of you showed up for class. I guess I didn’t want to be one of the reasons why you two broke up.”

“Trust me,” Karma says, rubbing her eyes, “It’s not you. It’s me. I fucked things up. Badly.”

“Can it still be fixed?” Naomi asks, stepping closer.

Karma looks at her and it makes her remember the night they were fighting, the night where all caution and reason got thrown out of the window as jealously and anger took over. She remembers throwing everything at Naomi and Naomi throwing them back. It’s not a good memory and she squeezes her eyes as the guilt overwhelms her. Without meaning to, she flings her arms around Naomi’s neck and pulls her close, hugging her so tight that she’s pretty sure Naomi can’t breathe.

“Whoa, Karma—” Naomi exclaims but after a moment, her arms encircle Karma’s back.

“I’m so sorry for what I said,” Karma says in a choked sob.

“It’s okay,” Naomi says, rubbing her shoulder blades soothingly. “I forgive you.”

Karma’s fingers are digging into Naomi’s skin and she’s biting hard on her lower lip, desperately telling herself that everything is going to be fine. She and Liam are okay. Naomi’s forgiven here. Shane drove three hours just to make sure she was fine. These are positive things and it makes her forget about Liam’s harsh words, her mother’s reluctance to accept her, Amy’s heart breaking all over again. For now, everything is fine.

“You want to talk?” Naomi whispers.

Karma pulls away, surprised that tears are streaming down her cheeks. She’s convinced herself that there are no more tears left to shed but talking to Naomi has opened and also healed a wound.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” she says.

Shane gets up from the couch and walks over. Smiling, he reaches out and embraces her as well.

“It’s going to be okay,” he says, squeezing once, “I know Amy. She’s not going to stay away for long.”

Karma lets out a shaky laugh. “Thanks,” she says, nuzzling her cheek against his shoulder, “I really really needed to hear that.”

“Good,” Shane says, leaning back, “because you’re going to need our advice to win her back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter, guys.


	23. A Second Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Amy,” she says again and she hates herself for sounding so weak, so pathetic and so desperate. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You’re right. I was scared. I was confused. I was scared that my mother would reject me, that Naomi would hate me, that Liam would stop being my friend but most of all, I was scared that I was making the wrong choice. I was terrified of everything, of all the endless possibilities, of all the things that could go wrong.” She gulps back a sob and blinks rapidly, unable to meet Amy’s gaze. “But then I realized that if I kept being scared, then I’d lose you.”
> 
> She hears Amy take a deep ragged breath and it gives her the strength to look up. The blonde’s face is tight, as if fighting to keep control of her emotions. Karma’s heart pounds and her face feels hot with all the incoming tears.
> 
> “And I don’t want to lose you,” she finishes, “Not now. Not ever.” She stops, takes a deep breath. “And I just want to say that I can be brave and that I’ll be brave for you, if you just give me another chance.”

A month passes by dreadfully.

The pain sort of numbs after the three weeks end but it’s still there, lying underneath the memories she’s poured all over it. Sometimes, when she’s upset and lonely and the pain of missing Amy overwhelms her, she wishes that she can set fire to the moments she shared with the blonde so that she can forget about it, watch the ashes burn away, leaving nothing but the aftermath of a broken love. Other times, when she’s hanging out with Shane and Naomi back at campus (Amy went back to her stepdad’s farm in Dallas) and laughing her ass off, she wishes that Amy were still here, still smiling that adorable smile and looking at Karma as if she’s the only star left in the universe.

Karma would’ve gone to Amy sooner (she was ready to pack her bags and cross the country just to say her apologies) but Shane stopped her in time, insisting that Amy still needs time after her confession got thrown out of the window. Karma feels incredibly guilty about that and guiltier when she still lets Liam hang around. He’s the reason this whole mess started and even though she knows that pining the blame on him won’t help anyone, she also knows that this grudge isn’t just going to fade off any time soon.

Naomi has been a big help to her. Their friendship was tested, pushed through rough patches and high boundaries and they barely got through it. Karma is super relieved to have her by her side, to let her comfort her when the pain and guilt returns, to make her laugh when she really needs it, to listen to her when she needs to talk it out. And even though Naomi is hurting as well, she doesn’t let it get in the way. Karma loves her the way Harry loves Hermione, in the platonic way that friends love each other without limits. (The thought of Harry Potter leaves a dry aftertaste in her mouth because there was a time Amy wanted to watch the movies all over again with her, even though Karma hadn’t read the books. She now wishes that she had watched it with her, when they still had time.)

She and her mother haven’t talked about Amy. But the shadow of what happened is there, constantly following them whenever they’re alone. Molly knows that Karma’s _truly_ in love with Amy—that what they had was as real as the Eiffel Tower—but she doesn’t voice out her opinions, which is a bonus itself. At least Karma doesn’t have to listen to her rant every now and then, doesn’t have to pretend that she agrees with her disgust and anger, doesn’t have to pretend to be something she isn’t.

One night, when Karma wakes up in the middle of the night with her heart twisted in her chest and she goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water, she hears Liam and her mother talking around the dining table, their voices hushed. Karma stops walking (and breathing as well) as she hugs the wall and listens close.

“She seems different, doesn’t she?” Molly asks. The smell of jasmine tea drifts all over the house and Karma breathes it in, knowing that her mother only drinks jasmine when she’s anxious.

“Yeah,” Liam says shortly.

“I can’t explain it but when I visited her in that college, I could detect that something had changed. Her aura seemed brighter but nervous, as if my being there was something she had been dreading. And when Amy walked in on us, her aura both brightened and dimmed, if that’s even possible. Whatever was going on, I knew that it had something to do with Amy and I guess I was right.”

Karma exhales out a breath and rubs at her eyes, willing the tears back inside. The mention of Amy always does that to her.

“Do you think Amy’s good for her?” Liam asks hesitantly; Karma resists the urge to throw a fucking table at him.

“I think Karma’s done thinking about what I think,” Molly answers and the sadness in her tone pulls at Karma’s insides.

“She cares a lot about what you think, Mrs. Ashcroft.”

There’s a silence. Karma rubs her arms, frowning at the ground, waiting for more.

“I think that being apart from Amy is what isn’t good for her,” Karma’s mom rephrases her answer and the breath that Karma doesn’t realize she’s holding in leaves her lungs in a loud exhale. It feels as if a weight in her chest has been lifted, as if Hercules himself has unburdened her from the weight of the world. She closes her eyes and takes in a shaky breath, catching the last words Liam says before peace finally settles over:

“…even though it hurts, I think you’re right.”

.

“Do you have enough money?”

“Yes, mom.”

“Are you sure I packed enough herbal tea bags? You might need it for the trip and in case anything goes wrong.”

“Yes, I’ve checked.”

Karma shoves her suitcase into the trunk of Shane’s car before swerving around and giving her mother a big smile. Molly’s looking at her daughter as if this is the last time she might see her, even though Karma has assured her that she’ll Skype call as soon as possible. Shane is sitting in the driver’s seat while Naomi harasses the radio system, music blaring out in thick waves.

Molly sighs once more. She’s been doing that a lot in the past week, when Karma asked her if she could visit Amy in Dallas.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt,” the woman says, wringing her hands restlessly. “Your calendar’s been a mess lately. I can’t get a proper read on it and it really worries me.”

“Trust me,” Karma says, her smile widening, “I’ve known enough hurt in my life time already. Besides, if Amy doesn’t accept my apology, at least I can come crawling back to you.” Her tone makes it a joke but the words are true. Her mother gets it immediately and she reaches out to embrace Karma, her arms soothing and warm.

Karma catches sight of Liam by the doorway. They’ve said their goodbyes already, which consisted of childhood jokes and really long apologies. (“I’m sorry if I’ve been such a major douchebag for the past few months and I’m sorry about Amy and I promise that I won’t do it again. I promise I’ll let you go.”) (“I’m sorry for saying all those hurtful things, even though I really meant them at the time.”) It’s stupid and messed up, how they can still look at each other in the eye after what they’ve done. In the end, she had hugged him briefly, even though it was obvious he wanted it to last.

Liam smiles at her now and it’s the first smile that isn’t tinged with hurt and pain.

Karma lets go of her mother and says, “You can still visit me at college, you know.”

Molly nods. “Tell Amy that I’m sorry for what I said. And if she _does_ accept your apology, tell her to come by for dinner.”

Karma grins. “I think she’d like that.”

Before Molly can say anything else, Shane pounds on the honk of his car, the sound blaring out and momentarily deafening Karma. She groans and rolls her eyes, apologizing for Shane’s rude behavior. Her mother just laughs and says, “Well, at least you’ve got some friends who are willing enough to drive you across the state.”

“Touché,” Shane remarks when Karma slides into the backseat of the car and tells him about what her mother just said. “I never thought I’d hear that from an ex-homophobic. Miracles do happen, right?”

“God, you’re so rude,” Naomi says sharply, waving when Karma’s mom waves at all three of them.

Karma raises her hand in goodbye before turning back to Shane. “So, any advice before my heart permanently gets chopped in pieces?”

Shane gives her a wink through the rearview mirror. “Don’t screw it up.”

“Don’t force the topic,” is what Naomi says.

“Sometimes, I don’t understand why I’m friends with you,” Karma says to Shane, who places his hand over his chest with mock outrage.

“Because I’m your gay best friend,” Shane answers dutifully, “and it’s my duty to help my little baby dykes.”

“Shut up,” both Naomi and Karma say in unison.

Shane merely shrugs and starts driving.

.

The ride is anything _but_ boring.

First, they get pulled over _twice_ and each time, the police officer is a smoking hot dude rocking his uniform, whom Shane immediately pounces on, depriving them the time they need to head to Dallas. Second, Naomi and Shane argue over which station to listen to until in a rare show of anger, Naomi breaks the radio by slamming her fist on it. (Shane immediately shuts up after that, alarm masking his features.) Third, when they happen to pass by the highway, Karma lets out a surprised shriek when she sees Tommy Ortega and his pals riding in the next lane, laughing loudly and shamelessly drinking beer bottles. The sight is such a shock that by the time the guys have driven away, Karma, Shane and Naomi still haven’t said anything.

Shane finds his voice. “And _that_ , my friends, is why you should never date a jock.”

Karma fails to remind him that he once dated Sherman Johnson, who was the captain of the lacrosse team.

.

“Let’s play twenty questions.”

“God, Shane, no.” Naomi rubs her eyes just as the sun starts setting.

“I Spy?”

“No.” Karma barely glances from her phone. She’s staring at her past messages from Amy, resisting the urge to call her right now.

Shane raps his fingers against the wheel. “Let’s listen to music—oh _wait_ , we can’t because Rosier here fucking broke my radio!”

Naomi shoots him a glare, mouth open in outrage. “Really? Are you going to blame me for wanting to _not_ listen to Justin Bieber? The freaking kid punched Goofy at Disneyland. Who the hell has the guts to punch _Goofy_?”

“Let bygones be bygones,” Shane murmurs. “Besides, his music is catchy.”

“Don’t make me break your nose,” Naomi warns.

In the end, they decide to play I Spy. (“I spy with my little eye a girl who just can’t stop staring at messages from her ex-girlfriend,” Shane says mildly and Naomi says, “Karma” the same time Karma says, “She’s not yet my ex.”) (“I spy with my little eye a character from the movie _Toy Story_ ,” Naomi says and Shane slams his forehead against the wheel, muttering, “For the love of God, Naomi, I do _not_ look like Woody!”)

The ride seems to stretch on afterwards and Karma falls asleep with her phone displaying an image of Amy.

.

When Karma wakes up again, Naomi has taken the wheel and Shane is talking to her about what he should wear for a first date.

“Should I wear a tie or does that seem too formal?” he asks.

Naomi hums under her breath. It’s 7:00 o’clock already and it’s totally dark out, save for some streetlights and the stars. Karma sits up and rubs the back of her neck. To her dismay, there are only two bars left on her phone.

“I think you shouldn’t worry about your appearance,” Naomi continues, “It’s the personality that matters.”

Shane snorts. “God, have you been reading _Candy_? Of course the appearance matters! What if I walk up to him, wearing a clown suit then? Do you honestly think he’ll stick around to listen to my _personality_?”

“Shane, you wouldn’t be caught dead in a clown suit.”

.

They take turns driving, sipping coffee and randomly talking about anything that comes to mind. Shane’s attention is focused on his phone since he’s texting his latest flame, a neat dude named Pablo. He’s occupied the back seat. Naomi has taken out her sketchpad and is currently doodling all over it. Karma’s the driver this time and she stares at the road, thinking about green eyes and soft smiles.

Night has fallen over them, enveloping their presence with the dull roar of the car engine. Karma reaches out to sip her herbal tea (made in her thermos while the other two stopped by a coffee shop to order some drinks for themselves) and hums under her breath. She doesn’t realize she’s singing her song _Hush Hush_ until Naomi, who has been quiet for the past hour, looks up and inquires,

“What song is that?”

“Hmm?” Karma turns towards her, setting her thermos back down. “Oh. It’s mine, I’m just singing a draft.”

Naomi’s blue eyes are bright as she gazes at her. The streetlights they pass by give her an orange illumination. “It sounds beautiful,” she says in a hushed tone.

Karma smiles. “Thanks.”

“What’s it called? Your draft?”

Karma licks her lips and glances out the window, remembering Amy.

“ _Hush Hush_ ,” she answers.

“Ah.” Recognition flashes across Naomi’s features and she smiles down at her pad. “That explains it.”

“Explain what?” Karma gives her a curious look.

“It explains why the song sounds so familiar.” When Karma doesn’t say anything, Naomi presses on. “One time, while you and Amy weren’t really tight yet, we spent our time in the library together. Ironic, since that was where we first met. Anyway, I was doing my homework and we weren’t talking but I realized that she was singing a song under her breath. Well, it wasn’t really _singing_ but more like humming, like what you did just now. I stopped doing my homework and listened. From her face, I could tell that the song meant a lot to her and when I asked her who wrote it, she just smiled and kept dodging the question. It always nagged at me and I kept wondering why that song was so special. And now I know why.”

Karma is sobered by the story. She clenches her jaw and tears her gaze away from Naomi. She stares at the road, feeling as if something has reached out and squeezed her heart. She thinks of the first time she sang that song in front of Amy, thinks of the patio in the café, thinks of Amy sitting alone at their table, watching her with a pride that didn’t seem to fade away. The memory leaves a bitter aftertaste in her tongue and she looks down at her hands, stares at the white knuckles gripping the wheel tightly.

“Karma.” Naomi reaches out and touches her fingers. Karma relaxes and she doesn’t realize she’s holding back tears until the other girl reaches out and wipes them off for her.

“Sorry,” Karma says, her voice thick. “I just—I’m sorry—I just can’t stop thinking about her and I can’t stop wondering what would happen if she won’t accept my apology. I don’t think I’d be able to forgive myself.”

“Come on, Karma,” Naomi says comfortingly, “ _I_ know Amy. _You_ know Amy. We both know that she’ll accept your apology. She’s not going to spend the rest of her life hating you for being scared.”

Karma’s lower lip wobbles. “She stood there in front of me, offering _everything_ and I threw it out the window. I threw _her_ under the bus, because I couldn’t handle a life where my mother wasn’t proud of me but when she left—I realized that I might’ve lost a life I _really_ wanted. I might’ve lost the person I _desperately_ wanted and I’m so ashamed of myself because I didn’t have the fucking guts to say that.”

Naomi is quiet but Karma doesn’t need to hear comforting words about her not being at fault. What she needs right now is a listening ear, a person who won’t get tired of her rants, a friend. What she needs right now is Naomi’s hand in hers.

.

They arrive at Bruce Cooper’s farm by the time the sun breaks out in the horizon. Shane has fallen asleep the previous night and Karma is still at the wheel, her hands shaking due to the amount of herbal tea and coffee she drank. Naomi’s head is propped up against the window and she’s snoring softly, her fingers still clutching her pencil. The three of them look absolutely out of place, arriving in a location where people make wine and grow crops. Karma’s heart twists on itself when she realizes that Amy is somewhere inside this compound.

Her eyes drift to the farm, taking in every detail she can find. A large fence surrounds the green land, making it Bruce Cooper’s and no one else’s. There are rice fields and crop fields and other fields that she can’t name. She spies some people working and wonders if Amy could be one of them. She did mention that she liked helping her stepdad. Faintly, she hears the sounds of animals in the distance, cows mooing and chickens clucking. She rolls down the window and inhales sharply, detecting the smell of manure and the sickly scent of wine being fermented. _Who knew Lauren’s dad was this rich_ , she thinks to herself as she reaches out and shakes Naomi awake.

“We’re here,” she murmurs.

Naomi stirs and opens her eyes slowly. She sits up, rubs the back of her neck and says, “Yeah. Okay. Where’s Shane?”

“Still sleeping.”

“Wake him up then. Maybe he’ll find some other guy to fawn over.”

Karma does so, shaking his shoulder roughly and then taking his phone away. He moves and stirs and his hand immediately searches for his mobile. When he doesn’t find it, he sits up so fast his head hits the ceiling.

“Jesus!” he exclaims, rubbing the top of his scalp. He open his eyes and sees Karma waving his phone around. “Give me that. Pablo’s been texting me all night. I need to reply ASAP.”

“Can you text while walking? Because we’re here.”

Shane looks out the window and catches his breath. “Holy crap,” he murmurs under his breath, “I bet there a bunch of hot farmer dudes out there, just basking in the glory of the sun while working half naked.”

“I hope that fantasy turns out to be just that,” Naomi says, opening her side of the car. “A fantasy.”

Karma remains rooted to her spot in the driver’s seat. She’s been dreaming and dreading this moment—the moment where she can finally see Amy again, where she can say all the things she _needs_ to say, where she can either be accepted or rejected—and it fucking terrifies her. Just the thought of the other girl makes her chest twist on itself and she feels as if somebody’s reached out and drove a hot poker stick straight through her heart. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, her fingers shaking as she brushes the hair from her vision. She hears Shane opening his side of the door and then Naomi’s voice right by her ear, timidly saying, “Karma?”

Karma opens her eyes and clears her throat. “I’ll be right out.”

There’s no denying the concern and worry gnawing in Naomi’s eyes and Karma loves her for that.

“Are you really ready?”

“I don’t think we’re ready for anything,” Karma answers and she opens the door.

.

Bruce Cooper is a tall man with a broad face and even broader shoulders. His eyes, which are blue (just like Lauren’s) shines brightly as he greets them. He’s got a marvelous beard on his face, making him look even more like a cowboy since he’s got a southern accent. He talks to them as if he’s known them his entire life and his hand is firm when he shakes Karma’s, making the other girl wonder how on earth is this man related to Lauren Cooper.

“Now, let me guess here,” he says when he’s introduced himself as the owner of the ranch. His blue eyes calculate each of their faces before finally stopping at Karma. He points at her with his index finger and Karma notices that his smile is very similar to Lauren’s. “ _You’re_ the girl who broke Amy’s heart.”

Karma tenses. “I—”

“No need to explain yourself, dear,” he says, cracking a smile. “Even though Amy says nothing to me (even after all this years, I tell ya) I can still read her like a book. And I know heartbreak when I see one and she’s got a bad case of it.”

Karma glances over at Naomi who stares at Bruce. “Where is Amy, may I ask?”

Bruce looks around his farm. They met outside his wine fermentation place (Karma doesn’t know what else to call it) so he smells of grapes and sugar. He points to a lone tree near a lake and mumbles, “She usually goes there with her guitar.”

Karma ignores Shane’s mumbled question (“ _Amy can play a guitar?”)_ and thanks Bruce for his cooperation. She turns to Naomi and Shane, looking them both in the eye. They see the unspoken inquiry in her own and both nod, giving her the encouragement and strength she needs to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Her heart is hammering loudly inside her chest, a loud beat that overwhelms all her other thoughts.

“Miss?” Bruce calls out to her.

Karma half-turns, raising her eyebrows. Mr. Cooper smiles again and it’d be incredibly absurd to think that the way he smiles right now strongly reminds her of the way Amy usually smiles. Maybe there _are_ some similarities between the two.

“Yes?” she asks.

“She’s a tricky one,” Bruce says, clasping his hands together, “Almost as difficult as Lauren but you can get through her.”

“That’s what I’m hoping,” Karma confesses.

“Then hope breeds eternal trust.” Amy’s stepfather tilts his head to the side, frowning. “Is that what they say?”

.

Amy is sitting at the foot of the tree, plucking at the strings of her guitar and singing a song under her breath. Even from behind, Karma can’t help the pain that shoots through her chest when she sees the blonde. She doesn’t like to think of Amy as a missing piece of herself because it sounds selfish and too dependent, making Karma seem weaker than she is. But she can’t help but feel as if that’s the case right now. As Karma walks, she feels as if that missing part of herself is returning piece by piece.

The environment around them is beautiful with the lush green grass and the open sky, illuminating the clouds with a pink glow. The lake swims by steadily and Karma sees small fishes swimming through, beneath the surface of the sparkling water. The place reminds Karma of the fountain back at the university campus, the campus where she and Amy spent half of their time together, studying for an exam and watching the butterflies which occasionally pass by. It feels like home here, even though home is miles and miles away, in a small town called Austin where her mother and best friend are waiting.

 But Karma isn’t thinking about them. She’s thinking about the girl in front of her, the girl who is strumming her guitar and watching the water, the girl who is humming a song under her breath, a song Karma knows too well.  She steps closer, making sure not to make any noise as her feet treads softly on the grass. The rising sunlight makes her auburn hair seem redder than before and as the distance closes between them, she feels as if her heart is about to burst out of her chest.

Amy is still singing, oblivious to the person approaching behind her. Her voice carries through the air like a sweet lullaby and the tune of the guitar matches her heartbroken tone. Karma reaches the tree and is just a few feet away from the blonde. She stops breathing for a second as she closes her eyes and listens.

_Something changed the moment we kissed_

_I never knew it could feel like this_

_We’ll keep it hush, hush under cover_

_But it’s a rush, rush being your lover_

Karma’s breath is clogged in her throat. She rolls her hands into fists, wincing when her nails pierce the skin of her palm. Here she is, standing just three feet away from Amy and she feels a thousand times worse than when she was a hundred miles off. Is this what it feels like? To want somebody who doesn’t want you back? Who doesn’t want to forgive you for the mistakes that you’ve done?

_And if it’s not too much_

(Is this what it feels like to be burning inside out?)

_Because you have a crush on me_

(Karma squeezes her eyes shut and bites hard on her lower lip, not stopping until she draws blood.)

_We keep it hush, hush and discover_

(She remembers the pain of hearing Amy say, _“I could never hate you, Karma.”_ If only it were true now.)

_Why it’s a rush running with each other_

( _“You can do everything and be anything and I’d still accept your decisions, no matter how stupid they might be.”_ Karma sees the pride in Amy’s green eyes, the belief that she’ll do the right thing and it hurts all over again, like being stabbed through the stomach.)

_Yeah I have a crush_

_And I just want you to see_

_(“Even after all this time, I’m still not enough for you to try,_ ” Amy’s voice reverberates in her head, empty and devoid of emotion.)

_That you were never a secret_

_To me_

“Amy.”

The song immediately stops and when Karma opens her eyes, Amy is standing in front of her, holding her guitar in one hand while the other immediately shoots out to grip the bark of the tree. The blonde looks as if she’s steadying herself and her pale green eyes trace the contours and shapes of Karma’s face, as if Karma’s somebody she never expected to see again.

“Karma,” Amy says, her voice hushed. Her eyes are wide. “Karma.”

Karma’s heart is no longer in her chest. Somehow, it has ended up somewhere in her throat.

“Hi,” she says weakly.

Amy’s blonde hair is tied in a messy ponytail, showing off the paleness of her neck (Karma sees the freckles she once kissed one night) and the shape of her collarbone. She’s wearing a red polo shirt over a black shirt and some khaki pants. Even after a month later, she still looks the same. She still looks amazingly beautiful and the thought kind of leaves Karma breathless, struggling for the oxygen she needs to say what she needs to say.

“You’re here,” Amy says stiffly. Underneath her wariness and indifference, there is still pain in her eyes.

“I’m here,” Karma repeats.

Amy sets down her guitar and crosses her arms. She glares at the ground and grips her sleeves tight. “Why?” she manages to stammer out.

“I want—I _needed_ to talk to you,” Karma insists.

Amy looks up at her, the green in her eyes reminding Karma of the green of the land.

“Well, _talk_ ,” the blonde spits out, “What were you expecting? A welcoming hug? If so, you can find one in Bruce. He was always a hugger.”

“Amy.”

“What more do you want me to say, Karma?” Amy explodes, like a volcano left dormant for too long. “I left because I didn’t want to see you! I left because I couldn’t bear the thought of being around you! I left because you were too goddamn scared to be with me.” Her voice cracks, leaving an even bigger crack in Karma’s heart.

Karma chokes back her tears. Amy is looking at her with the most heartbroken expression on her face and it just _breaks_ Karma, makes all the strings inside her completely collapse into an incoherent mess.

“Amy,” she says again and she hates herself for sounding so weak, so pathetic and so _desperate_. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You’re right. I was scared. I was confused. I was scared that my mother would reject me, that Naomi would hate me, that Liam would stop being my friend but most of all, I was scared that I was making the wrong choice. I was _terrified_ of everything, of all the endless possibilities, of all the things that could go wrong.” She gulps back a sob and blinks rapidly, unable to meet Amy’s gaze. “But then I realized that if I kept being scared, then I’d lose you.”

She hears Amy take a deep ragged breath and it gives her the strength to look up. The blonde’s face is tight, as if fighting to keep control of her emotions. Karma’s heart pounds and her face feels hot with all the incoming tears.

“And I don’t want to lose you,” she finishes, “Not now. Not ever.” She stops, takes a deep breath. “And I just want to say that I can be brave and that I’ll be brave for you, if you just give me another chance.”

Amy’s eyes are shining when she looks back at her. Karma expects her to say something— _anything_ —but the blonde doesn’t and it makes Karma’s heart drop straight to her shoes. The hope in her chest quietly dissipates.

The rejection slaps Karma across the face and the pain of it finally allows the tears to fall. They are hot and angry against her cheeks, burning against her skin and she wipes them away silently, not caring if she’s lost whatever pride she had left.

She’s failed. Amy rejected her apology. There’s nothing left here but broken memories. The worst part is that even though she’s going to be the one walking away, she’ll be the one losing everything.

She steps away, her feet treading softly against the earth. She’s stalling, she knows but it hurts to walk away, hurts to keep going forward even though she doesn’t want to. She hears Amy breathing quietly behind her and senses her staring but there are no words left—she’s used up all the words she needed to say and there’s nothing, absolutely _nothi_ —

“Karma.”

Karma stops walking. She’s holding her breath, hoping for something that might not happen at all.

“I’m okay,” she manages to say.

She hears footsteps approaching from Amy’s position and her spine tingles with the presence of another human being behind her. Her heart jumps to her throat when she feels Amy’s arms encircle around her waist, pulling her close and breathing her in. Amy buries her face into the crook of Karma’s neck and into her auburn curls as she murmurs,

“Thank you for being brave enough to love me.”

Karma twists around and flings her arms around Amy’s neck, holding her close and running her fingers against the exposed skin of her collarbone. She feels as if a huge part of her has been returned, like a missing piece of her soul has been reunited with her once more, making her whole once again. She can feel Amy’s tears against her cheeks and she squeezes her eyes shut when she realizes what has happened.

“I love you, I love you, I love you,” she repeats over and over again, hoping that Amy will finally realize that she means it.

She misses her, even when she’s hugging her right now, Karma still misses her.

“Karma, Karma,” Amy says, letting out a choked laugh as she tightens the embrace, “Don’t worry. I know and I love you too.”

Karma pulls away and grabs Amy’s cheeks, relishing the warmth she feels. She leans forward and kisses her, sighing in relief when she remembers the warmth and softness of the other girl’s lips. Amy tangles her fingers in Karma’s auburn curls, digging her nails into the back of her neck as she deepens the kiss.

Karma pulls away again, smiling and laughing when she sees that Amy’s eyes are still closed.

“I love you,” she says once again.

Amy smiles and opens her eyes slowly. “I know.”

“And I mean it this time.”

“What about all the other times?”

“Oh, I meant them all but I really really mean it this time.”

Amy lets out a laugh. “Okay.” She kisses her again. “Okay.”

“Don’t you dare go all Augustus Waters on me, Raudenfeld.”

“M’kay.”

“By the way, do you think we can still binge-watch _Harry Potter_?”

“Why not?”

“Maybe after that, we can read the books? Oohh, what about _If I Stay_? We should watch that and then read the book.”

“While you’re at it, why don’t you go ahead and plan our wedding as well?”

“Don’t give me any ideas.”

They lace their fingers together and walk away laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I was very emotional while writing the last bits of this and I'm sorry if it might seem rushed at the end but it felt perfect to me, I guess. This is the last chapter of Give Me Love. I started this around the time the show ended the first season so it's sort of very symbolic to have it end as the second season starts. Thank you to all the people who have supported and commented and read this throughout the months. I know that some of you have been very frustrated by me and believe me, I have been frustrated as well. At least it's finish and I know that some of you might want more and that the ending might not be aligned with your tastes but I'm the author and I get to do whatever I want.
> 
> Don't worry. I shall still write more Karmy after this.
> 
> heyasscroft a.k.a Mia


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